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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel really weird about DP's gay friend fancying him....

31 replies

lola88 · 01/11/2013 21:18

... because he flirts with him when i'm there and it's just really weird like just because your a man doesn't make it ok for you to fawn over my partner infront of me. He's told DP he's his dream man and if he ever leaves me there will always be a space in his bed for DP

DP see's it as no harm because DP is straight but it's just the same to me as some woman was doing it. For me it's a disrespect thing he came in tonight as asked me to move seat so he could sit next to DP as he's missed him we are in our house with just the 3 of us with the tv on so not like it's a pub setting so they could chat. He's a hair dresser and I said I needed my hair done because it's boring atm which it never usually is and he said it's because i'm a mum i'm boring [hmmm] and maybe thats just who I am now.

I think DP secretly likes the attention.

AIBU?

OP posts:
drawsofdrawers · 01/11/2013 21:25

YANBU. What would you do if he was a woman? You'd tell him to get to fuck. Do the same.

What a rude wanker!

RevelsRoulette · 01/11/2013 21:25

No. I think you're right. He probably does enjoy the attention.

AllThatGlistens · 01/11/2013 21:27

Err.. I'd be having a very strong word!

Gay or no, respect works the same way regardless. I'd be furious.

FrankieStien · 01/11/2013 21:28

YANBU. I hope you told him to fuck off when he called you boring!

Andro · 01/11/2013 21:30

That is seriously disrespectful; it doesn't matter if it's a gay man or a straight woman, you don't flirt with a married man in front of his wife (you shouldn't flirt at all but that's another issue).

OlympicSleepingChampion · 01/11/2013 21:30

As hard as it may be you need to stop reacting to it on an emotional level. Yes, your DP could do/say more but it appears he's not going to probably because he's a wimp and just doesn't know what to say.

You need to be a bit more assertive I think as in "in your dreams Bob, it's never going to happen and you know it" and "surely you can talk to him better facing him than next to him, sorry this is where I sit. Shift"

And. Do not let him touch your hair. Ever!

TooOldForGlitter · 01/11/2013 21:30

YANBU.

Gay, straight, whatever, he sounds like a disrespectful wanker. Tell him to STFU.

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2013 21:32

YANBU

If your DH won't have a little chat with him about respect, why don't you?

AllThatGlistens · 01/11/2013 21:32

Then I think her DH needs to be told straight too, there's no excuse whatsoever for the level of contempt and disrespect being shown to his wife.

Why should he not have to deal with it?

Original poster
lola88 · 01/11/2013 21:45

The friend usually brings his 'sort of kind of' boyfriend so it's not usually so blatant but today it's out of the park.

I didn't move and told him DP certainly didn't think i was boring which DP agreed and gave him a friendly kick I think the friend is enjoying trying to wind me up so i'll be damned if he's going to get a rise out of me but DP will be getting told as soon as I get a chance.

He's very camp and makes it all very overly joky if you can imagine what I mean so it doesn't sound as bad as it is written down like the boring thing was like sympathetic like I couldn't accept that I'm a mum and things have changed. DP is such a big grunt that unless it's flashing infront of him he can't see it (and he's loves to be loved)

OP posts:
AllThatGlistens · 01/11/2013 21:53

Ahh so he's bitchy too? The sympathetic comments about your change in lifestyle whilst all the while ripping your confidence, charming Hmm

You don't have to react emotionally, if possible, I'd remain perfectly calm, but call him on it every single time.

"What you are saying is completely disrespectful to me, don't speak to me like that."

"If you respect my husband, then you need to respect the relationship that he has with me, his wife. Otherwise you will no longer be welcome in our home."

I have a gay relative, and whilst he and his partner can be incredibly camp and outrageously funny they aren't disrespectful or rude and would never dream of behaving in that way to a couple, regardless of their gender or sexual preferences.

Being camp is no excuse for his behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/11/2013 21:58

I had this with ex-H. I told the bloke that he wasn't welcome in my house if he did it (he used to try to kiss him as well). He told me I was homophobic. I told him that the only possible reason I was homophobic was that I was treating him differently than a woman trying that with DH, i.e. a smack in the mouth.

Now he is still friends with ex-H and I never see either of them. Result.

Lilacroses · 01/11/2013 22:15

Wow!! YA so NBU. What an objectionable man. I would be livid!

GreenVelvet · 01/11/2013 22:28

I sort of laughed at the because 'you're boring' thing myself! But its hard to get the picture exactly, because it all sounds so camp and ridiculous! Maybe there are other reasons it grates. Maybe you just don't like the friend?

Original poster
lola88 · 01/11/2013 23:06

No I don't like him but that's because of his behavior toward me

OP posts:
GreenVelvet · 02/11/2013 11:41

I thought more about it, and thought maybe I was a bit too quick to find the campness slightly amusing. It could equally be unpleasant and disrespectful to you. Anyway, if you do feel its weird - you don't have to justify it ... I think you need to feel comfortable in your own home.

harticus · 02/11/2013 11:47

It just sounds like some silly campery to me that's all.

And if he is anything like some of my mates, the more it rattles cages the more he'll do it.

Tell him to stop being such a dickhead.

mrsjay · 02/11/2013 11:48

your dh probably laps up the attention and the friend is probably loving winding you up, flirting is flirting and your dh should respect your feelings although there is no chance of an affair or anything like that it is still not right is it,

phantomnamechanger · 02/11/2013 11:48

YANBU, at the end of the day he is a guest in your home and is being very disrespectful.

And no one of any gender or orientation should flirt with a married person LET ALONE IN FRONT OF THEIR SPOUSE.

I would not welcome him in the house and would not be happy with the friendship continuing - not because I do not trust my DH, but because it's just not NICE. Personally I think my DH would run a mile if a gay friend came on to him like that!

mrsjay · 02/11/2013 11:50

and just because he is campy and jokey doesn't mean the friend isn't being horrible to you , if this was a woman your husband would run a mile the friend maybe thinks because he is overly camp he can get away with being passive aggresive 9sp) towards you

qazxc · 02/11/2013 11:53

Even if he is trying to be funny, it's annoying you so it needs to stop.
Can you have a word with him and see if it stops him? If not he is being a twat and you can tell him to F off.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/11/2013 15:50

Flirting is flirting and I wouldn't like it either.

Echocave · 02/11/2013 16:47

Agree with everyone else. It's bloody rude behaviour, doesn't matter if the friend is straight, gay, bi or whatever. He sounds bitchy too. Tell him to stop being rude or to get to Feck. Your husband's reaction is irrelevant.

Vegehamwidge · 02/11/2013 16:56

He is being disrespectful towards you. He might do it in a joking way but he IS flirting with a married man in front of his wife.

fieldfare · 02/11/2013 17:00

He needs putting in his place and your dh needs to stop seeking his attention.