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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DD should be Star of the sodding Day?

105 replies

PFBoftheDay · 05/11/2013 18:16

I know I am, and I have n/c because I am probably being embarrassingly PFB.

DD is 6, and there are 21 children in her class. Her teacher does something called 'Star of the Day', which is,as far as I can gather, where the child who has been 'the goodest' all day, gets a star sticker and a prize (bouncy ball,sweets or bubbles) at hometime.

This has been an everyday occurrence from the start of the year, and DD was naturally desperate to be SotD and a bit disappointed when she wasn't. I, naturally, told her that she would have to keep trying, that the teacher would notice good behaviour, etc etc.

Just before school broke up for half term, and in the last few days she has started back, she has been getting really, really upset about it. There are a few children who have been SotD more than once, and on one occasion, a boy in the class who struggles with his behaviour got it, even though he hit another boy in the playground that day (though this is according to DD). I know the teacher was probably trying to encourage his good behaviour rather than discouraging him (and rightly so) and I explained this to DD.

However, today she came home in tears, because a girl who was horrible to DD and her friends at breaktime today (they told the teacher etc) got SotD. This girl can be very bossy and controlling and does put the other children's backs up at times. DD now basically thinks that the children who misbehave are getting rewarded.

I do think I see what the teacher is trying to do, and the reasoning behind it, but I feel this is really unfair on DD. She is a very well behaved child, we had Parent Teacher evening a few weeks ago and everything was positive. She works hard- she is very ahead in her reading & writing- and is as friendly and polite as you can expect of a 6 year old. The only thing she did struggle with was forgetting to put her hand up before answering a question, but she has tried really hard to remember, and at Parent Teacher, I asked about it specifically and her teacher said she had no problems.

I know I am being PFB, but she is quite a sensitive little thing, and I feel awful that she is trying so hard and getting so disheartened.

OP posts:
NoComet · 05/11/2013 20:19

YANBU - it isn't until they are are far older they get the effort over achievement and encouraging 'naughty' children to try bit.

Even when they understand it they, don't like it!

It's especially hard for the good quiet DCs who get continuously over looked. They get sandwiched between behaviour management and rewarding absolute achievement and never get a turn.

Sometimes I'm amazed how little thought the teachers seem to give to who's turn it is. DD2 has armful of certificates, purely because she's good at English and often a obvious no argument choice, but it got Blush when her lovely hard working DF never got one.

SpottyDottie · 05/11/2013 20:19

You may be being a little pfb but rightly so in my opinion. I was soooo pleased when DS went to secondary. None of this rewards crap. It is always the same ones that would get it. In secondary, we will get a congratulations letter if their tracking is on target but that is it!

80sMum · 05/11/2013 20:28

"no one gets a second go till everyone has had one turn"

^^What on earth is the point of that? That's not a reward scheme, it's simply a rota! Personally I don't like these reward schemes and find them divisive, but if you're going to have one at least let it be 'real'. Children are not fools; they know when adults have 'let them win' and it's a rather meaningless and hollow victory.

JennyOnAPlate · 05/11/2013 20:30

Yanbu

My 5 year old has worked out that to get star of the day "you have to be naughty and then good again". The kids who are good all the time get no recognition.

Don't even get me started on sodding congratulations assemblies!

Glittertwins · 05/11/2013 20:35

yANBU. It is very hard explaining to 4-5 yr olds why they don't get stickers or certificates for trying really hard and good manners but then see others get rewarded just for saying please and thank you. I am sure this rewarding of bad behaviour is having an effect on DS as he keeps seeing this dirt of thing resulting in rewards whereas he gets nothing for doing well and listening.

curlew · 05/11/2013 20:35

But it it very important to explain to your children that some people find behaving well much harder than others. And if behaving well comes easily to you, you don't necessarily need to be rewarded for it, while somebody who finds it really hard might well deserve a reward for being good for a day.

Glittertwins · 05/11/2013 20:35
  • sort, not dirt.
blackcats73 · 05/11/2013 20:35

My kids were/are never star of the day or week and we were nearly last to have Billy Bear.

Me and hubby never had the star badge in 70s/80s...... forward to now hubby and me both have degrees and postgrad qualifications, decent salaries, nice house and professional careers.

Still chuffing annoying though!!!

NorthernLurker · 05/11/2013 20:37

At dd's school I think they basically take turns. When dd1 was in reception they definately did and all the names were in a tim. A name was pulled out each day. poor dd1 said to me that the tin had been refilled now (because everybody had had a turn) and she hadn't had one! So I asked the teacher who rather smugly checked the tin and found that dd1 wasn't in it! Her name went in jolly quickly and was duly picked out a couple of days later to her great delight. So imo it certainly doesn't hurt to mention it to teachers. Mistakes are made.

curlew · 05/11/2013 20:38

Just like some children find school work harder than others- one child could write three sentences and be told it wasn't enough, and to do some more, and others will get lots of praise and a star for doing three.

pumpkinsweetie · 05/11/2013 20:38

Yanbu, fwiw it's always the regular naughty ones that are noticed for good behaviour, but those who are good in school don't get as much recognition when exceptionally well behaved, probably because naughty children are harder to not notice.

jonicomelately · 05/11/2013 20:45

How I hate all that star of the week stuff. I seem to remember waiting ages before DS1 got it, when others in the class had been given it twice. It was the same at football but, the good thing is that as they get older talent begins to account for a lot more than trying to award naughty or shy kids, or kids with pushy parents

Dayshiftdoris · 05/11/2013 20:52

Sorry don't agree...

I have a child who spends most of his days at risk of exclusion and he has not had ANY achievement awards in over 18months in this school.
Or in the last year of his last school though prior to that it was tried as a carrot - didn't work as he could see it was meaningless.

He wasn't star of the week in his class all last year and similar this year

1charlie1 · 05/11/2013 20:55

This thread is bringing back memories! Not of primary school, but of my final year of secondary. There were various awards given every 6 weeks or so at assembly to the senior students - 'Best sportsman', 'Best All- Rounder', 'Community Involvement Champion' etc. I was extremely hard working and among the top few academic achievers in the school. After mocks results were in came the inevitable 'Best Academic Performers' award. I'd come top of the year... but wasn't one of the half dozen chosen to be photographed and feted in the school newsletter. I was bloody livid! Bizarrely, after the results of our formal exams were out at the end of the year, I bumped into my year level co-ordinator, who seemed astonished at how well I'd performed (second top marks, sadly - pipped at the post!). Clearly, the 'quiet and well-behaved' ones can spend their entire school careers unnoticed...!

curlew · 05/11/2013 20:55

It is a Mumsnet trope- this "only naughty children get rewards" I suspect some of it comes from believing every word a 6 year old tells them.

CrohnicallyTired · 05/11/2013 21:07

80s mum- it's not actually that bad! And we don't stick strictly 100% to whose turn it is. But making sure that we record who has had a go, and trying to fill in gaps before giving out second goes, does help ensure that no one who truly deserves it gets missed out.

If child X is the only one who hasn't had the reward, but has been a little shit all week, or even has had one sanction like missing playtime, of course they won't get the reward. But we will be aware that X hasn't had it, and look out for good behaviour.

But more usually, you get to the end of term and X was really good behaviour wise one week so they got the reward, and Y made terrific progress in reading so they got it, and Z did a fantastic art project so they got it. Meanwhile A who has been slowly plodding along but never really excelled in anything, and B who is the quietest member of the class, are the 2 left till the end. Having a 'rota' as you call it, ensures that they don't miss out because they are always good, but never exceptional.

The alternative to not having a 'rota' is for the same handful of children to get it every time, after all, just like a party it's not fair to miss one or two out, is it? And those one or two will notice and become upset and disillusioned just like so many of the children mentioned on this thread.

And just to point out- we also have school wide half termly rewards, that one child in each year group can win- so the hardest working or highest achieving children can and do get more rewards than the poorly behaved one.

CrohnicallyTired · 05/11/2013 21:11

Curlew- not so. I clearly remember in secondary school, a new behaviour system came in where you could earn points towards physical rewards- the top prizes being things like vouchers for a music store. I was one of the top pupils in the school, and I don't think I ever earned enough for a measly pencil. Meanwhile, M who was regularly excluded or taught in seclusion, was bragging about his new CD.

CrohnicallyTired · 05/11/2013 21:11

I think that was about the time that I stopped caring.

Original poster
PFBoftheDay · 05/11/2013 21:18

curlew- but it does seem to happen. I can see why tbh, and I think anything that gently helps children who struggle is a good thing- like someone upthread said, what is usual behaviour for one child could be a complete breakthrough for another, and of course that should be recognised and encouraged.

However I don't think that necessarily means other children should be left out or ignored either. I certainly don't believe everything my DD says, but this has been going on long enough & I know enough about the school (small area, everyone knows everyone else) to think that there is something in what she says.

OP posts:
Original poster
PFBoftheDay · 05/11/2013 21:19

labtest that's awful Your poor DD Sad

OP posts:
AaDB · 05/11/2013 21:26

Yanbu. There have been about 45 school days so far.

I hate star of the day. Ds pines for this award but there is no obvious criteria that they work to at least understand.

Ds got his second one of the year today and he was delighted. He worked really hard on homework last night and got it in class. Relevant and a great reward for something he slaved over. The first one was in his mind because the teacher was in a rush and he was the first child she saw.

Some children do get rewarded for behaving better. I think well behaved plodders can get overlooked.

I always held back at the start of the year and made a miraculous recovery by the end of the year.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/11/2013 21:32

Curlew, sorry don't agree with the children who got loads of stars and rewards from the teachers in yr R,1 and 2 are still the ones with issues now in yr 5. They are still impacting on the whole class because they can not / will not follow the school rules. Only now they trying peer pressure so if these few (7/8 children out of a 35children in the year group) so when these few misbehave then the rest of the year suffer. They lose playtime/jungle gym time, they been sent home from school trips early. Unfortunatley they don't care about anyone but themselves and the rest of have to just put up with it.

VikingLady · 05/11/2013 21:33

God, these things are so unfair unless they reward everyone for doing well according to their own abilities. At my secondary school there was a scheme with certificates for good work or behaviour. At least one was given in each class. I was there for 2.5 years and never got one. I had no fights, was quiet and well behaved, got top marks....

I asked why I never got any after a term or so, and was told it had to reflect an improvement, and I hadn't improved as I was already top. I eventually got the head of year to admit the only way I could get a certificate was to be bad/stop working at all for a long time (long enough for it to be my new "normal") then improve.

Oh, and the certificates were added up at the end of each term and prizes awarded in assembly for multiples of 20. Some kids had over 100. Which really hammers home what a shit system it was.

BuntyPenfold · 05/11/2013 21:37

I absolutely agree that quiet well behaved children can get overlooked.
Mine commented that the prizes were given for being bad and then being good, by the time they were 6.

A few weeks ago a friend with a very timid hard working child, who is always overlooked, went in and cried and then shouted at his teacher. Now I'm not necessarily recommending this, but that Friday he won the cup! I would say, make your feelings known to the teacher. If you don't speak up, who will?

Retroformica · 05/11/2013 21:46

We had this but worse. Managed to get to February with no star of the day. My DC was quiet, hard working and able. The kids who got tons of rewards tended to be the favourites - either bossy in your face girls or cheeky chappies. The real problem was that staff failed to keep a list of who got what.