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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect exH to read/do homework with dd?

64 replies

FigRolls · 04/11/2013 13:37

When exH has 6 year old dd for contact, he returns her at 5 p.m. On a Sunday. He returns her lunchbox unemptied/uncleaned and though he looks in her book bag he doesn't do her homework with her, practise her spellings with her, listen to her reading books, research topics etc. I have a younger child too and to get all this done between 5 and bedtime is proving impossible. AIBU to think he should do these things on his weekend? Or if he's apparently incapable then he should return her earlier?

OP posts:

Original poster

FigRolls · 04/11/2013 21:56

It's every other weekend. He pretends he's going to sit with her and watch them when she's engrossed 5 mins later he 'nips for a wee' and doesn't return. I've spoken to him about it and he said he can't just put his life on hold because dd is there

OP posts:

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairy · 04/11/2013 22:12

Have you thought about having him collect her on Sat morning so she can get her homework done on Fri Eve.

Maybe tell him next weekend that if it's not done you will have to alter the time for collection (not return as he will just ignore).

HouseOfGingerbread · 04/11/2013 22:21

OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable, either about the homework or the activities. And trying to do it when she returns must be a nightmare - as you say, she's tired, and she's also readjusting to home. In a similar situation, I've been able to get my child's paternal grandmother and aunt onside - is that an option?

On the more general issue of homework, I am v grateful when homework is over a weekend rather than mid-week - I work full time so evening homework is really difficult. Sounds like schools need to set work on Thursday for Tuesday return to suit all families!

Original poster

FigRolls · 04/11/2013 22:27

Unfortunately not, his family are afraid to stand up to him in case he stops them seeing dd. Saturday collection is inconvenient for him as that's when he does his hobby. Me collecting her earlier on a Sunday isn't an option as it's an hours drive so expensive plus unfair on my younger dd who'd have to come. Just wish he didn't view his responsibilities as optional!

OP posts:

HouseOfGingerbread · 04/11/2013 22:39

Oh dear. You're not being unreasonable but it's probably unrealistic to imagine that he might change. Does he come to parents evening? Could you ask the teacher in advance to explain why homework is important, what the value is?

BlackeyedSusan · 04/11/2013 22:52

would dd do her homework sheet by herself?

could you run through spellings over breakfast monday, if she has learned them well the previous week?

would speaking to the teacher and arranging to get her books changed on a tuesday work? if you approach really nicely and explain they may not mind.

it is a shame that you have to try and compensate for lack of involvement of her other parent.

mitchsta · 05/11/2013 11:12

How sad. The homework thing is bad enough, but just leaving her to watch films on her own is cruel. OP, I don't know why you're so bothered about the inconvenience to him of collecting her on Saturday. Explain the inconvenience to you/your DD and give him his options. Write it down and send an email if it helps you make your point more clearly. It doesn't have to be a pleasant chat - your DD needs to do her homework over the weekend, so his options are:

Do her homework with her and bring her home as usual on Sunday
Allow you to do her homework with her on a Friday and he can collect her on a Saturday and I don't give a fuck about your fucking hobby

As for his comment about not putting his life on hold because DD is there - he most certainly CAN and SHOULD!!! What the hell does he think full-time parents do for the vast majority of their child's life?? Carry on as normal?! Erm...no! Everything changes. Luckily for him, this 'inconvenience' only happens once a fortnight. He can go back to his carefree, fun-filled life with his mates in the time that DD isn't visiting, can't he?! His options:

Take care of your DD
Don't see her

kim147 · 05/11/2013 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FigRolls · 05/11/2013 16:51

Mitchsta - I'm not remotely bothered by the inconvenience for him if he were to collect her on a Saturday, I agree he should be able to put his life on hold for her - particularly as it's only once per fortnight! My life has changed dramatically for six years constantly due to having our daughter, the difference is I appreciate the changes but he seems to see dd as an inconvenience, but one he continues to see to keep up the pretence of him being an awesome dad to his parents. Unfortunately, the options aren't as cut and dried as 'do as I say or don't see her' - ultimately he's her parent too and gets to choose how to fulfil that role. Unfortunately for dd I don't feel he does it nearly well enough and continues expect me to pick up the slack. For example, he's never let dd go to a party or extra curricular events on his weekend. She's kicked up a fuss about this weekend as it's her best friends party and he said the only way she can go is if I drive an hour to his to collect her, an hour back to the party, get dd ready for the party, buy the present, stay to supervise her at the party as it's in a public place, drive her an hour back to his at 6pm then an hour home - all with one year old dd in tow and so basically passing the blame onto me for dd not being able to go to her party

OP posts:

Dancergirl · 07/11/2013 12:46

OP, that's awful, your poor dd.

She can't miss her best friends party, nor should she miss any party she wants to go to.

I presume the party is near where you live? Can you just drive her straight home after the party?

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 07/11/2013 13:22

Surely she can change or miss the w/e for her best friend's party? There is a genuine reason, so he can still get "good Dad" points ......

DIYapprentice · 07/11/2013 13:31

Are your ex-IL's in the picture very much (and living close to him)? Could THEY pick her up on a Friday evening, and he collects her from them on Saturday after his hobby? They might be more willing to go through homework with her.

DIYapprentice · 07/11/2013 13:32

What about your 1year old's dad? Could he look after her if you took your DD to him on a Saturday lunch time or pick her up early on a Sunday?

(Oh, YANBU btw, but as you can't make him do it, your best option is to find a solution to work around him.)

Meglet · 07/11/2013 13:41

Yanbu.

In fact me and XP went over the party thing at mediation. He refused point blank to take the DC's to parties if it was his time with them. The mediating officer put her foot down and said he must do what is in their best interests. He refused, got asked to leave the session for getting angry, he stormed out and that was the last we saw of him.

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