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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt SIL to be didn't invite me to her hen do.

32 replies

Allegrogirl · 04/11/2013 17:16

I'm not asking if she should have asked me. Entirely her decision who goes to her hen do. AIBU to feel hurt? Every hen do I've been to has had SILs unless they live miles away. My DBro lives close by and we see each other often. I get on with his GF and I'm only 4 years older than her. I've met lots of her friends and get on with with them. I'm hoping I'm being over sensitive and that's it's not personal.

We can't go to the wedding as it's on the other side of the world with the GF's family. I feel that any interest I take in the wedding or their UK do is pushed aside and I don't get it. I've shown interest and offered to help but Dbro and DF don't seem interested.

I guess I am going to have to suck it up, smile sweetly and gush and the FB pictures of the hen do when I next see her.

OP posts:

TicTacZebra · 04/11/2013 17:19

YANBU. I would feel the same. Especially as you get on.

Are you 100% sure you've not been invited?

takeitonthegin · 04/11/2013 17:23

allegro That seems pretty harsh and I couldnt have not invited my SIL to my hen do but my friend has recently not invited her sil to be on her hen do because it would mean inviting her mil to be and her other sil and they really wouldnt have enjoyed the evening she had planned as they dont like going out for dinner or drinking.

Could it be something like that? She hasnt invited you because of who else she would have to invite.

is she doing a specific activity and has restricted numbers?

If you want to be part of the hen do, maybe suggest drinks or something with her on a separate occasion.

Sorry you feel rubbish about it though.

CoffeeTea103 · 04/11/2013 17:24

Yanbu. Those are the little things that brings family closer. By excluding you, you are already questioning how she feels/ what she thinks of you.

ApocalypseThen · 04/11/2013 17:33

She really should have invited you. That's all there is to it. Perhaps there has been a muscommunication, hopefully the situation will be resolved.

alarkthatcouldpray · 04/11/2013 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeliaFate · 04/11/2013 17:50

Perhaps she wanted to let her hair down in a way she would feel uncomfortable with you being there?

gindrinker · 04/11/2013 17:50

I get on with my SIL but I've met her friends for approx 1hr in 9 years and I have very little in common with her except her brother.

I'm sure its not personal, she prob though you wouldn't want to spend an evening with people you don't know.

GrendelsMum · 04/11/2013 17:53

I think it's not a bad idea, myself - I wasn't invited to my SiL's hen do, because she wanted a special time with a few of her best friends who have known each other for years. I would just have sat around feeling like a lemon. She's a lovely person, but we enjoy very different things!

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 04/11/2013 18:00

My SIL has invited me on her hen do next year. You can go in my place if it helps? It's snowboarding btw.

I do think that actually yes you have a good reason to feel a little pushed out. Unless she's doing a very specific activity for which you have to be previously trained and have 5yrs experience of, a courtesy invite is very much expected imo/e.

So anyway, have you any warm clothes already or shall I find some links? I believe snowboarding is an entirely safe and enjoyable experience. You'll have a ball. Seriously, I'm the last person who would ever snowboard but SIL has invited me because presumably, I'm family. SIL is certainly part of my family afaic.

Pinupgirl · 04/11/2013 18:05

I didn't invite my sil on my hen night as it would have meant inviting my mil too and I really didn't want to do that! I lied and said I never had one.

LucySnoweShouldRelax · 04/11/2013 18:25

Could it be that 1. Everyone else on the hen will know each other/long-standing friends, making it awkward for you? or 2. She might want to have a rager, making it awkward for her?

There could be relatively good intentions at work. As someone already mentioned, it would be nice to still go for a meal/drink yourselves, get to know each other a bit independently?

takeitonthegin · 04/11/2013 18:28

pinupgirl are you the friend I mentioned in my post?

Chucklecheeks · 04/11/2013 18:33

Sometimes people don't think. I had been with DH for ten years and we were due to get married two months after his sister got married. I didn't get an invite to the hen do nor was I in any of the wedding pictures. To this day I remember standing there like a lemon whilst all the family had the pictures. One man even asked me how I knew the groom and when I explained who I was he apologised for the brides insensitivity.
Our children were looking at the wedding pictures recently and my DD commented was it before I met her dad. I just changed subject.
Sorry for the pity post.

diddl · 04/11/2013 18:34

"I get on with his GF and I'm only 4 years older than her. I've met lots of her friends and get on with with them. "

Do her & her friends feel the same, though?

"I've shown interest and offered to help but Dbro and DF don't seem interested."

Do they see your inerest/offers as interference?

I had a fairly low key wedding & it was really simple to organise tbh-no help needed.

YANU to be upset, of course-you feel how you feel.

1charlie1 · 04/11/2013 18:41

My SIL did this too. At the time, I couldn't believe it, given I'd flown to Oz from the UK to attend their wedding. I knew it was coming up, and was waiting to be asked... to no avail! It was a big bash too, I saw the pics on FB. Really affected my feelings toward her for a long time. I was also left out of the sibling photos on the day, they had a bunch done with her brothers, none with me. No idea what was going on, I'm my DBs only sibling, and so not a limelight thief - wasn't even living in the same country! Things are better since they've had a DC. I'm the same, she's much nicer!

BalloonSlayer · 04/11/2013 18:41

I'd say she is offended that you are not coming to the wedding and is thinking "if you can't be arsed to come to my wedding then you obviously won't be interested in coming to my hen do."

This is why she is brushing aside your interest. She thinks, if you were interested you would come to the wedding.

I don't know what to suggest though. Obviously SIBU to be upset - you can't expect everyone to travel to the other side of the world for your wedding - but I guess she just does, somehow.

hardboiledpossum · 04/11/2013 18:43

I don't plan in inviting either of my SILs to be to mine. they are nice but I plan on inviting the close group of girls I have been friends with since I was a teenager. my SILs to be are quite conservative and my friends are a little wild and it would be awkward and I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself.

alarkthatcouldpray · 04/11/2013 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Melawen · 04/11/2013 19:51

My SIL did it right I think - had a weekend away with her very closest friends and then had day at the spa with the rest of the rabble including all the immediate family women - it was a great day.

Your SIL may have her own reasons but YANBU to feel hurt by it.

Melawen · 04/11/2013 19:52

Ooh alark that was a bad cross post by me! I'm sorry you weren't invited to either - that's just mean.

nkf · 04/11/2013 19:54

Personally, I think not to be invited to a hen do is good news. They are almost inevitably the dreariest evenings ever. Probably she wants it to be people she knows from a particular group. It can be hard to mix family and friends.

alarkthatcouldpray · 04/11/2013 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anatanacoat · 04/11/2013 19:58

I didn't realise this was a thing! Maybe I ought to be retroactively offended, hahaha. None of my SILs invited me to their hen dos. Never even occurred to me.

My SILs are great, though; I really love them and they are endlessly lovely to me so I... I think probably when you really like someone you look to the best version of their actions, if you see what I mean? Like, thinking about it, I presume that they wanted some special time with their friends, saying goodbye, in a way, to the life they had shared with those friends - or at least marking the change. I am part of their married lives, but was never part of their singledom.

headoverheels · 04/11/2013 20:04

I didn't invite my SIL to my hen night and she didn't invite me to hers. DH and my brother didn't go on each other's stag nights either. We all get on OK but to me a hen night is for old friends I've known for years so we can all get a bit drunk and be silly together - not making small talk with random family members. Sorry OP!

Justforlaughs · 04/11/2013 20:05

I invited my Sil to mine - bad move. My other Sil didn't invite me, didn't bother me at all as I would not have known anyone - in fact, not even her really, my DSis didn't invite me either but we had a great weekend away - just the two of us and it was far more my thing tbh. I'm sorry you feel bad, in YOUR shoes i would probably feel the same, but possibly more to do with feeling left out of everything than just the hen do.

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