To ask DP to look after the DC for a week and us swallow any childcare costs?

[Heltaskelter]

Dsis, diagnosed with long term mental illness but relatively stable and living independently and alone, needs abdominal keyhole surgery in a few weeks time, a larger incision may be necessary and the outcome may not be great, poss cancer.

I want to make myself available to go stay with her for at least a few days when she comes out of hospital, and believe this will be the best option for both her mental and physical health (she could possibly stay with another relative, but that may not be so great for MH).

DP is self-employed builder working on a couple of quite big projects which he is fairly key on. He generally works long hours and weekends if needed, and doesn't really have to think about childcare as I do it all as I work part time in school hours (he does help and is hands on when he's here).

We have 2 DC, one at school and one in nursery, AIBU to ask DP to cope alone if I organised extra childcare for before and after school and a couple of extra days nursery a week if needed? We don't exactly have heaps of money, and it would be a stretch to find it, but we would manage somehow, and I don't think this is the sort of thing you can put a price on is it? We all get unexpected bills from time to time don't we?

I should add, DP didn't respond favourably when I hinted at it - he would be worried about needing to work late/flexibly, but it would be a few days minimum and probably a week max. He also has never had to be responsible for school run, housework, homework etc, so I appreciate it will be extra pressure for him, but AIBU?

This sounds like one of the sacrifices that you make for family. You're NOT being unreasonable.

No you aren't. You sound like a wonderful sister and it would be an invaluable support to your DSis.

Would it be possible for her to come and live with you for a bit when she gets out of hospital? Your DH might be happier with sleeping on the couch while she recuperates in your bed if the alternative is him running the household. I would think that you will be stressed at your sister's situation, then more stress will be added worrying what is happening at home with DH/DC. Maybe staying with you for a bit, with not just you there but the DC to comfort her? Would that be possible?

Thank you all

WhereYouLeftIt, I'm not sure it will work so well with her coming here tbh, it would possibly be easier for DP yes, however I would find it more stressful as it's impossible to tell how her mental health will be due to medication etc, and from experience this can be challenging to manage around the DC. I think I would feel very divided and would like DP to shoulder some of the responsibility of childcare.

I think it would also do him good to have the experience

I would think any adult could manage for a few days especially as you have organised childcare as well. It doesnt matter in the scheme of things that the house might be less clean or the kids have chicken nuggets every night the point is your sister needs you for a few days and your DP just has to step up.

YANBU - I had to go away recently for work, so while DD was still in nursery during the daytime, DH did all the mornings, evenings, bedtimes etc. He did struggle at the beginning, but the difference it has made to him as a dad has been a REVELATION! He is so much more confident and hands on with her. I would say it will be challenging, but you will hopefully both benefit in ways you can't predict now. Hope your sister gets on ok too

Ahh you sound lovley. Yes, I think you should do it. Your dsis needs you and just think how much dh will appreciate you when you get back.

Thank you and yes, feeling a bit guilty, but I really do think it would be good for all of us really, Dsis gets pampered which rarely happens since I had DC, and DP & I will experience something different which will hopefully make us both appreciate each other a bit more too.

Just need to work out a strategy to get DP on board....

Spoke to DP briefly and told him that I want to go (he is out this evening). Apparently I can't just "desert my family". What an arse.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

Lazy arse. He is exaggerating so he doesn't have to think about it. He knows perfectly well it is not desertion, and your sister is family too.

Invite his mother to stay and do it all while you are away .

Could someone come and stay? That's what I do when I go away for work, get one of the grandparents to stay with dh. Or could you take the toddler with you? Just so it's not all or nothing. I know he should be able to cope but I can see why he wouldn't love the idea. And it's not a man/woman thing as dh is better at sole charge than I am.

Ooh now that's an idea!

x post, but yes same idea really.

Tell him to fuck right off and be useful to his family. part of having children is, god forbid, looking after them. hes being a lazy twat, tell him so. don't get grandparents down to do his job for him.

Don't ask, tell him that's what's happening. If you ask it means he can say no (DP takes great delight in doing that just to annoy me!)

Your DP and kids will be fine for a week without you, and I think it's wonderful that you want to be there for your sister.

If it's any consolation, DP somehow manages to wriggle out of childcare whenever I go anywhere overnight. I'm pretty sure he does it so that he can go to the pub.

Errr - don't ask, tell? If DH informed me one day that he was going somewhere else for a week and I would have to manage both boys plus working full time (7.30 starts / 6.30 finishes) there would be Issues. Childcare doesn't cover the hours I need it, there are no family members around to help and I am the sole breadwinner - if I can't work the mortgage doesn't get paid.

DH would tell me of the problem - that DSis needed care for a week - and we would discuss it as a team, taking into consideration practicalities and concerns from both sides, to come up with a solution that allowed me to work, DSis to be cared for and children to be looked after. In our case I expect DSis would come and stay with us but I appreciate in OPs case that isn't possible.

On a hundred and one other threads, people get told that once they are married/living with their DP and have children, that is the family priority for the DP and he should put his immediate family's needs above his extended. Now someone wants to put their extended family's needs above their immediate and their DP is wrong for objecting?

I agree with your DP. Your immediate family is your priority. If his project doesn't enable him to be flexible with working hours and he can't take a few days leave then you can't just go and drop it all in his lap.

Solutions we would look at : taking leave, children going with DP, someone coming to stay, employing temporary live in home help, DSis coming to us.

Can't you take your younger child with you to stay with your sister? I think DH should be able to cope with both children, by the way, just having 1 child with you might be nicer for everyone.

I agree with HicDraconis.

Tell him that it's important to you to be there for your sister, then discuss a solution that will work for both of you. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I don't think he necessarily is, either.

You need to be there for your sister for a few days. End of. What would he do if it was you had to be in hospital? Its not just your responsibility to come up with childcare solutions for your family in times of need.

and we would discuss it as a team, taking into consideration practicalities and concerns from both sides, to come up with a solution that allowed me to work, DSis to be cared for and children to be looked after.

You are absolutely right but the OPs DH isn't doing this though is he? It appears that he is not willing to discuss how to make this happen.

Has OPs DH been given the chance to discuss the problem? From reading the thread it looks like OP has considered some options and picked the one she likes without a chance for him to have any input.

Hello thank you for further thoughts, and Hic, I do see where you are coming from. It has been difficult to find a time to discuss, but DP has kind of met me with a flat "no" without showing a willingness to consider anything, but I am prepared to accept he is busy and feeling pressured right now. Whereas I've had the opportunity to think things through a bit more and consult the wise people of Mumsnet.

I will try again later with the suggestions made here, to see if any of his family can help at all. If his mum can't come here, she may be able to have our youngest (I could take en route and wouldn't be too far to be on hand if needed) leaving DP with our eldest, which might be easier.

I guess you need to catch him on his own at some point and start on the premise that you being away for a few days is a given and let's discuss options, here are a few ideas, what do you think of them and do you have any of your own or what is your preference.

Tell him you are not deserting your family - you are going to look after one of them, whilst with the help of nursery/school/wrap around care he looks after his children. Stop pussy footing around him and tell him that it's happening and he needs to sort himself out. You do not need to pass the care onto other and you do not need to take the toddler with you. He needs to accept he is a parent as well and needs to step up to the plate instead of leaving it up to you unless it suits him. Grrrr.

When my dsis was recovering from a mastectomy I booked a week off work to help nurse her.

Dh works night shifts & managed to stay up in the morning to put the dc on bus, go home & nap & be at the school for them at pick up time.

That's what families do IMO.

Explain to your dh what it means to you to be able to help her out.