to not know when the 'right time' is?

[coulddowithsomewisdom]

Hi - NC for this and not sure if AIBU is the right place but lots of traffic (plus couldn't find anywhere else that seemed sensible!)

DH and I have been married for just over a year. We have a house and are reasonably financially secure. Recently we've broached the subject of when when to start a family. It's something we've both talked about before in a general sense and we both want children. I suppose for me the hurdle is that it's one thing to talk about 'yes, I'd like children' and then another to say 'yes let's start trying'.

My main hesitation is to do with my career. I work in a very demanding but ultimately very fulfilling profession. It's something that's taken me years of training and experience to achieve and I'm now well respected by my colleagues and beginning to get a presence in the wider industry. My job is at a similar level to, say, solicitors, doctors etc.

The problem I have is that I know that, as and when we have kids, I will want to scale back my career. There is no way that I would be able to work at my current intensity with the frequent late nights and constant emails/calls. I know some people manage but my choice would be to rein things in a little. Unfortunately, my profession is incredibly male dominated, as in less than 10% women. I therefore have no examples of people who have been able to combine the two.

I feel like my career is on the up at the moment but, thinking sensibly, I know I've already achieved a lot and at any point in time there will always be an exciting project around the corner so I could wait forever. Equally, I know that the longer I leave it, the more difficult it maybe.

So many people say that there is never a 'right time' and I know it's not clear cut. What I suppose would be great is if anyone is willing to share their own experience or offer some words of wisdom...?

"I'd"

You are 29 so unless you are desperate for children,you shouldn't run into problems if you wait another 2 years or so and establish your career.
Think about how many children you want though.I was 36 having my first and had my 3rd at 39,no MCs,conceived easily each time and I have enjoyed them so muchI'd actually like a 4th but at 40,not willing to risk it.
I had a fulfilling and demanding career pre-DCs but it will now be impossible to return to it at that level,and neither would I want to as it means less time with them when they are all little.
The more established and senior you are at work,the easier it is to go back after mat leave so my advice if you are happy at work and still young is to wait a couple of years.
But there is no right answer.
My personal situation was influenced by not meeting the right man until about 33,then living together & waiting for final commitment!Ideally I would have started having my DCs earlier.

How much would it matter to you both if you didn't have children?

That is proportionally how much you should be trying.

You're absolutely right to think the 'having it all' concept is rubbish. IMO it's an outdated saying which means nothing.
No one can 'have it all'

However... It is entirely possible, and indeed the aspiration of many of us, to have a healthy and fulfilling balance in life, whereby you don't feel you have to give up totally on the career you've worked hard to build, or your home life. I wouldn't be thinking in terms of a 'right time', but I would be thinking about how you and your DH can combine work lives with family, even if it means a temporary move away from the demands of your current role. There may well be other roles in your sphere where you could temporarily downscale a little?

You might be interested in this other thread in which women are discussing how pregnancy/having children have affected their careers.

The consensus so far is that it's going part-time that screws you over professionally, rather than the children themselves.

Well I found having children forced me to have a better career,

Because I needed to earn more, and because it forced me to create a business, so that I could suit myself.

Working for myself means I can create a balance, I can include in job descriptions in the workplace, roles that allow me time away from work,

I work long hours, but I can manipulate when they are,

It's a slog, but well worth taking your skills and building a business around them, that way you are in control of your career.

My job is one where you can become CHartered to demonstrate professional competence and I got this a couple of years ago which would certainly stand me in good stead to get back into the profession. If I ended up wanting to change my work arrangements (e.g PT, work from home) and my employer wasn;t amenable to this then the Chartership means it would be easier for me to find contract work.

It's useful to see that the PT thing seems to have held people back. Thinking about it, I think there are very few part time roles out there in my field and it's more about people with FT jobs going PT so could be tricky if ever I wanted to move companies but stay PT.

Hmmm...food for thought! THank you all for your replies, I think the things you've said are going to help me articulate to my DH where my reservations lie.