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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not her place to say we're not ready to be parents

45 replies

32flavours · 01/11/2013 19:26

My partner and I are hoping to adopt a child and as part of the process we have to get references from several friends and family. Initially my dp's sister agreed to be a referee but has now changed her mind and said she can't do it. Her only explanation for this is that she doesn't think we're ready to be parents. We have been together for 6 years,lived together for five and are financially stable. I understand that she isn't obligated to be a referee, and we would much rather have people who were fully on board with adoption rather than someone who had doubts. It's just really annoyed me that she thinks it's her place to say that we're not ready for children. Added to this is the fact that in suspect the real reason behind her refusal is that we are a same sex couple. My dp's family don't really take our relationship seriously, and I know they'd rather my she was straight. I guess we both thought her sister was the one person in her family that supported us and I feel really let down for my dp.

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 01/11/2013 19:29

I think she's entitled to withdraw it if that's what she really thinks, and she must think strongly of it

It's not her place to tell you you aren't, but it's her place to refuse on the basis she doesn't think you are.

I would ask her to expand on why, it'd really bug me!

Do you think it's defo because you're both of the same sex? If so she's being a gobshite.

drawsofdrawers · 01/11/2013 19:31

What an arsehole OP.

Find someone else and then go for it. Adopting is a wonderful thing to do. Smile

Jengnr · 01/11/2013 19:33

Do you think she would have said that if you hadn't asked her to do something she doesn't want to? If you asked her her reason for refusing and she gave it it's not her fault. Had it come out of the blue then she's rude and out of line.

If she's got a problem with your relationship because of your sex she is totally unreasonable but that isn't what you asked.

PansOnFire · 01/11/2013 19:34

YADNBU - she sounds like a judgy twat. Who does she think she is!?

I don't want to get into the whole agreement/disagreement over same sex couples adopting because it's an outdated and narrow minded debate but it certainly sounds like she has some views on it. I'd be inclined to cut her out of my life; if she can't respect your DP's life choices then she shouldn't get to be part of any of it. What a cow.

I wish you the best of luck with the adoption.

Original poster
32flavours · 01/11/2013 19:34

I agree, it's her choice to refuse to be a referee and that's not what I have a problem with. It's the fact that she said we're not ready to be parents that has annoyed me. I'm pretty sure it's the fact we're two women, and I'm not the type of person to look for homophobia if it isn't there. Our relationship has never been given the same consideration as other heterosexual relationships in the family.

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 01/11/2013 19:35

I'd defo just come out with it and ask her for her feelings on the matter, she at least owes you that

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 01/11/2013 19:36

Id respond with a "well, look forward to watching us prove you wrong" you smug bigotted bitch

QueenMedb · 01/11/2013 19:37

How upsetting, 32flavours. Adoption seems to bring out weird surges of homophobia in people who otherwise seem reasonable human beings. Looking on the bright side, it's better than her keeping her opinion under wraps until it caused problems during the adoption process. Though I can imagine the hurt caused, plus anger at the arrogance of someone pronouncing on your suitability to be parents.

Best of luck with it all!

QueenMedb · 01/11/2013 19:38

And what Mortified said.

Original poster
32flavours · 01/11/2013 19:56

Mortified I would love to say that to her, however I think it's best I keep my mouth shut for now! We didn't ask her to tell us why she didn't want to do it, she kindly volunteered her opinion. Luckily our friends and my family couldn't be more supportive, but I know it isn't the same as my dp having her own families support.

OP posts:
bebopanddoowop · 01/11/2013 19:57

YANBU, that is a really hurtful thing to say. Had you conceived 'naturally' someone wouldn't say that - and that might be a less considered / thought out thing to do.

Fine if she didn't want to be a referee but there are plenty of other ways she could behaved.

It sounds like you really don't want this to come between you I really would ask her the reasoning because it may well be something else entirely like she thinks you should be married/CPed first (if you're not) or just that she wouldn't feel ready so is projecting that on you or something.

I really hope you can sort things out with her, and best of luck with the adoption and your other references!

Sleepyhoglet · 01/11/2013 20:07

Better she says it now and withdraws than is used as a reference and makes her opinion know then. Good luck. I hope you are successful. A loving home will help a child out enormously regardless of whether you are same sex or not.

Rosesarebeautiful · 01/11/2013 20:13

It may or may not be to do with your being a same sex couple.

Years ago my MIL was very rude about us having another child, and she was also rude about her daughter & husband at that time even thinking about having children.

If you can bring yourself to do it - you should maybe ask her what she means. She may have something sensible to say, or she may not

It sounds like you'll know each other for a long time. So you may as well clarify what she thinks of you.
FWIW, my mother in law is very glad of all our children now. They're her only grandchildren, her daughter never had any.
My MIL now regrets her DD never having children

I feel vindicated. In the long run you may too.

purpleloosestrife · 01/11/2013 20:44

How awful.

I foster children and I know from our own application process that
sometimes your nearest and dearest don't approve of what you do. It's not nice to find that they aren't supporting you, but what can you do? The best way is to prove them wrong, and hope they come around ( my MIL did, eventually)

I'm sure you will be fantastic parents, and you know you are ready, even if your family can't see that - no-one who wasn't serious would go through an adoption process - I know how gruelling it is - so hang in there, there are a lot of foster babies and foster children who need good people!

bubalou · 01/11/2013 20:57

I agree with her withdrawing if that's her choice but it's absolutely shit what she said.

I hope that now you can both decide how much you want that type of 'family' in your lives, especially if you are going to be adopting.

Good luck. Wink

Jux · 01/11/2013 21:53

What a shitty thing to say.

Hope the adoption proceeds well, and you become parents very soon. Best of luck.

Jolleigh · 01/11/2013 22:18

Best of luck OP on the adoption front...it really id a fantastic thing to do.

The woman sounds like a twunt. But unfortunately it's her right to say no to this for whatever reasons she sees fit. And whatever reason it is, she must be quite passionate about it and feel it with absolute conviction as there's no soft way of saying no to that kind of request. It was always going to upset you and your DP.

With the info to hand, I'm reluctant to point the homophobe finger. I'd suggest you and your DP having a talk with her somewhere neutral to really get to the bottom of this.

You never know, doing that may even make her realise what fantastic parents you'll make.

notanyanymore · 01/11/2013 22:21

i honestly (and kindly) think you should accept it and move on. hopefully you have others who will support you, i don't think it is worth asking her to expand on her decision.

Annunziata · 01/11/2013 22:22

When you asked her for a reference, you asked her for her opinion, so yabu.

pinkdelight · 01/11/2013 22:24

Well it is harsh, but if you asked her to be a reference then you've made it her place to say whether she thinks you're ready or not. So while her views are hurtful, you asked for them. Maybe she isn't sure you're a rock solid couple and doesn't want to be responsible. Doesn't make her right but she's not the right person to be your referee, so put it down to bad judgement on both your parts. Good luck with the adoption.

LynetteScavo · 01/11/2013 22:29

If it's her opinion you're not ready, it's her opinion, and yes, it is her place to say so if you asked her to be a referee.

This is the perfect time for her to state her opinion. Several months after the adoption would be the wrong time for her to state this opinion.

Mia4 · 01/11/2013 22:54

It isn't her place to say you aren't ready for kids but it is her place to refuse to referee on any basis. Its shit and a shame if it's because you are a same sex couple but are you sure that is that the reason? Have you asked? I have to wonder because she did agree in the first place knowing you were a same sex couple, so why would that be the reason she changes her mind? Is she usually like that?

Canthisonebeused · 01/11/2013 23:05

I think it is her place if you have asked her to specifically back you on this. It would be hypocritical for her to it if she feels this and I think dishonest if she made an excuse. I think if this causes you upset you need to be very prepared for the adoption process and the scrutiny involved.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 01/11/2013 23:17

Op if you are not sure if you are capable potential parents ask someone you know well and knows you and very knowledgable about parenting, then you can happily forget what she has said whatever the reason behind it. It will probably cause bad feeling in the family to take this further with her.

Belchica · 01/11/2013 23:22

YANBU. She can politely refuse to provide a reference of course, (she should have been honoured to have been asked, and I'm sure you have a long queue of willing referees) but I don't think it's her place to tell you you're not ready. Does she have kids? Doesn't she know that no one is ever ready???

Good luck and when she wants to come and visit your wonderful new DC tell her "sorry, we don't feel you're ready to be an aunt".

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