Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think it's not her place to say we're not ready to be parents

45 replies

32flavours · 01/11/2013 19:26

My partner and I are hoping to adopt a child and as part of the process we have to get references from several friends and family. Initially my dp's sister agreed to be a referee but has now changed her mind and said she can't do it. Her only explanation for this is that she doesn't think we're ready to be parents. We have been together for 6 years,lived together for five and are financially stable. I understand that she isn't obligated to be a referee, and we would much rather have people who were fully on board with adoption rather than someone who had doubts. It's just really annoyed me that she thinks it's her place to say that we're not ready for children. Added to this is the fact that in suspect the real reason behind her refusal is that we are a same sex couple. My dp's family don't really take our relationship seriously, and I know they'd rather my she was straight. I guess we both thought her sister was the one person in her family that supported us and I feel really let down for my dp.

OP posts:

Original poster

32flavours · 01/11/2013 23:23

Thanks for the responses. You're right, we did invite her to give her opinion when we asked her to be a referee. I guess it's just a shock to find out she's not supportive of us doing this. I can't make any sense of her reasoning, our relationship is strong and I'm at the perfect point in my career to take a break. Maybe I'm wrong in saying it's related to our sexuality, but I really don't think I am. It's hard to explain but I've always got the impression that our relationship is inferior in my dp's family's eyes. My dp is going to speak to her and find out why she feels this way. Thanks for all the encouraging messages, we will definitely prove her wrong.

OP posts:

Mia4 · 01/11/2013 23:25

Let us know how it pans out OP, I really hope it's not for that reason and it's something else- like she thinks you aren't financially ready yet or something. You'll prove her wrong OP, good luck.

DeWe · 02/11/2013 00:06

Good luck for going for adoption.

However I wouldn't go and ask her. I don't think it will help anyone. I wouldn't want her being the referee if she has doubts, as she may express them, even if not outright, they may be able to pick up tone from what she writes. What do you do if she then says she will? Will you be happy to let her do it? Because I wouldn't. If she's expressed that doubt to you, it would be much easier to express it on a reference.

For what it's worth, I know of some people for whom I would love to write that sort of reference, would love to help them that way. There's a couple of people for whom I would feel very awkward if I was asked because I would not be sure. That's not saying they would be bad parents, but more that I wouldn't be sure enough to feel comfortable giving them a reference. Does that make sense?

Original poster

32flavours · 02/11/2013 12:38

DeWe we definitely don't want her to be a referee now, even if she changed her mind. I'm sure her doubts would be obvious to the sw even if she didn't voice them. We have 3 other people (my sister and 2 friends) who are thrilled that we've asked them to be part of the process and I'm sure will provide fantastic references. We have a great support network, and we intend to prove our dp's family wrong. We're just trying to focus on the people around us who are supportive and see how much we have to offer a child.

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang · 02/11/2013 12:46

It is a shame for you both (especially your DP) not to have support from her side of the family :(

If I were you I would want to know what she meant by that - mostly because I hate the 'unknown' but also because there is a smidgen of a possibility it isn't about your sexuality and the very smallest chance there is something you can address that will boost your chances of being successful. I know it's a long shot and she's probably just being 'weird' because of your sexuality, but I wouldn't want to leave any stone unturned.

Is there anything - no matter how small - that you can think of that might have made her change her mind? A comment either of you made about being a parent? A small arguement (with your DP)? Living arrangements? Anything at all??

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang · 02/11/2013 12:47

Any chance she thinks you are too young?

Leviticus · 02/11/2013 12:50

You don't know why she said that - you are speculating. Ask her.

FWIW I'd be reluctant to give my BIL and his P a reference (not that they are asking) for adoption based on the fact that I find her controlling and manipulative, suspect their relationship won't last and would fear for BIL getting access in the case of an acrimonious split. I'm not sure what reason I'd give them but it probably wouldn't be that!

I'm just trying to say it could be anything but you really need to talk to her.

FamiliesShareGerms · 02/11/2013 12:59

I think you / DP absolutely do need to talk about this. If she has any misgivings about adoption, it's better to talk about them now while the conversation is about a hypothetical child rather than wait until you actually have a son or daughter.

Most of our families were incredibly supportive when DH and I said that we were trying to adopt, but one or two weren't. In most cases we were able to reassure them and their opposition went away (eg one was very worried about ongoing contact with birth parents). Although it's really none of their business, adopting is different to having a birth child in that your wider family and support structures do come under scrutiny - and you will really need people around you who are completely behind your decision.

I don't think there is any benefit in hoping that this will just resolve itself on its own.

Original poster

32flavours · 02/11/2013 13:00

There's nothing I can think of that made her change her mind. We don't see her very often at the moment because she has a new boyfriend. I think maybe she didn't want to do it at all but felt like she couldn't say no at first. We didn't put any pressure on her to say yes though, at least I hope she didn't feel we did. I don't think our living arrangements have anything to do with it. We live in a nice city centre apartment but are moving next month as we want more outside space for our child and to be near to parks etc.
It could be our age, I'm 28 and my dp is 23. She's a few years older but her lifestyle is more like a twenty-something. I think perhaps she thinks because she isn't ready for children then her little sister can't be either. However we're very settled in our relationship and have been discussing starting a family for the last couple of years. This isn't a decision we came to lightly, and we've purposely waited until we could provide for a child both financially and emotionally.

OP posts:

SantanaLopez · 02/11/2013 13:04

I think YABU. It would have been worse for her to give no explanation for changing her mind (even although 'not ready' is a bit shite, tbh).

Plus 23 is very young.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang · 02/11/2013 13:06

Hmm - well, you probably aren't going to like this, but if someone who was 23 asked me to do it, I'd most likely say 'No' as well. Your DP has been with you since she was only 17 and she is only 23 now... it seems far too young to me. Sorry :(

sashh · 02/11/2013 13:13

It's just really annoyed me that she thinks it's her place to say that we're not ready for children

But you asked to write a reference. If she honestly can't write that, whatever her reasons, then she can't.

Sometimes it is harder to say no rather than go along with the flow.

bigbrick · 02/11/2013 13:16

At least you know where you stand with her.

FamiliesShareGerms · 02/11/2013 13:20

23 is very young to be considering having a child, especially one who is likely to be challenging to parent.

But that's for the SW to decide, not DP's sister.

ReindeerBollocks · 02/11/2013 13:21

I know a same sex couple who were on a similar situation at a similar age. One family was not supportive at all - things did change once they had a child and the family soon realised that they had to get over themselves of they wanted a relationship with the couple and their child.

I think as long as the assessment is going smoothly to leave the issue well alone. It won't help if DP's sis admits it's due to your relationship - it will only make matters more tough, and going through the adoption process is difficult enough in the first place.

ReindeerBollocks · 02/11/2013 13:21

They were in a similar situation - not on one.

SantanaLopez · 02/11/2013 13:24

But that's for the SW to decide, not DP's sister.

She was asked to provide a reference to support the sister, making it her business.

ShadeofViolet · 02/11/2013 13:31

If your DP's family are not supportive, do you think she has has pressure on her to change her mind?

BillyBanter · 02/11/2013 13:46

Who knows what her thought processes are. She may or may not give you an honest answer. It's probably not about you but about her own (or other family member's as someone just said) thoughts and feelings about same sex couples adopting. Maybe she thinks it's unfair on the child for instance.

The only thing that I would perhaps consider is that sometimes people outside of our relationships can see problems within our relationship that we might be blind to. Think of times on here where people have been frustrated because they can see that one partner is controlling or whatever, but the friend or family member can't, so they would not consider it a good relationship to bring a child into. So maybe you and your partner could just try to step back from your relationship and ask if it is possible that it's not as solid as you think. If you can honestly say that it is a strong relationship then fine.

Again, I think it is probably more to do with her or your dp's family, but adopting a child is a massive thing to do. It's not unknown for couples to have kids thinking it will cement a failing relationship, so there is no harm in doing a healthcheck regardless. I expect some of that comes in the adoption process anyway, maybe...

MrsBW · 02/11/2013 13:48

Regardless of your ages and whether your DP's Sis is willing to act as a reference, the SW will explore in detail whether you both have family support and if not, what you will do to ensure the child's needs are always prioritised.

Have you thought through, including the measures you are both prepared to go to in order to ensure this is always the case?

Good luck

Flip

1 2