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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nasty work colleague - do I confront her?

28 replies

Petal02 · 01/11/2013 14:07

I work with three other women. Two of them are lovely, the third (let’s call her Wendy) is an evil, manipulative, back stabbing bitch.

This morning I got a phone call from a colleague in another department (let’s call her Lisa). I get on really well with Lisa, we’ve been friends for quite a while. Anyway, Lisa told me that Wendy had visited her office yesterday, purely to allege that I’d been making negative comments about her work. Lisa thought this was very strange, smelt a rat, and realised Wendy was just trying to cause trouble. And I’m grateful she tipped me off.

So ……. I’m so angry that I’m shaking as I type this. If I confront Wendy it won’t get me anywhere, she’ll just deny it, and also I’m not very good at confrontation. And Wendy will also be aware that Lisa’s told me this.

So I can’t bring myself to speak to Wendy. I’m sure it’s insecurity that drives her to try and damage other people’s friendships/working relationships, but that doesn’t make it right.

On the positive side, Lisa’s just been back over to my office (I think she realised I was a bit rattled) and has been laughing and joking with me, in front of Wendy – so Wendy has been left in no doubt that mine and Lisa’s friendship is intact. So Wendy knows she’s failed, even without me opening my mouth.

Do I confront her, make myself look stupid and fail to achieve anything, or do I let the facts (ie me and Lisa are still fine) speak for themselves? Sometimes non-verbal statements are the most powerful ………

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 01/11/2013 14:08

I'm not sure I'd confront. But I think I'd keep a record of times and incidents and encourage anyone else with this problem to do the same.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 01/11/2013 14:10

rise above it, don't play into her hands and keep smiling. she will see that her tactics have not worked and will either give up or up the ante so keep cool and be prepared.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 01/11/2013 14:13

yes good idea youthecat to keep a quiet record, one day she will do something so bad it cannot be ignored and going to a manager with this behind you will show how long it has been going on and how well you have dealt with it up to the time of addressing it IE ignoring her tactics. I guess she will get bored and move on to someone else if you do not react.

saulaboutme · 01/11/2013 14:13

Job done, leave it. She's a waste of time.

Lisa has done a good thing so don't let Wendy get in the way of your happiness at work. Some people are empty and sad.

fromparistoberlin · 01/11/2013 14:15

rise above it, remeber its only work

irritate her by being 1000% work focessed and never discuss anything other than work

and keep an inciodent log

Quoteunquote · 01/11/2013 14:16

well played Lisa,

Keep a careful diary of events, ask advice from your senior on how to handle animosity and hostility,

Make sure your work is always up to scratch, and don't do anything that could get you labelled as the bad guy,

She will dig her own hole, so don't react.

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2013 14:19

It all sounds very playground and Lisa appears to be a shit stirrer.

Just ignore.

DifferenceEngine · 01/11/2013 14:21

Keep records, and if you think she might stoop that low, screendump or password protect important docs on the shared drive.

I say that because I knew someone who suffered a similar wendy who stooped to altering spreadsheets to make her look incompetent. Alas, the system logged alterations and she had saved screendumps to prove that she had done the work correctly.

Wendy landed herself in a shitstorm of trouble.

KittensoftPuppydog · 01/11/2013 14:21

Don't react. She'll love it.

claig · 01/11/2013 14:31

Don't bother mentioning it to her because she will only deny it.

dovaffanculo · 01/11/2013 14:31

Well you know 2 things now.

That Wendy will try anything to make you look bad and
That you have a very good friend in Lisa who is watching your back.

Record as much as you can remember of your conversation with Lisa - what exactly Wendy said you had done/not done etc .
Keep this in a physical notebook at home rather than on your work PC so that you can access it at any time.

Add anything at all untoward that Wendy does or says about you. Do not confront her about any of it. Keep your dealings with Wendy as brief and work focussed as you can. Do not socialise with her at all.

I know what I have written sounds like overkill but if you ignore Wendy you may well find yourself in the middle of a disciplinary situation with no way of proving that she isnt all sweetness and light. There have been a couple of previous threads over the years about similar situations that have escalated and the 'victim' had to try to gather information when not allowed to use their work PC for example. I know its the worst case scenario but for some it has been very real.

Mollydoggerson · 01/11/2013 14:36

Let the facts speak for themselves. Wendy will be full of seething envy and rage now, best to let her stew in that cesspit for a while. If you say anything it will be twisted, you already know she is deceitful and manipulate.

Just give her plenty of rope and she will do all the damage herself.

GrumpyRedhead · 01/11/2013 14:37

I've been in this position. Better to take notes than be caught out. I ended up summarily dismissed with a partner who could not work after an op and three kids to feed, was horrendous.

fromparistoberlin · 01/11/2013 14:41

I do think that when work friendships get like this , its time to tone em down. I refer to you and Lisa

keep your friendship outside of work, and dont flaunt what bessie mates you are in front of this woman

its unprofessional.

I think to avoid this situation escalating keep it professional and rise above it, bit I do think flaunting friendships is a tad childish

if akll you all ever do is keep it work related, there will be fuel for her fire

coffeeinbed · 01/11/2013 14:43

never confront someone on work over personal stuff.
Ever.

Original poster

Petal02 · 01/11/2013 15:14

Lisa and I are friendly and have a good working relationship, but it's not a "full on" friendship or anything, and certainly not anything that would aggravate a 'normal' person. It's just that Wendy seems to want to taint anything positive, she hates if I'm praised, or if anyone appears to like me. God knows what's wrong in her life ......

OP posts:

LondonNicki · 02/11/2013 19:36

I've worked with a person like this....they are manipulative and you're not going to win by confronting her as she is willing to play games and do things that are beyond your boundaries. You've done the right thing. Try to keep it professional and distant with her, never confide in her or go beyond a superficial working relationship.... She's most likely got some kind of personality disorder so don't get pulled down to her murky depts !!

GreenVelvet · 02/11/2013 21:13

If she is "evil" as you say, and has concocted a story to undermine you at work - I would tread carefully, as she may in fact be a psychopath (no conscience, lies easily, enjoys manipulating people). I wouldn't worry about her being "insecure" or "unhappy" - people like that thrive when pitted against sympathetic or empathic people, as they can manipulate them even more, and play the pity card. They enjoy psychological battles.

Confronting them rarely works, and in fact may energise them against you (I speak from experience). I did it at work and it was a do-or-die kind of thing, very traumatic, and had an impact on me for years afterwards. I "won" but it was at a major cost. Hopefully your situation is less dramatic, but keep your wits about you.

However, there are things you can do ... Keep your distance. Be wary. Make sure you are not manipulated or isolated. Keep records. And so on ...

Salmotrutta · 02/11/2013 21:18

Is this really an office?

Are you sure it isn't a school playground?

Because you all sound like 14 year olds.

MunchMunch · 02/11/2013 21:30

Ignore her completely but keep a record of any incidents.

If she is anything like my sil she thrives on any kind of drama and misery she can cause, do NOT give her the satisfaction. Me and my family (including dm &df) have had nothing but trouble from her since she came into my db's life 7 years ago, her own family are just like her and they all hate each other and cause any kind of trouble for each other as they can. Weirdos!

gemmal88 · 03/11/2013 00:04

I would keep a note of dates times etc in case you ever need to pull it out at any point for disciplinary or grievance proceedures but don't react, just act normally.

Remember it's a workplace not a school playground, your boss will not give a shit about he said she said squabbles - I know I don't when it happens in my team!

wowfudge · 03/11/2013 17:01

You know the saying 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'? Be as nice as pie to Wendy and maybe even involve her if you can - could be as simple as asking her would she like you to pick up lunch for her as you are going out at lunchtime or would she like to come with you. Basically, rise above it and don't let her see she's getting to you. If you stop talking to her, you'll just create an atmosphere which other people will pick up on and it could end up reflecting badly on you. The other posters who have advised you to document what has happened are quite right. Wendy may just be very insecure and find it difficult socially to get on with people.

maddy68 · 03/11/2013 17:56

Inform your line manager and keep a diary of events.

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 03/11/2013 18:38

Just leave it and ignore her for goodness sake. It sounds like a playground spat! You really need to rise above it or you will look just as childish as she clearly is!

HarryStottle · 03/11/2013 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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