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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely incandescent with my bloody aunt.

78 replies

TheWanderingUterus · 04/11/2013 21:51

My aunt has always been a selfish, self-absorbed woman, the world has to revolve around her. I have not had as much contact with her since she behaved appallingly at my wedding, but my mother has kept in more regular contact because of my grandmother who was ailing and needed support.

My grandmother died ten days ago. My mum went to her house to find it looking like it had been burgled. All drawers turned out, books pulled off shelves, all photo albums removed, all jewellery taken, all files and paperwork taken. My grandmother had a little tin of mementos, nothing expensive, just things that meant a lot to her, reminded her of the good times. That tin was upended onto the bed and raked through, then left there. Photos of my step grandpa (not my mum/aunts father but the man who was married to and adored my grandmother and her children/grandchildren for twenty years. We adored him too, he was a sweet and gentle man who treated us with so much love) who died fifteen years ago had been carefully picked out of the albums and discarded on the floor.

It was my aunt.

She has also taken the will.

This woman is a multimillionaire.

And the best bit? She went straight there from her dead mother's hospital bed.

My mother is in tears and is saying that this is the end of their relationship.

I don't think I can forgive this, AIBU.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 04/11/2013 22:22

I really would contact the police.

WeAreSix · 04/11/2013 22:26

I'm sorry for your loss.

My Uncle's partner did something similar when my beloved Nana died. She took Nana's things and gave them to her own children - they had no relationship with each other.

It is despicable and unforgivable. And people like that give the saying 'Where there's a will, there's a relative' meaning.

KissesBreakingWave · 04/11/2013 22:33

Police, as a matter of urgency. That she should rob the dead? Vile, and beyond vile. And I would suggest that the funeral be taken out of her hands also.

TheWanderingUterus · 04/11/2013 22:34

I can't believe this is such a common thing to do.

Its not about the money or the stuff, its just the sheer lack of disrespect towards her mother and the rest of the family and the sheer determination to get in there first.

She is very well respected in her field though, the police would really shit things up for her.

OP posts:
YesterdayI · 04/11/2013 22:38

I hope you and your Mum will be travelling to the funeral with your brother - it would be horrible for him to be so publicly excluded from the funeral cars Sad

TheWanderingUterus · 04/11/2013 22:48

Don't worry, no one will be travelling without my brother.

OP posts:
Inertia · 04/11/2013 22:49

I'm so sorry about your grandmother, and that this has happened.

Another one suggesting calling the police on 101- for one thing, can you be sure that it actually was your aunt who went through the house?

BatPenguin · 04/11/2013 23:00

How awful for you and your mum to have to deal with this at such a difficult time. It must have been so upsetting for you both to see your grandmother/mums possessions so callously strewn about, I really feel for you.
This is of little comfort I'm sure but at least you still have her sentimental possessions.

Frankly I would contact the police and let them 'shit her up' but I realise that you may not want to do this given you are grieving.
Your aunt will die a very bitter and lonely woman.

Take care of yourself and your family, so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your grandmother had a very happy life.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 04/11/2013 23:02

Yes I have heard of ppl doing things like this too. I think it is sad really. If she has not taken anything you really wanted I would not call police because it would make things even more difficult for your mum. I would arrange to join your uncle in acar to the funeral also if you want to give a reading ask the vicar or funeral director. You don't have to talk to the Aunt about it you can tell the funeral director there is some bad feeling between you but you don't want it to spoil the funeral.

ChasedByBees · 04/11/2013 23:03

Police definitely. Even more so if the police will shit things up for her. She's a thief.

ChasedByBees · 04/11/2013 23:03

Inertia, if it wasn't the aunt, then the police need to investigate the break in still.

TheWanderingUterus · 04/11/2013 23:03

Bless you Inertia for that charitable thought. She has admitted it, she was looking for the will, the photo albums are hers as she is the oldest child and she took 'a few little bits of jewellery and paperwork'.

My mum is usually the take no shit type but she was in shock, still grieving and my aunt and her have a very strange back history - my aunt refused to refer to my mum by name for the first twenty years of my mum's life for example.

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 04/11/2013 23:04

It's not that Emma who runs A4E is it ?

zipzap · 04/11/2013 23:19

Thanks so sorry for your loss

and Angry at what your aunt has done! Despicable.

I would definitely contact the police and 101 and report it as a break in - there's no guarantee that it wasn't a break in and would serve her right for taking stuff that doesn't belong to her. If it causes problems for her then that would be fab then she should have thought before being so thoughtless and stealing stuff from her mother that doesn't belong to her.

If your aunt has also nabbed the will then I think that you should also be talking to the solicitor asap to check to see if your gran had left any instructions as to what she would like (as opposed to what your aunt wants) for her funeral. And of course take the opportunity to inform the solicitor of the break in at your gran's home - hopefully he can tell the aunt what she has done was wrong too and point out that she needs to put everything back. Do you know who the executor/s of the will is/are?

I'm also not sure why she is paying for everything funeral related - surely that should come out of the money from the estate? It certainly shouldn't give her the power to dictate the funeral service - that should be something that is agreed by all her children surely? I would definitely be talking to the undertaker and vicar/person doing service and getting a more active role in planning it - even if it is so your mum doesn't turn around a week after the event and think OMG, we forgot to include her favourite hymn or we used one she doesn't like or whatever. Doesn't necessarily mean your mum needs to do a reading if she doesn't want to, but she needs to agree to the contents of the service.

You also don't want the aunt saying that the stuff she has taken from the house was to cover the funeral expenses and getting away with it by skirting the real issue - you don't take stuff from the deceased's house before it has all been sorted out properly so that everything can be properly assessed and distributed.

Could you also dob her in to the tax man if she has taken stuff of any value on the basis that she is trying to defraud them?

sorry, bit all over the place. hope the funeral goes well and that it's the last time you ever need to be polite to your aunt - and the last time you ever need to see her!

BatPenguin · 04/11/2013 23:27

I'm also not sure why she is paying for everything funeral related - surely that should come out of the money from the estate? It certainly shouldn't give her the power to dictate the funeral service that's probably exactly why she's paying zip, she thinks this gives her carte Blanche to do what she wants Sad

Thatisall · 04/11/2013 23:30

Oh she sounds absolutely delightful!!

How old is your DM? Can she take her on or are you going to have to get involved? If you can I'd say avoid conflict and let the solicitors deal with it and this bike woman,

Sorry for your loss OP

leezl · 04/11/2013 23:42

So sad to hear how common this behaviour appears to be. My own aunt did exactly the same thing when my beloved grandmother died. Less than twelve hours after she'd died, we were all informed of the contents of her will and various items were missing from the house. None of us have ever really forgiven her, though we are civil with her. Like you, it wasn't the stuff that we cared about, but the sheer disrespect. I certainly didn't give a flying fuck what the will had in it, and the idea that someone so obviously did made me feel queasy.
Who did your grandmother appoint as her executor? If it wasn't your aunt then I believe they have the right to ask for the items back, to distribute as they see fit, if no explicit instructions exist (I think, don't quote me on that).
So so so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and your mum, brother and the rest of your family.

Tiredmumno1 · 04/11/2013 23:48

So sorry for the loss of your Grandmother Sad Thanks.

As for your Aunt, well she is a despicable human being, she should be ashamed of herself.

I do agree about contacting the police, theft is theft. She needs to be taught that.

Sorry again x.

Shellywelly1973 · 04/11/2013 23:50

Op. Im so sorry firbyour loss.

My mil died 7 weeks ago. My sil did a similar thing but cleared mil house. Even took food out of the cupboards & all cleaning products!

As well as the jewellery, photo's etc. Absolute vultures.

Take care of yourself, your dm & family.

notanyanymore · 04/11/2013 23:54

Do you know who the executors for the will are? They will need to make the report to the police.

TSSDNCOP · 04/11/2013 23:59

I don't think this is uncommon at all unfortunately. You can say its down to grief, but it's like carrion picking at a corpse as far as I am concerned.

My fathers sister and aunt quite literally pulled my Nana's house apart before her funeral. No one could understand at first why there was no cutlery and crockery for the wake.

Then they did the same at my great-uncles when he died.

There's a certain place in Hell for these people, but in the meantime I say pound them with the full force of the law. Photograph the house, send those to the solicitor.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your aunts actions have stirred some bad memories and I'm so angry on your behalf.

Caitlin17 · 05/11/2013 00:07

Who are the executors?

If you or your mother don't know do you know who your grandmother's solicitors are?

So far as the will what she took may well only be a copy. If your grandmother had a solicitor it's more likely the original along with title deeds of any property will be in their strong room.

Thisvehicleisreversing · 05/11/2013 00:16

Sorry for your loss Thanks

My uncle did exactly the same thing after my nan died. Sad luckily she'd hidden away her expensive jewellery so my aunty was able to get to it before he did. He helped himself to plenty of her antiques though.

I know grief makes people act strange but it's a really shitty thing to do.

zipzap · 05/11/2013 00:34

Bat - I know, that's what I'm worried about and that's why I think that the solicitor/executors/funeral director/vicar ought to be stepping in and involving the rest of the grandmother's children so that she doesn't have the final say. She shouldn't have the right to say 'I've paid therefore I get to choose' for something like this!

I also worry that she will say that she took some of the stuff from the house in order to pay for the funeral (I cross posted with OP with my previous post) - which will - sort of - legitimise her taking stuff from the grandmother's house (or at least enable her to argue her way out of trouble!) when it should be standard for these to be paid through the estate surely? Does that make sense? So she can conveniently take the pick of the jewellery, say it's just a few little bits and worth half what they were actually worth, ignore the fact that who gets what should be as per the will or a joint decision or up to the executors if not specified. And then the others get left with virtually nothing - either in sentimental or monetary terms (I know the monetary thing is not the most important thing here but I bet you she has creamed off the most valuable things, it just shows how dreadful the aunt is. Sad

Whocansay · 05/11/2013 08:22

Is it possible for you to have a separate service? Your Aunt can have hers on her own, and everyone else can grieve at a different service without that controlling parasite there?

If you can call the police on her, I would do it. Fuck her. She gives not a hoot for anyone else's feelings, so why respect hers?