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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you you check before sending your child over to play?

80 replies

SadFace502 · 03/11/2013 10:15

Just that really... My DS goes to school with a child over the road, they are 7.

At weekends his parents regularly send him over to 'play' - he rocks up on our doorstep and asks to come in and play... Obviously DS does the "oh, please let X stay and play' so I generally let him in (inwardly seething).... X then slopes around saying "I'm bored", "can I have a coke", "I only came to you because Y down the road isn't in" etc for an hour or so (whilst also trashing the house) before I message his parents to see if I can send him back!

My DH works shifts and frequently sleeps during the day so having two 7 year olds plus my DS2 who is 4 running around the house isn't ideal. The parent knows that he has to sleep during the day yet still sends him over....

He came over yesterday and asked to come in and play, luckily we were just off to meet friends so I felt justified in saying no... He said that his parents were out and that he would go to the skate park.... I saw him cycling around the street when we went out - he's only 7, and I felt bad!!

Sorry for the rant, I want to say that I'd prefer it if she asks but don't want to come across as rude Hmm

Thanks...

OP posts:
finncotta · 03/11/2013 11:23

I think the rules/etiquette for calling over to play differ hugely between families and even more between cultures, as I've learned living overseas. You have to decide what's acceptable to you and stick to it.

Mine are:

  1. You can't invite yourself into someone's house. You have to be invited by them.
  2. You can ask if your friend wants to come outside, or to your house. If they then invite you in, you can go, but come and tell me where you are first. If you don't and I have to come and find you, next time you won't be allowed to go.
  3. When kids turn up at my door, I don't let them in automatically. If they ask to come in, I might let them, but only if it's convenient. No-one is allowed friends in if others are doing homework or if we're eating. When they ask why, it's because I said so Grin
SarahBumBarer · 03/11/2013 11:55

Is this abnormal then?

When I was growing up this is just how we went to see if our friends wanted to play. We did not need our mummies to arrange "playdates" [bleurgh!] for us.

If it wasn't convenient the kid/parents just said no. So far as I know none of the kids are having therapy to deal with the trauma.

I was quite looking forward to having DC's friends rock up on an ad hoc when they are a bit older. What has England become? Sad

MrsCakesPremonition · 03/11/2013 12:00

Sarah - the abnormal bit is the parents leaving the child alone at home while the adults go out.

moldingsunbeams · 03/11/2013 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SadFace502 · 03/11/2013 12:11

Sarah, I'm not asking for a 'play date' to be arranged, just a text or something to say is it okay for X to come over to play for a while... With DH having to sleep during the day it's generally not okay and I'd rather not be put in the position of having to say no... How old are your children? I think I'll let DS out in a few years but just feel that (for around here) 7 is too young. If we lived in a nicer area with less cars zooming down the road at 50mph it might be different.

Different strokes I guess.....

OP posts:
pigletmania · 03/11/2013 12:11

Sarah nobody is saying that I totally agree with you, if ts not convenient say noand send te chil away. What is neglectful is arents going out leaving a 7 year od to wonder the streets and vulnerable. I was not aware of that happening ack in te day, aways a parent r Oder child at home if needs be

pigletmania · 03/11/2013 12:13

Usually the older child would be a teenage sibling

catgirl1976fucker · 03/11/2013 12:17

I think it is neglect

(Not the playing out - that's normal and as is a child calling for a friend)

The bit that isn't normal for me is the parents telling him to call for your DS whilst they go out, without knowing where he is or if you were ok to look after him. Anything could happen and they are not even there or aware of his whereabouts or wellbeing :( Poor little thing

YANBU to not want to be providing free childcare with no agreement when your husband is sleeping

monicalewinski · 03/11/2013 12:21

What Fincotta said, that's exactly what I do.

Playing out and calling on other kids is perfectly normal IMO, I would find it odd if a mum texted me to arrange playing.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang · 03/11/2013 12:27

Just stop being wet. If it doesn't suit you, just say 'No'. Your DS will have to learn that it's not always convenient to have 'friends' in & the kid can complain to his parents if he doesn't want to play out.

ProphetOfDoom · 03/11/2013 12:33

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moldingsunbeams · 03/11/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

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Justforlaughs · 03/11/2013 12:45

OP, you need to tell his mother that it is not convenient for him to just drop in as your DP may well be sleeping. You need to insist that he goes home if he turns up unannounced. If you feel that he may be being neglected, then you need to report it.

PacificDogwood · 03/11/2013 12:45

I wouldn't wade in there all guns blazing.

I think saying 'no' to the kid when it's not convenient is one thing, and the whole 'is this neglect?' another. None of us are there and the OP will have to decide whether to take this further.

I am not sure I'd let the family know what he's said - if he is in a difficult situation at home, he could get in to more trouble for having spoken out to 'strangers'.

One of the wee boys who comes to ours v regularly has no curfew and sometimes appears here straight from the school bus, hungry. I have repeatedly sent my mobile number on a piece of paper to his mum, but have never had contact back. I have no idea whether she knows he is here although he tells me she does. I don't know her although would have probably seen her at the school gates from when the kids were younger. He has a number of siblings, his mum is on her own - so I just let him in if at all possible, feed him with the rest of mine, sometimes he gets dinner here and sometimes I have to turf him out at 6. I feel sorry for him, he has been in trouble at school a fair bit, but around here is always as meek as a mouse. I am wondering whether I should walk him home one day and ask for her mobile nr in person??
Confused

ProphetOfDoom · 03/11/2013 12:46

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usualsuspect · 03/11/2013 13:13

I bet his parent were in.

moldingsunbeams · 03/11/2013 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameDeepRedBetty · 03/11/2013 13:38

Pacific that does sound a bit more like neglect than the OP's situation.

PacificDogwood · 03/11/2013 13:41

I know Sad.
It's likely emotional neglect more than anything, not that that makes it any better.

I will walk round with him one night - I have the excuse that it is now pitch dark at 6.

DameDeepRedBetty · 03/11/2013 13:42

Let us know how you got on Pacific.

Caitlin17 · 03/11/2013 13:56

Mine played outside at 7, there was a group of boys about the same age. The mothers didn't set up formal appointments as marriedinwhite seems to think is needed. It just seemed to sort itself out. There were enough parents, older brothers and and sisters around that there was always someone's house available. And they did, in fact play outside as a group a lot of the time.

Your situation seems a bit different if there's just the 2 of them and it's not the norm for children in your area.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/11/2013 14:01

This was the majority of my social life at seven - 'calling on' nearby children, asking 'can X come out to play?' or asking the child, who'd check with their parent, then, if yes, playing together, usually outside but sometimes in each others' houses too.

Sometimes we'd do it all day and go in and out of each others' houses (with permission). Though, I'm sure I used to go off saying 'I'll call on x', then if wasn't in I'd call on y, so my whereabouts were not necessarily known but, the list of possible families was, so if I didn't come back, she'd know who to phone round.

My mother did not go out and leave me roaming the streets though!

So the abandonment is odd and really quite worrying, especially as the parents presumably don't know for certain that you've let him in (are they watching?), so whose house he's at, or where else he's ended up. I'd probably talk to them about that, or, contact the local police and see if they can send a community support officer round for a chat about risks and neglect.

The idea of a child knowcking on your door asking to play with your son though, seems entirely normal to me. You give permission or not, depending on whether yur son wants to play with him and is 'free' to do so.

ll31 · 03/11/2013 14:07

Just say no when he knocks. Don't get into conversation/ explanations. I would then text his mother to say he's just knocked but it didnt suit purely cos hes so young.

MostWicked · 03/11/2013 14:14

You don't have to provide cans of coke or allow this child to trash your house. You can say no, you can't come in, no you can't have any coke, and if you want to come round and play, you have to treat this house with respect and tidy things up before you leave. If you can't follow those rules, you are not allowed in.

EmmelineGoulden · 03/11/2013 14:51

"I'd rather not be put in the position of having to say no"