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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10yr old.. not applying herself wwyd

38 replies

spidersolitare · 01/11/2013 17:57

my 10 yr old was seated next to a very disruptive pupil at the beginning of last term. Now my dd isnt perfect by any means, nor a trouble causer, but she IS a sheep and is easily lead.

I shared my concerns with her teacher, who was new to the school.

so every week I've asked my dd if she has any homework and every week she told me the teacher hasn't set any. One of her classmates was here over the half term and was complaining about all the homework. Apparently there has been homework every night!

I'm furious with my dd! Not just for not doing it but for lying to me too.
Luckily i managed to get into school over the holidays and got all her books. she has been forging her reading record! saying that she has read a page every day ( when we read together we read a chapter at a time) plus she has singed one from her dad.

I don't think that she would have come up with this on her own, i think that she has been lead by this other child. But at the end of the day, she chose to lie to me for six weeks about homework and that is absolutely her fault.

I made her do exta english excerisies, this afternoon, and she only got 13 out of 30 despite knowing that she could do it... i think this is a bit of a protest! But how do i make her apply herself? we have already said that if she gets 100% on her extra lessons we will give her £5

So wwyd?

OP posts:
MrsCakesPremonition · 01/11/2013 18:02

I think you need to punish her for lying to you and then allow the teacher to punish her for failing to do the homework.

Don't reward her by giving her money when she does her catch up lessons. She should be doing the work to start with, not doing it late and then getting paid for it.

Personally, I would be working with the teacher to understand what you DD's learning targets are for the next half term and then give her a reward if she has met the targets.

Original poster
spidersolitare · 01/11/2013 18:03

good idea!

OP posts:
thehorridestmumintheworld · 01/11/2013 18:13

Rather than just punishing her I would try to talk to her about why lying is wrong. I would keep things pretty low key and say to her, in the scheme of things this is not a big deal and the only one who got hurt is you when you got caught and when you did not learn all you should have, but what happens when we start to tell lies all the time? What happens when you lose that trust between you and your parents? I wouldn't try to make her feel awful but to see the reason for being honest and the value of it.

Original poster
spidersolitare · 01/11/2013 18:28

Yes since we have found out I've pointed out that I can't trust her if she lies.

She is have asked her who she was mucking about with when she was supposed to be reading and she said no one. I told her I don't believe her. She doesn't stop seem bothered though.

OP posts:
thehorridestmumintheworld · 01/11/2013 18:32

Maybe she sees your point but doesn't like to admit she was wrong, also might not want to get her friend in trouble. But she might still improve her behaviour in future.
Getting her to want to apply herself is harder. Do you think she is struggling with any subjects? Is she good at reading and maths at home?

Original poster
spidersolitare · 01/11/2013 18:51

She is very shy and won't talk to the teachers. Last year she was put down in maths because she wouldn't speak to the teacher, so we bought the curriculum on dvd in English and maths, and it's these extra lessons she gets the £5 for completing.

OP posts:
Original poster
spidersolitare · 01/11/2013 18:52

She is fab at home.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 01/11/2013 18:55

Get an appointment to see her teacher and explain what has been going on. Could you ask the teacher to email you the homework? That way dd won't be getting out of anything.

I was all set to say lighten up from your title tbh but there's lying involved and that is not on.

Get her to knuckle down. Don't bribe her to do what she should already have been doing. And make her earn your trust back.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 01/11/2013 18:59

That's funny my dd is also very shy and goes quiet with teachers but she does speak to them when she gets to know them. Is your dd in yr 5 or yr 6? Are her teachers helpful at all? My dds teachers have been helpful luckily.

MrsCakesPremonition · 01/11/2013 19:03

BTW, whereabouts in the class does she sit? If she is shy about speaking to the teacher, I'm wondering if you should get her hearing and sight checked. Perhaps she is missing the homework because she either can't hear what is said clearly or maybe can't read it from the board?

KissesBreakingWave · 01/11/2013 19:08

Yeah, no rewards for the catch ups. But small ones for maintaining schedule and worthwhile ones for getting ahead.

Lure and reward. It's how you train anything from flatworms on up.

Original poster
spidersolitare · 02/11/2013 00:19

She sits at the front, usually next to the badly behaved kids to show them how to behave, but it seems they are rubbing off on her.

I will be going to see her teacher on monday

OP posts:
sashh · 02/11/2013 03:27

I think you have a very bright but bored child.

I have to say that at 10 years old getting away with not doing homework at home, and keeping up with the class (she must be, otherwise the teacher would notice) is quite impressive.

Don't get me wrong, she has lied and forged a signature, these should be punished.

Agree with talking to the teacher re her targets. But if she is reaching them without homework then maybe she needs something else to do, a subject outside school for her to learn and do homework on.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 02/11/2013 03:52

Why are you blaming the other children.

She is fab at home. no she is not, at home away from the pressures of school she is lying and signing your name behind your back.

LindyHemming · 02/11/2013 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gunznroses · 02/11/2013 07:03

What I find most annoying about your OP is this "I don't think she would have come up with this on her own, i think she has been lead by this other child."

Your own dd is not capable of coming up with this age old, tried and tested lie, No No No! Its got to be the other child's fault! what is your evidence do you for this?

Smoorikins · 02/11/2013 07:43

Whether or not other children's behaviour has been a factor, you'd daughter has chosen to do this herself. It is her choice and hers alone, and should be treated as such. Otherwise she will think that blaming others is always an appropriate get out clause, and that will lead to bigger problems.

Dors her reading record come home with her? Why aren't you checking to see what she should be doing? In primary, my kids had a book home with all the homework detailed, so parents had a check. Is there anything like that?

Sparklymommy · 02/11/2013 07:53

I have to say that my own ten year old dd has a homework diary which comes home with her. I have to sign it weekly to say that dd has done everything listed in it.

If I were you I would not have left it to half term to find this out. I would have spoken to the teacher probably the second week dd had said she had no homework, as homework is something I like to see my children doing.

I agree that you really can't put all the blame on another child. Your dd has done this. Whether she was lead, or thought it up herself, is irrelevant.

Dayshiftdoris · 02/11/2013 10:42

Bad behaviour is contagious now?

Like chicken pox?

This isn't a bit of peer high jinx or distraction that your DD has been sucked into - this is well thought out and executed avoidance of school work.

YABU to blame another child for your daughters behaviour - you need to tackle your own child's behaviour.

missuswife · 02/11/2013 15:29

I was exactly the same at her age. Extremely shy, and didn't do any of my homework, and lied to my parents about it. They decided I must be very bright and therefore bored, and got alternative work for me to do. I was bright, but that wasn't why I was skipping my school work. I just did t want to do it. I was an avoidant procrastinator, and just came home and zoned out.

What does your daughter do after school if she isn't doing homework? She might need more structure. Do you sit with her and make sure she does it? You might need to help her develop good study skills.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 02/11/2013 15:43

I think the main problem here is that she is not enjoying school probably because she is shy or might be something else related to that. This is then leading to the other bad behaviours, she wouldn't be so keen to mess about or avoid her homework if she was enjoying the lessons. I'm. Not saying she doesn't need more structure and supervision but overall she needs to want to do the schoolwork and get some enjoyment out of it.

greenfolder · 02/11/2013 16:21

I would ignore any suggestion of other children being responsible. I have learnt the hard way the following
Only reward effort not attainment
Listen to reasons not excuses
Accept that children learn judgement through experience
Forgive them quickly and move on

Your kid has missed out on hAlf a term of homework,this is not going to hurt them. Frankly if it is so easy to fool the teacher it really wasn't that important. The reading she has clearly been doing at home, you mention chapters being read.

Be glad she is learning these lessons now rather than in year 7

mrsjay · 02/11/2013 16:33

why are you blaming other children for your dds bad behaviour yes she might be easily led but she is the one not doing the homework she is the one lying following other children at school is one thing but doing it at home is another your dd is lying to you not the other kids sort HER out go to the teacher about HER behaviour she needs to be made responsible for this,

mrsjay · 02/11/2013 16:34

oh an by throwing money her way you are teaching her to only work for material reward dont do it,

Oblomov · 02/11/2013 17:00

I too think you are deluded.
Ds1(9.9) , yr 5, lied about having no homework, in week 3 and 4. And cheated by re-correcting his maths work.
I blamed no one but him. I talked to his teacher. We sorted it.

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