to not know when the 'right time' is?

[coulddowithsomewisdom]

Hi - NC for this and not sure if AIBU is the right place but lots of traffic (plus couldn't find anywhere else that seemed sensible!)

DH and I have been married for just over a year. We have a house and are reasonably financially secure. Recently we've broached the subject of when when to start a family. It's something we've both talked about before in a general sense and we both want children. I suppose for me the hurdle is that it's one thing to talk about 'yes, I'd like children' and then another to say 'yes let's start trying'.

My main hesitation is to do with my career. I work in a very demanding but ultimately very fulfilling profession. It's something that's taken me years of training and experience to achieve and I'm now well respected by my colleagues and beginning to get a presence in the wider industry. My job is at a similar level to, say, solicitors, doctors etc.

The problem I have is that I know that, as and when we have kids, I will want to scale back my career. There is no way that I would be able to work at my current intensity with the frequent late nights and constant emails/calls. I know some people manage but my choice would be to rein things in a little. Unfortunately, my profession is incredibly male dominated, as in less than 10% women. I therefore have no examples of people who have been able to combine the two.

I feel like my career is on the up at the moment but, thinking sensibly, I know I've already achieved a lot and at any point in time there will always be an exciting project around the corner so I could wait forever. Equally, I know that the longer I leave it, the more difficult it maybe.

So many people say that there is never a 'right time' and I know it's not clear cut. What I suppose would be great is if anyone is willing to share their own experience or offer some words of wisdom...?

How old are you?

Oops, sorry, thought I'd put that in! Will be 30 in the new year

Should also add that when I was younger I naively thought I'd be married with 2.4kids and a dog by the time I was 30...ha! (well, we have the dog!)

we just sat down knowing we both wanted kids and disxussed when best to have them.

I wanted to be pregnant or at least ttc in my late 20s in case of any fertility issues, and dh wasn't particularly bothered but said would like a few years of just us to have nice holidays, establish work and savings and house etc

we married at 23 and decided to ttc at 26 before we were married.

its worked out very well for us but I would just advise on having that conversation, its extremely useful

There's no answer. You need to talk about it and agree a plan. Bear in mind you can plan when to try, but when you have a baby is far harder to predict. Some people wait years. In the meantime, now might be a good time to save money to get you through ML/reduced hours. Also think about doing things/going places that are difficult with children.

Reading your post, I think you are mixing up "right time" with fears that having a child/children will impact negatively on your career.

You cannot wait for the Time Fairy* to magic you up a time when this will happen. You have to make it - to the best of your abilities. If you want it. Remember: there is no law that says you have to want/have children.

Your perception is correct: many women do end up getting a bit shafted by the act of having children. However, I do think that being aware of this a. helps you plan b. stops you thinking that it is just your problem and feeling like a failure because of it.

It's not just your problem, though. It is also the father (assuming you to be in a heterosexual reelationship) of your baby's issue. That, by the way, is step one - making sure he takes an equal share of this.

Good luck.

*Many adults believe in the Time Fairy. It is magical thinking, and not helpful.

I was 34 when I had my first and it was really only then that we had reached a point where we could think about kids. If that point had come at 30 or 31 though I would have grabbed it. It's worked out fine for us but, had I started having kids earlier, I could have spaced them better (instead we got them all out fast, feeling against the clock all of a sudden).
Id say 30 is a good age to start but it's not urgent. Plenty of people wait til they're 38, though I wouldnt risk it myself. It's definitely the case that there is never a right time. Our life was perfect just the two of us with our jobs and social lives. But it's perfect now too, in a different way.

None of my friends had kids before 30 but suddenly everyone was at 31/32.

... and in a wider context, society needs to stop making women choose between their lives (which "career" usually stands as a major signifier for) and having children.

It's the C21 - it is insane that we are still in this situation.

I think it is "hidden" a bit because, unlike, say the "image of the 1950s", most women do now work post-children. BUT our earning power and career trajectory tend to be curtailed AND we work really, really hard, and are VERY stressed, and have very little left-over cash.

But if you don't keep a hand in - at least a hand - you will be left in a very bad place a. should your relationship fall apart b. when the children are old enough not to require you.

So, we work, feel bad that we are working for so (seemingly) little; feel bad because we can't afford Rolls Royce childcare; feel bad because we are not 100% there for the children; feel bad because we're not 100% there for our paid work.

It's very, very annoying.

Of course, there are good days: when you do everything pretty well, and realise you have, And it often beats hands down the isolation of the 50s dream home ,,,,

Oh and it has negatively impacted on my career for now but I think I can get it back. It's like I've been written off for the time being as everyone knows the kids are consuming my energy and I've taken a lot of mat leave. But in a year or so ill be able to give more at work and they'll remember I'm not that bad after all (hopefully)

Not sure that was helpful. I mean you can have a career lull but still get it back

Thank you all for your replies - love the idea of the time fairy, if only it were true :)

We'd be able to deal with the loss of income which is good (and lucky) and DH ad I are very much a partnership - we seem to have a good split of getting things done around the house and are conscious of when one another is under the cosh and picking up the slack.

DH is a teacher and so operates in an entirely different environment to me. I'm not saying it's any less stressful, just different, and sometimes he doesn't necessarily understand the peculiarities of my career.

thecatfromjapan I think you've managed to articulate exactly what it is that bothers me! I know I can't have it all. I've seen family friends go down the 6 week maternity leave route and never see their kids, those who give it all up and those who try to combine the two and end up frazzled. I like the idea of the latter, but without the frazzled part!

I think it's hard when you've been working so solidly - school, uni, early career - to develop your work persona that to all of a sudden put the brakes on it feels counter intuitive.

Also not helpful that I'm too bloody analytical for my own good!

Me2me2 Have you gone back FT or PT?

No such things as the right time. You are only 29, newly married. Why not pause for a bit? Enjoy spending time with your husband. Go on lots of lovely holidays that you will def not be able to do with small children in tow.

We did start a family a year after marriage. But I was nearing 34 and we had been together over 10 years.

You will know when the time is better for you.

You honestly can have "enough".

I think the trick is to psychologically accept what you can and can't do, and accept the fact that a. there will be compromise and b. you may have days when you think you are crap - but that doesn't mean you are or that your decisions are - it is normal.

Lastly : emotions get a really bad press in the history of Western thought . They are coded as female, along with sentiment. Rationality - coded masculine- is seen as good.

But here's a thought: emotions selve us, and have a strong mnemonic function. Without emotion, there is no cognition, rationality, or self to be rational, and to make decisions for.

So, maybe go with your emotions a bit on this one. do something impulsive and trust your rational self to organise you into and around it.

Lastly, Fate is one of the Goddesses presiding over human lives. There is only so much planning and organising you can do. Sometimes it's a matter of tactics.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Personally I'd go for it! I'm 30 and touch wood 4 weeks pregnant with the man of my dreams :) we started TTC 7 months ago and the stress was unbelievable! I think will all assume it'll happen straight away. On the TTC threads there's people that have been trying for years.

There isn't really a right time. I signed up for further professional training and will now be sitting exams 7/8 months pregnant

Another thing to consider is how many children you'd like, obviously the more you want the earlier you should start.

In the unlikely event of your husband or yourself becoming ill in your 30's what are your thoughts then?
Another thing to consider. You could outsource housework type stuff on your levels of income.

Realistically and biologically speaking, it would be your best bet to start trying in the next couple of years. It can take a couple of years to conceive and it is a reality that a woman's fertility declines after 35. Nothing wrong with waiting later, but you are lessening your chances.

Also remember that your body may have a different agenda to you. I am absolutely not trying to scaremonger but your schedule may not work out the way you anticipate. I came off contraception and expectantly planned my life thinking I would be preggers in six months. It took 2 years!

Conversely if you aren't ready yet then don't rush. You do have time. And you aren't being unreasonable to have these concerns.

As my mum said there is never a good time to have children. There will always be something else that could be seen as a barrier. If it is something you know you want to do well no time like the present!! You will adapt and it will all be worth it. Good luck :)

Would your dh consider being a sahd?

finola we started talking along those lines and then realised that, with all the places we'd like to go to, we'd be in our fifties! We're lucky to have visited quite a few incredibly places together so at least wouldn't miss out totally.

fifi - congratulations! Hope all goes well :) and good luck with the exams!

This is the balance - career vs the risk of us leaving it too late, I know there are some people out there for whom it takes years and would hate to consciously decide to wait and then be in that position wondering what if.

I'm probably currently in the position of wanting to have my cake and eat it and we need to really think about which is best for us.

Cailin I think he would, so we've got flexibility there. However, I'm more of a rarity in my career so although a break would put me back, I could probably get back into it albeit where I left off. DH works in a very oversubscribed field where it's hard enough to get other jobs as it is, let alone after a break.

Also, not sure I'd let him!

I was in a career that sounds similar to yours. I got married at 29 and got pregnant when I was 30. It was probably slightly early in terms of my career, but I was scared of leaving it too late in case we had problems TTC. Fortunately I got pregnant quickly and went on to have 3 babies in 4 years. To my surprise, I loved being a SAHM (had expected to go back to work - and had only planned to have 2 DC!).

My youngest will start school next Sept and I'm now starting to think about how to resuscitate my career. I'm happy with how things turned out for us, even though it isn't what I would have predicted.

We were waiting for the Right Time. I also work in a field that is very male-dominated above a certain level (ie once you're managing anyone at all or doing any independent work).

In the end it was a death in the family that inspired us to say "fuck it, life's too short to wait around for things to be perfect" and I came off the Pill.

It did largely kill my career. I am only now in a position to move onwards and upwards again because I'm in a very small company and therefore able to create my own role and path.

It's so hard to judge these things before the baby actuakly arrives. Some women can't wait to go back to work others can't even contemplate it. Babies do change your life, there's no getting away from it. I think if you're delaying having children do it for yourself (ie to travel or relax more) rather than for your career. Careers are great but they can and do end. I don't think it's wise to sacrifice too much for them.
You seem very broody!

Full time. I'm in a highly qualified but low paid job so part time isn't an option. If I had a better salary and my job was more amenable to PT arrangements Id do that for sure. That's the dream IMO!
I loved my job before kids and have been thrown at how kids have thrown me off -which is to say right now if happily be a SAHM. But ultimately I like my job and want to get into it properly when the kids are a bit older