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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DS's dad to have him more often and for longer?

29 replies

SeeYouNT · 05/11/2013 09:10

DS is 7

his dad has him alternate saturdays for the day 11am - 7pm, then the other weekends he has him friday 5pm through to saturday 7pm

but i think he should have at least one over night stay a week. i was thinking one week friday night - sat evening, then the next weekend friday night - sunday evening, and keep alternating it that way

does this sound reasonable? sounds awful but i need more of a break from DS, ex just gets the fun times and sends him back full of e numbers and hyper

OP posts:
misspontypine · 05/11/2013 09:20

Yanbu at all! Ex should have as much responsibility as you do, you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him to have ds 50% of tge time.

redskyatnight · 05/11/2013 09:24

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask your ex to have DS for longer.
But ... are you really sure you want to split it up this way? This gives your ex more of the "fun times" (i.e. weekends) and you still all the day to day grind with very little leisure time with him. Can ex have him for a midweek overnight at all?

moldingsunbeams · 05/11/2013 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsVestibule · 05/11/2013 09:38

Do you receive maintenance for your DS from his dad? If he was to look after him more, could he legitimately ask to pay a lesser contribution?

HaPPy8 · 05/11/2013 10:08

YANBU to ask, but I agree that the times you have chosen aren't great. Is there a reason why you have chosen these times (i.e.work?)

livinginwonderland · 05/11/2013 10:15

Can he not have DS overnight and do some of the school runs and such instead? Weekends are there for relaxing and having fun so of course you ex is going to have more of that if that's when he sees DS.

Original poster
SeeYouNT · 05/11/2013 12:50

ex works 8.30 - 6 so wouldnt be able to do school run etc

yes he pays maintenance but probably below what he should and not through the CSA

and tbh i chose weekends to make MY weekends a bit easier and have less dcs around, as got another dc and another one due in april, is that really bad of me Blush

happy why do you think those times aren't great just out of interest?

thank you for replies so far x

OP posts:
CheeseandPickledOnion · 05/11/2013 13:01

YANBU to want more free time. YABU with the times you've chosen.

We've had this schedule for years and it just isn't fair. It means we never - EVER - get a weekend free for ourselves to do something. We also work full time, so the weekend is our only downtime and it just isn't really fair that we never get any a weekend free. Where as you will get all the weekend free pretty much every weekend.

You can find a way to do weekdays - breakfast clubs/after school clubs. That's up to him to arrange really, but weekends on/off should be shared IMO.

PinkBubbly · 05/11/2013 13:11

You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him to spend more time with his Dad. You are being unreasonable to do it to kale life easier for you beaches you can't cope with him and a new baby.

PinkBubbly · 05/11/2013 13:12

Obviously meant to make life easier for you because you can't cope! Should read before submitting!

Ideal way to make him feel pushed out for the new baby.

Original poster
SeeYouNT · 05/11/2013 13:27

pink where did i say i can't cope? thats not very fair of you to assume.

i just think its fairer for him to have him more than a maximum of 26 hours in 7 days.

and we get on ok so if he ever had plans such as a night out or weekend away with his GF i would be more than happy to keep DS for that night / weekend.

are you a dad cheeseandpickle or do you mean that you have your stepDCs to stay at weekends?

OP posts:
PinkBubbly · 05/11/2013 13:36

Ok. Sorry wrongly remembered what you said where you said you needed more of a break. Of course you need a break but don't make this about you. It's about what your son needs and your ex is far more likely (I hope) to agree if you word your request like that.

DelGirl · 05/11/2013 13:40

I can see from all angles and Cheeseandpickles is right in a sense but if you were still together then neither would get downtime as such. From a lone parent pov which I know isn't what this thread is about, I do think you are a little unreasonable to expect every weekend pretty much and what signal might it send to your ds. Can he have ds over to stay in the week somehow?

DidoTheDodo · 05/11/2013 13:43

The hours you want him to have your son don't sound very fair to me,. he works long hours - and I assume you quite like this as it means he has the means to pay the child support) but you also want him to have DS for the majority of the weekend.

I don't think it is just about your exH and his GF wanting a weekend away or a special night out, it is about time to do shopping and cleaning and generally recover from a week at work. I know when my DH has his son for weekend he is absolutely wrecked the next week.

Am I right is that the other child and the new one are not exH's? So not his choice or responsibility that you need a bit of child free space?

How about he has Ds for a full weekend (ie Friday night to Sunday pm) every other weekend?

Original poster
SeeYouNT · 05/11/2013 13:43

aww no worries pink and oh definitely

i shall be making it ALL about ds and how good it will be for him, when i talk to the ex, nothing to do with me or what i want/need ;) to be fair, it would be good for ds, i think he misses his dad.

his dad has 2 stepsons as well living with him, a bit older than ds. and i sometimes worry that ds might become jealous of them. ie that they live with dsdad all the time and he doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeeYouNT · 05/11/2013 13:50

Am I right is that the other child and the new one are not exH's? So not his choice or responsibility that you need a bit of child free space?

yes dido my other DC and my baby (not due til april) are with my not so "new" DH.

i know what you are saying re weekends being down time for DS dad, and time to do cleaning, shopping etc, but DH and i work in the week too (although not FT admittedly) and we do all the cleaning, shopping, any chores really etc with the dcs around.

my BF has a DS with an ex and they practically share custody, her DS goes to his dads fri evening to sun night EVERY weekend, plus 1 overnight stay in the week. plus her ds dad takes him abroad on holiday every year. and she is always saying my ex doesnt see my ds enough. so its interesting to get other perspectives ie on here

OP posts:
juneau · 05/11/2013 13:55

What would be fairer would be your ex having DS for the whole weekend, every other weekend. All the to-ing and fro-ing of these odd hours and days must be a PITA for everyone involved.

My parents divorced when I was six and we had every other weekend with our dad from Fri at 6pm to Sun at 6pm. That way each parent got every other weekend off. If that's still not enough how about he also has him Tues or Weds nights, for instance?

DidoTheDodo · 05/11/2013 13:55

So what about my suggestion that you have him alternate weekends for a full weekend?

(This is what my DH does with his offspring, or at least was until DSS went to residential school, so now he has him once a month, like his mum.)

Original poster
SeeYouNT · 05/11/2013 13:59

yeah that would be an ok compromise re alternate full weekends

and it is a PITA to ing and fro ing with different times on different weekends etc, i can never remember which weekend is an over nighter and which isn't :o

well will see what ex says anyway, have not even mentioned it to him yet

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 05/11/2013 14:15

If he's a good dad and your ds wants to.

Then of course work towards as much time as practical v

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 05/11/2013 14:28

My parents divorced when I was 11 and had 50-50 care of us. We spent week 1 with Mum and week 2 with Dad. Used to take a suitcase on the school bus every Monday morning, so no one had to do hand-overs.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 05/11/2013 14:31

Your friend and her ex-husband each have 3.5 days with their DC - I think it's a bit off to complain about her ex not spending enough time with her DC when they have it equal! What more does she want?

Original poster
SeeYouNT · 05/11/2013 14:32

oh god really tooextra i couldn't part with him for a whole week at a time :( ...but suppose when he is bigger he might actively ASK for a lot longer at his dads, he might even want to LIVE there (Nooooooooooo ....! )

OP posts:
Original poster
SeeYouNT · 05/11/2013 14:34

and tooextra just read your last post as well - my friend means MY ex doesnt see my ds enough, not her ds dad, she is more than happy with her arrangement :o

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 05/11/2013 14:55

I'd be worried about your DS feeling pushed out (in preference to your other children) if he had to spend every weekend with his dad. When does he get to have fun time with you?

I'd also suggest alternate weekend and possibly one night during the week (he could see DS after work as lots of working parents do).