To be absolutely incandescent with my bloody aunt.

[TheWanderingUterus]

My aunt has always been a selfish, self-absorbed woman, the world has to revolve around her. I have not had as much contact with her since she behaved appallingly at my wedding, but my mother has kept in more regular contact because of my grandmother who was ailing and needed support.

My grandmother died ten days ago. My mum went to her house to find it looking like it had been burgled. All drawers turned out, books pulled off shelves, all photo albums removed, all jewellery taken, all files and paperwork taken. My grandmother had a little tin of mementos, nothing expensive, just things that meant a lot to her, reminded her of the good times. That tin was upended onto the bed and raked through, then left there. Photos of my step grandpa (not my mum/aunts father but the man who was married to and adored my grandmother and her children/grandchildren for twenty years. We adored him too, he was a sweet and gentle man who treated us with so much love) who died fifteen years ago had been carefully picked out of the albums and discarded on the floor.

It was my aunt.

She has also taken the will.

This woman is a multimillionaire.

And the best bit? She went straight there from her dead mother's hospital bed.

My mother is in tears and is saying that this is the end of their relationship.

I don't think I can forgive this, AIBU.

YANBU. It doesn't really matter what she was looking for / what she took - whether it was cash or keepsakes or whatever - it belongs to your grandmother's estate and if I were you I'd involve the police.

I lost both my grandparents last year and clearing out their house was hard enough without someone storming in and rifling through everything like this. I wouldn't be able to forgive this.

Thank you to everyone who replied, I'm still shocked at so many other people being in the same boat.

This might also be a bit jumbled, but I am trying to answer everyone at once.

I suspect that the jewellery that she would be forced to produce would be a tiny proportion of the real amount. Neither my mother or I have seen my grandmothers jewellery for about three years as she has been getting more and more forgetful as she slipped into dementia. She had a huge amount when I was a child ( step grandpa worked as a jeweller) but we cannot prove how much was actually taken.

I don't know who the executor or solicitors are. I will encourage my mother to find out. There are no title deeds or property involved here.

The funeral is in two days and she will be cremated directly afterwards. My aunt has nominally involved my mum and uncle ( who both have less free time and live further away than she does), I have seen the emails. It is enough for her to be able to say 'but they were consulted and here is the proof' but the information is selective, she missed out details and my mum and uncle assumed certain things eg about the readings without checking until yesterday. My mum asked her and by then it was a done deal as the orders of service had been printed at great expense for example.

My aunt would hang up on me if it sounded like I was cross, irritated, agitated, upset or angry. Her secretary reads all her emails first and would filter out mine. I'm not going to make a fuss at my grandmothers funeral. I am however going to cut them out for good.

My mother is 60+ and my aunt is five years older, my uncle is three years younger than my mum.

I suspected she would do something like this, but my grandmother has always defended her and excused her and everyone has toed the party line etc. I caused huge ructions a few years ago when I refused to let her buy me an expensive wedding dress.

She is all about the grand gestures with little meaning e.g she would send a Harrods hamper to my grandmother for Xmas every year. But she was never there for a single Xmas and the hamper was full of things that my grandmother couldn't eat.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I really appreciate you all taking the time to help.

No, no, no!! It just doesn't work like that!! She doesn't get to go in and take whatever she likes to cover her costs. It needs to go through the correct channels. The funeral costs would normally come from your grandmother's estate - not via her jewellery, etc. She doesn't make the rules here, that's what a will is for. FFS! I'm livid with her for you. So sorry you're having to go through all this. FWIW, I wouldn't be travelling in the funeral car unless all family members were included. Definitely speak to the funeral directors about the issues you're having with your aunt - I bet it won't be the first time they've dealt with family conflict.

You should try and get a copy of the will and The Grant of Representation (probate and or letters of administration).

The info and form can be found here

I mentioned earlier that you might want to post on Money Saving Expert (I linked to it earlier) they are really helpful and will help you with the legalities.

I am not that sure of my facts so best to speak yo someone who knows.

Sorry to hear about your Gran.

95-what a good age!

Not unexpeected, but still a shock, isn't it?

My GD got to 92 & I think by then we had thought that he would go on forever!

Yes, legally, noone should have gone in-even if she is an executrix/beneficiary, I think.

I wouldn't blame your mum for wanting nothing to do with her tbh.

As for ransacking the place-nasty!

My sibling & I were left a house & contents by a much loved uncle & we cried over every single thing!

Much heart rending about not keeping anything!

"She is very well respected in her field though, the police would really shit things up for her."

Tough fucking shit. She is a vile human being who deserves nothing from those around her. Expose her for what she really is. Ultimately, she is the one who will have all her millions and the possesions she stole from you DGM but she will die alone because none of her family will never have anything to do with her again. Her secretary can arrange her funeral.

So sorry for your loss and this hideous thing that you are all having to go through after. I suspect a relative or 2 of mine is going to be like this one day. In fact I am not the only one and executors have been altered slightly to try and avoid this situation. Wills, money and death seem to bring out the very worst in some people.

"She is very well respected in her field though, the police would really shit things up for her."

Oh dear-what a shame she ransacked her late mother's house!

This happened to my family.

My grandfather died and his daughter (M) and her DH (who were both sort of estranged from rest of the family) stripped the flat of everything or the vast majority.

My grandfather made a deathbed will but even then after bequests had been made a lovely big gold chain (didn't want it but it was his) that had been left to me, the daughter had had it already. when she was challenged about this she lied and said it was a present from someone else.

There were legal wranglings over where my stepgrandmother got moved (she had dementia, Alzheimers) and she was moved by THEM from pillar to post.

No-one speaks to them at all now - the daughter (M) divorced her DH a few years after the chaos and tried to make amends but no-one wanted to know.

I would certainly say leave well alone and let her do what she wants. but you could call the police.

Yeah so fucking what if the police being involved stirs things up for her?

she should have thought of that before she ransacked the house - is she a solicitor of JP/Magistrate? tough shit Aunt.

Christ, she sounds like a bitch.

My uncle did this- it was appalling. We took him to court and eventually settled. I won't speak to him.

I feel for you op.

i do feel for you, my darling father has already told me which solicitor he made his will with and he also said to me 'as soon as anything happens get round to the house quick because after your brother gets there there will be nothing left'
brother thinks that we don't know Dad has left a will - in fact the last time I saw brother he actually said 'I can't persuade dad to make a will'

allmy-does your brother have a key?

If not, there should be no problem?

Perhaps your father needs to make a list of things he is most concerned about being removed & leave that with his solicitor?

More awful family members. I am shocked at how many people have had similar experiences.

I'm just glad that my grandmother had no idea her daughter could sink so low, how awful for those people who are still alive to worry that their wishes will be disregarded after their deaths. And that their material goods are being eyed up as if they no longer belong to you.

With regards to her job, I am reluctant to be too specific but if you watch Absolutely Fabulous it is very similar to what Edina Monsoon does. She is very like Patsy Stone in personality ( although without the men and substance abuse).

Families do very strange things over inheritances. My grandmother died 32 years ago, when I was still a baby. Her eldest son, my uncle, dealt with everything at the time as he lived close by. It has come to light in only the last 2/3 years that things were never distributed correctly - eg my grandmother's wedding ring should have gone to her only daughter but my uncle insisted she be buried with the ring. It's now turned out that his wife has the ring
There are lots of other things, though nothing of monetary value, but it has caused a huge family rift.

Frankel - why do people lie about such things? Like you say the ring more likely has sentimental value so what should your uncle's wife be doing with the ring?

Honestly after my grandfather died (his first wife, my nana was made executor of his estate) we all agreed that when people die we just want things straight. My nana ended getting up sued by M's husband for something (can't think what) where she paid him £1 or 2K but it was all really stupid.

My nana also shared a flat (which she owned) with another woman who contributed nothing towards the purchase - when the other woman died her relatives crawled out of the woodwork asking for flat to be sold - my nana directed them to Land registry etc the other woman (her friend) HAD had a house but sold it and lived off the proceeds.

HelloBoys with my uncle I think it's a control thing. My dad said he was always very much of the attitude that as the eldest everything was his by right and sod everyone else. He even hung onto a set of books, worthless in monetary terms but sentimental to my dad, his siblings and their cousins. The book's belonged to my grandmother's family and should have gone to her brother's eldest son (my dad's cousin) but my uncle claimed for years that he never saw them when clearing out his mother's house. He finally admitted to having them and fave them to his cousin last year.

I'm so sorry for your loss, although I'm glad that she slipped away peacefully.

The AbFab clue is... pretty huge given the age of the person Eddy was based on.

diddl - Yes my brother has a key,brother arranged for the door to be changed and there were 2 keys, 1 of which he kept for himself, he needs this as my father is not good on his feet and he has emphysmia - I live 250 miles (1 way) away.
I will have a word with Dad as I am visiting this next saturday and can then take a list to the solicitor (and keep a copy myself) - I will also see if I can borrow Dad's key and get a spare cut to keep for myself, although when I mentioned it to him before he told me that they keys are 'special keys' for which you cannot get spares cut, whether they are these sort of keys I do not know for sure, it could just be brother saying this. I know that Dad is worried about things like his house deeds, he says he has looked for them and cannot find them anywhere and he knows that they are NOT lodged with the solicitor because he had to take them with him on a visit to have them copied. So I told him that the solicitor will likely have this copy stored with his will. He is also telling me that all of his share certificates are missing, but he is still receiving the divis into his bank.

When I said this to brother he claimed that Dad was 'becoming very forgetful and would , no doubt, have found these things next time I called'.

You really do need to find out who the executors are OP. It is possible that all 3 of your grandmother's children are executors and therefore your aunt has no legal right to act as she has.

A will is a public document, so she is obliged to share it with your mother. Believe nothing till you have had sight of the original will.

Allmycats. Maybe you could quietly take an inventory of any items of sentimental or monetary value, take photos too. I know it sounds a bit mercenary but you might be glad of it one day.

It sounds as if your brother needs a key, unfortunately.

After my Mum, my Dad did divide up most of her personal things so that that could be done as he wanted.

AFAIK, share certificates aren't transferable, so if your brother has them, I don't think that he can do anything with them.

CommanderShephard.

My aunt isn't the woman Edina monsoon is based on, I just googled that to see what you meant,. Someone asked if my aunt was in the legal profession and I was looking for a comparison to show that she was in another profession where appearance and reputation are very important. She does not work in PR but something similar.
My mother and I used to chuckle our way through Abfab because the characters were so like my aunt so that's what automatically came to mind.
I don't want to inadvertently slander anyone, I was not aware that those characters were actually based on one person in particular.

Oh phew! It's just I googled her and she's the same age as your aunt. (Actually it's inconclusive that she inspired the character of Edina Monsoon; she just says she did)

Wandering, glad to see that you and your mum and brother are all able to support each other.

Apologies for misunderstanding about your aunt going through the house - I have heard of cases where the home of a recently deceased person is actually broken into, but as your aunt has admitted it I I don't know whether the police would become involved.

Have you considered posting in Legal to see whether anyone can advise you on getting a copy of the will?

Wishing you strength for the funeral, and I hope it all passes without your aunt creating any more drama.