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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Babies, am I ready?

32 replies

Flowerybitch · 02/11/2013 14:37

I think I would like some mums advise on this one please... Me and my fiancé are getting married next year (I will be 24) I feel very broody and want to start trying for a baby straight away, my OH wants to leave it a few years first (he's 27). We have lived together 4 years and I know he wants kids eventually but not yet.. To the mums out there should I wait or start trying straight away? I feel like I'm/ where ready but We have the rest of my life's to have children but then I feel like we are only getting older too... How old we're you? Were you ready? Should we wait a few years?

OP posts:
WooWooCaChoo · 02/11/2013 14:39

I was 21 and it was a complete accident. It's worked out brilliantly for us though and now we're expecting number 2.

If I were you I wouldn't start trying until your partner is on board with it as well. Have you spoken about how you feel with him? Why not set a deadline between you of when you would both feel ready to start trying. It won't work if only 1 of you is ready.

Original poster
Flowerybitch · 02/11/2013 14:44

Thanks woo woo, we have discussed it and he wants to wait a few years, so he will be 30.. I'm ready now I have been broody for so long and all my friends seem to be having babies too, it's just so difficult what to do for best as I know we won't get this time back. I wish i had a crystal ball..

OP posts:
dyslexicdespot · 02/11/2013 14:44

I would wait until your partner ready.

WorraLiberty · 02/11/2013 14:46

To the mums out there should I wait or start trying straight away?

How? Confused

Your husband to be doesn't want them straight away.

ImperialFucker · 02/11/2013 14:47

I would wait, because you know what? Just because you've had a baby it doesn't mean you stop being broody! Plan for a great future where your jobs are more stable, you have a bit more money and your partner's completely ready. You want it to be perfect, don't you?

Original poster
Flowerybitch · 02/11/2013 14:53

Thanks imperial good advise!

OP posts:
FaithTheVampireSlayer · 02/11/2013 14:58

I wanted a baby as soon as we were married. If been broody for years. However DH said 'Not yet' for nearly 18 months until our jobs were stable, pay had improved and we were settled in our house (previously in a small flat which would have been manageable but difficult with a baby). In the end it took nearly 3 years for us to conceive. He says in retrospect because of this he wished we'd started TTC straight away but I'm actually glad we had a year married just enjoying being a couple.

You're still young, there's no tearing hurry. I think you can just keep asking/encouraging him once you're married and gauge when he's ready.

OHforDUCKScake · 02/11/2013 14:59

You dont have a choice, do you?

YomAsalYomBasal · 02/11/2013 15:00

No, you're not ready. If you're considering ttc without your partner's consent you definitely aren't mature enough.

WorraLiberty · 02/11/2013 15:01

I can't work out whether she's considering that, or asking if she should try harder to persuade her DP to reconsider.

SharpLily · 02/11/2013 15:03

"and all my friends seem to be having babies "

I think you've answered your own question. If that's one of your reasons for wanting it, then you are definitely not ready.

WooWooCaChoo · 02/11/2013 15:12

My partner was 30 when we had our first, being 30 isn't really a problem. Why don't you see if he will compromise and see how he feels next year. Just out of interest, what is it he wants to wait for?

It doesn't make a blind bit of difference if you're friends are having them btw. This is your life, not theirs.

SanityClause · 02/11/2013 15:18

If I were you, I would have an agreement with your STBDH about when you will start to TTC. He doesn't want to, yet, but you agree you both want DC.

So, have an agreement, enjoy the next few years (or however long), make sure you have some savings or assets behind you, make sure you have a suitable house or flat for at least one child, and a plan for how to move on, if need be.

The thing is, you need to make sure that your agreement allows sufficient time for you to find someone else to have children with, if your STBDH reneges on the agreement. (This may sound harsh, but women have to be more aware of their years of fertility than men do.)

Original poster
Flowerybitch · 02/11/2013 15:33

yom I would never do anything without my OH wanting it too!

sharplily I don't want a baby because my friends do haha! it just seems like everyone around me is having babies when I want a baby so much!

OP posts:
Kafri · 02/11/2013 15:43

I would discuss it further with your DP. Explain fully where you're coming from and your reasons then at least he's fully aware of your reasons. Let him tell you his reasons for wanting to wait a while as they're just as valid as yours.
Ultimately you'll have to wait til he's ready unless you're gonna start married life on a lie.

For what it's worth, DS will be 1 in December. I was 28 and DH was 34.

ChipAndSpud · 02/11/2013 15:51

I think you have to wait until he's ready too. There's never a good time to have a baby really! In the meantime, get some practice with your friends baby's and save up as much money as you can, work hard and have a nice home ready for when you and your fiancé are ready for a baby.

kaatieexox · 02/11/2013 15:56

I'm 21 (he's 28) and we are expecting our first baby. Only been together a year and it was an accident. Deep down I knew I was ready but my OH wasn't as first but now he's more excited than I am!

SharpLily · 02/11/2013 16:05

"sharplily I don't want a baby because my friends do haha! it just seems like everyone around me is having babies when I want a baby so much!"

Glad to hear it. Unfortunately the way you're expressing yourself isn't making you sound particularly mature and ready for a family - because you do realise that's what's involved? It's not about having something cute and ickle to cuddle and make you feel good. Saying you just really want a baby doesn't make it apparent that you understand the weight and depth of the situation.

Josie314 · 02/11/2013 16:21

I second setting a timeline. Before getting married DH and i agreed to start ttc at 29. He was a bit worried he wouldn't be ready, but as we had time to build up savings and prepare mentally, he was fully on board when the time came.

I know it can be really hard when you are so broody, but try to enjoy the things you won't get to do once you have a little one. For example, I really miss being able to read a book in a coffee shop. Or even just sit in a coffee shop...

cluecu · 02/11/2013 16:22

I'm nearly 33 and get married in march. We have decided to try for a baby from the wedding night as we want a baby but our age is a factor. If we'd been together at your age I would be waiting a few years yet and making the most of being just the two of us and having longer to save for things. I wouldn't be considering it though if we weren't both completely on the same page. If your OH wants to wait a little I think you should Smile

Original poster
Flowerybitch · 02/11/2013 16:33

If really appreciate some of the useful comments, thanks guys...sharplily I was 14 when my little sister was born and I was basically her second mummy I fed, bathed, clothed, put her to bed most nights so yes I do know what's involved and I know babies are hard work and not cute and cuddly all the time, please do not call me immature you know nothing about me.

OP posts:
SharpLily · 02/11/2013 17:12

I didn't say you were immature, I simply pointed out that the way you were expressing yourself wasn't doing you any favours - "all my friends seem to be having babies" and the fact that you're asking a bunch of random strangers on the internet if you're ready to have a baby, for example. You're right, I don't know anything about you - nor does anyone else on here but you are asking for people's opinions on this matter based upon the information you have put out there, which is very little and includes the points I have referenced. What else do you expect people to go on?

Now you have since made it clear that you know what's involved, good for you. But if your husband is not ready and you're asking a bunch of people what you should do about that, then it seems obvious to this random stranger that now probably isn't the best time. Mature or not, you are very young to take such a massive and life altering step and any child you have will benefit from the life experience you gain before becoming a mother. You have plenty of time. You've got a long time yet to enjoy having a baby, but once you've gone down that road, you'll never get that time back again.

KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 02/11/2013 17:31

I was 21 having ds1 and 23 with ds2. Df was 24 and 26. Both planned.

With hindsight, I wish we'd waited a couple of years. If I could change history but guarantee that we would have exactly the same children, but later, I would.

It doesn't matter how prepared you are. The second you have a baby, your whole life will change, and IMO (and I really don't mean to patronise) no one without children is capable of understanding just how much things will change. Also, the younger you are, the more you are likely to feel the change, in terms of what your peers are doing.

I was noticing 'all of my friends' having babies when I was 20 and desperately wanted one. As soon as I had a baby I started noticing 'all of my friends' who didn't have babies, and were at Uni, going travelling and having adventures.

Ultimately it's worked out well for us, but it could still have worked out well if we'd had a couple more years of just us as a couple.

Gonewiththewindfaboulous · 02/11/2013 18:25

I think OP is simply trying to gage (based on comparison of peers and other women) the best time to start a family. OP I think you are mature and brave enough to ask sound advice from experienced women before making decisions.

OP there is never a right age/time to have a baby, there will alway be something you wish you could have done first or have better of etc etc. I was 31 when I had my DC twins. Could I have saved a lot more, travelled a lot more, partied a lot more?- Yes! But not resentful in the slightist, just planning to travel and party when they go to Uni!

As long as you and OH are on the same page and both want it and you feel stable enough both in mind and financially, it's up to you when you're ready. 24 is young (and yes you could probably achieve more if you wait), but not as young as some of the 15/16 (even younger) year olds I see pushing buggy around these days.

Have a conversation with OH, talk about what you would like to achieve individually and collectively post wedding and agree ideal timeframes and work towards those goals. You may find that will give you an indication on when you will both be ready.

Kafri · 02/11/2013 19:11

I'm also with keepingup in the 'you can never be prepared...

I've spent my whole working life working with kids and had always been around babies and toddlers as a child. I thought I was prepared. How wrong was I....

I got the baby that screamed endlessly in the early days, the baby that was desperate to run, nevermind walk from day 1, He has been bloody hard work. He was desperately wanted and the result of IVF and i've felt guilty on some of the torturous days and really beat myself up about not enjoying him. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore him and the days are getting easier now he's not as frustrated but absolutely nothing could have prepared me for life as a new mum simply because no 2 babies are the same.

All of my friends who have babies of a similar age have had different 'issues' with their little ones - some have simply refused to sleep beyond an hour or so, some have had reflux and other tummy troubles (DS included), some have just been so inconsistent in what they do that mums have struggled to make any sort of routine.

Gonewiththewind is also correct - there is never a right time. A friend of mine said she wanted to wait til after her 30th so she could have a drink (or several bottles) on her bday and now that's passed she's now saying she might wait til her sister has got engaged so she can have a drink there - my point is, ther'll always be something coming up as a reason to wait til after it. Also, you'll never 'afford' children as such - you'll spend within your means and provide as best you can and make cuts in ither places when necessary.

I say, you're ready when BOTH of you can honestly say, 'if I was pregnant would we be ok with it'? Til then, practice! :-D