How soon would you expect to hear from a very close family member about a new baby?

[Thurlow]

Genuinely unsure if anyone is being unreasonable (and the situation has the potential to spiral) here so would like the MN jury to help.

If a very close family member i.e. sister/in-law, brother/in-law had a baby (say DC4), and given mobile phones and the ease of sending a text or email even if it's not a phone call, how soon would you expect to hear the news? Or alternatively, how soon did you send a some sort of message to parents, in-laws, siblings, best friends etc?

The call at work was only because it's a reliable way to get hold of him because of bad signal where he lives, it's a standard thing for them. It's his phone, not a shop or something. It wasn't checking up - well, no more than asking if DIL was OK around her due date.

You know on AIBU where you mention one thing and people pick up on that and then you wish you could edit a previous post...?

'Within normal but comparatively slow', that's a good phrase.

I'm sure it depends on what's happening, whether you can call or text within an hour or so. If your baby is off for checks or something then you or your DH might text then. I can fully admit I'm biased on this one as DD went straight to NICU so I didn't have a newborn to coo over and made up for this while in recovery by calling and texting everyone in my phone book! I even managed huge long phonecalls to everyone the next day as I had time to kill when I was chucked out of NICU for the ward rounds. I tend to forget that isn't everyone's experience!

This actually upsets me, I am due to have a csection next week and I have had a complicated pregnancy, its my 6th baby and I wanted at least a day or two privacy before we tell everyone but I am guessing I will look like a complete bitch if I dont announce it immediately

Second time we were still dealing with shifting the placenta at one hour.

I'm so sorry, NoIhavent, I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad. If you don't tell anyone, no one will know? Or just say beforehand that you want to enjoy your time alone and will call people when you are ready? You don't look like a complete bitch at all. You have 6 kids! You more than need the time to enjoy your newborn!

With both of my siblings I would expect our parents to do the reporting on. I don't think I contacted either of them direct. Spoke to parents within 20 mins each time and they then called siblings/my grandparents etc. my dad texted me at 3am to tell me dsis1 had had her baby. Was on hols with dsis3 so went to wake her up and tell her.

I think both sets of grandparents were told within an hour.

Not sure about ExHs DSis as he would have dealt with telling her.

My DM would have told one of my DBs, my sister probably found out from a Facebook status and my other brother might not even know how many DC I have now as we haven't spoken since before the younger 2 were born.

I have always found out about my siblings DC though my DM as well and didn't think anything of it to be honest as we don't really speak to each other.

If your parents weren't in touch for two weeks before the due date, I'd see that as a much more interesting element of what was going on, tbh.

HOwever bloody annoying, I'd expect my P/PIL to be calling at least every 3/4 days in the run up to the due date to check on things. (And yes, I'd expect it to be that way round, esp if I had 3 kids to manhandle)

Thanks for saying that - I am probably a bit very hormonal.

Well I am not sure it was OK for his work colleagues to say he was on paternity leave? I guess work colleague assumed family would know.

I weould say it was unusual not to let family k ow within the day? I let my mum and dad and sister know asap literally. But my mil didn't want to be called after 9pm or before 7am... And won't do texts. All mine turned up in middle of night do she didn't know till the morning.

Does you'd brother not have a landline? Or email? It seems odd to phone him at work, I can only call DPs work number in a crisis/emergency, otherwise I just text and he will get it/reply when he has a chance.

So yes its on the unusual end of normal and I would feel sad to have found out by calling work but its just bad luck, probably not intentional.

Congratulations on your new neice :)

You can't win, can you nobut? Calling at work where they have a reliable phone service is intrusive, but not calling for a few weeks is bad... I'm now trying to remember how much MIL called or texted before my due date...

DB has email, but DM doesn't understand "that internet thingy". She's the kind of women who will had me an Argos catalogue - when we're in Argos collecting an order I have obviously placed online...

I still haven't had a message, but I don't know if DB was assuming parents would tell me. Probably was. I think they're coming home tonight so I will leave them in peace and text in the morning (text first so I don't interrupt).

I know it sounds weird to other people (but then don't a lot of people's families) I'm just trying to gauge whether with other lack of contact they are trying to tell us they don't really want to be in contact anymore, in which case I feel stuck between accepting and respecting this, or trying to seriously mend bridges. Either could very much be the wrong thing to do and make things worse.

I think it's VERY odd not to tell your own parents that the baby has arrived!

i can't imagine being so far distanced from my own mum and dad that I wouldn't want to share the news with them.

when I had my lot I was desperate to let everyone know straight away every time, cos it's so exciting!

Thurlow, is it his parents who were not told and hers who were?

fair point. But d'you know, I would actually take the idea that grandparent are in the wrong until proved adequate pretty seriously for the first 3 months ..whereas new parents are allowed to be arses, cos it doesn't happen that oftrn (OK, they're on dc4, but still!)
Congrats on your new niece/nephew, btw!

By their 4th baby, I bet they just wanted a day or two's peace to get the siblings used to the new baby, recover as much as they could. Maybe they had a bad experience with their parents visiting on the other three occasions and, oh, I don't know, needing looked after or wittering on. Maybe her mother is awful and they wanted to keep her away, and felt it was unfair to let his mother visit first...or something like that.

I know BIL and SIL told dh's mum, she told us, and then they went off grid. Just for a few days. We were mildly miffed (the baby was very eagerly awaited) but MIL was actually not sleeping. Stressful.

That's probably right, nobut!

Its my DB and SIL'S family who know, if that makes any difference. She doesn't have great relations with her family either (they've moved to the other side of the country and have distanced themselves a lot from both sides, though slightly more from ours - our two families aren't friends but we know from friends of friends that SIL's family haven't been and have been a bit upset about this too). Maybe they just want to set up their own family away from everyone else - which is fine, I just wish we all knew where we stood. SIL's sister went and stayed for the birth as they are knew to their area and don't know anyone local yet to look after the DC, so had to ask someone from one family to come down, and this sister is the only one without her own DC to complicate matters.

With son I didn't say anything ,but word spread by Facebook so everyone found out pretty soon. With my daughter I didn't tell anyone apart from my mum personally until mid morning (had her about 3 that morning ) and made sure I told immediate family before I put it on Facebook.

Sometimes you get so wrapped up in the birth ,afterwards dealing with baby etc...that unless it's someone very very close (like the father ,lol , or your mum ) then you tend to forget to tell anyone until your alone and bored.

I take it from your second post that there are divisions & things within the family? Well, in that case you can probably scratch mostvof the answers you've been given.

Totally different kettle o fish when the proud parents aren't exactly on great terms with ils etc. In tjis case they're probably wanting to hunker down & bond as a family in their own right, instead of getting straight on the phone to difficult extended family members.

I think should tell parents ASAP ideally within a couple of hours as I know my mum and mother in law where sitting waiting by phone with dc 1 and dc 2 as they knew we in hospital. With dc3 both of them abroad and didn't know we had gone to hospital as he was early and so it was a few hours before we got around to it because we knew they wouldn't be worried and the older cd being looked after by our nanny so could wait a few hours was nice to have a quiet day . But wouldn't have left my parents or parents in law worrying had they been around.

I told all close family the same morning my DD was born (though waiting for a decent hour). I would find it hurtful to not find out straightway (either directly or via the GPs having been told immediately).

So they are still at hospital? Maybe they just wanted time to get home and settled, maybe your db has just been busy with kids, going backwards and forwards to hospital etc. If he has a crap signal maybe that hasn't helped is he tried to call couldn't get through and was then distracted/busy?

I don't think there is anything wrong in waiting a day or two to let family know, it is unfortunate that your parents found out the way they did.

Your brother needs to sort out a landline and your mum should get aufait with email... Tho I know what my mil is like, she also prefers catalogues in paper form and won't do text etc, has a mobile but doesn't turn it on...

i took 36h to tell anyone about baby#1 - was totally out to lunch trying to get my head around a v rapid delivery and wasn't really coherent until then so promptly self discharged still unable to feed baby and phoned my mum as soon as I got home. I would be careful judging tbh - sometimes it can still have been horrific even if everyone alive and well at the end.

baby 2 was an IUD. Texted mum about an hour later

baby 3 was an expected rapid delivery. Told mum about 4h later.

Exactly the same, 5mad - mum ends up with a new mobile every year because she doesn't turn the fecking thing on and the battery just disintegrates or something!

Yes, it's probably just unfortunate now have to work on explaining that to mum and given what's been going on for the past few years I'm being quite pessimistic and seeing it all in a more negative light. Thanks everyone for the answers, they have really helped.

WithRed, I get what you're saying. I suppose at the moment I don't understand if, and if so, why we are considered difficult family members (if we are) but that is potentially the case. It feels hard at the moment because when you are aware things have become precarious, you're worried that whatever you do might make things worse. From what I read on MN, calling them and asking what is wrong could be seen as far too pushy, but not calling and thinking you are respecting their privacy can be see as not offering an olive branch.

I'm at a loss, really. Like I said, text tomorrow (asking to tell me if they think they can chat, if not to email photos) and then card and pressie in the post. Can't think of what else to do if they've decided we are the difficult family members.

24 hours for close family and special friends. Days for less close people.

I think your parents shouldn't kick up a storm. It sounds to me like they were buying a little quiet time while in recovery after the birth. After recovering and getting some sleep, it's best to take time introducing the siblings.

Do your parents tend to expect an instant hospital visit post birth or do they interfere?

I don't know, retro -on the interfering, it depends on how you view it, really. I'm close to my parents, they saw DD as soon as they could, if it had been possible I would have happily had them there on the same day. I don't think they are interfering but I'm not a neutral judge, they provide a lot of support etc. They wouldn't have expected a same-day visit as they're opposite sides of the country.

DC1 is due in Feb and I plan on having DH phone my parents as soon as we're all sorted and provided everything's gone ok, so maybe an hour later. IL's - I don't care when they find out, haven't heard off them since DH told them I'm pregnant. If he wants to phone them after my parents it's up to him, so long as they don't turn up at the hospital.
I will leave my parents to tell the rest of the family. I don't plan on making calls/sending texts when I've just given birth.

I would do as you said and send a text tomorrow along the lines of 'congratulations, heard the good news hope you are all well, can't wait to see a photo' etc