I've hit the end of my teether and need to be told either I'm being a bitch or I'm justified in feeling hurt/angry. I've NC too btw...
I've been with my OH the better part of a decade now, we've always had a troublesome sex life and I'm at my wits end. In short, my partner is indifferent at best towards sex, they seemingly go through with it to please me (which is not what I want, I want them to 'want' to have it with me). We've spoken at great length over the years about the issues my partner has, they are confidence based. My partner maintains they were born without the 'sex' gene and the whole thing makes them feel awkward and they'd rather run a mile from it. I've been very supportive over the years, I haven't pushed my desires on them, or forced them into doing anything they wouldn't want to. I've been completely at the mercy of their sexual appetite and sometimes we can go 12 or so months without before I pluck up the courage to approach the subject again with them. When we first met they seemed to want me all the time, now I look back and think it was a bit of an act really to hook me in.
The problem is the constant rejection from them is making me feel worthless and unattractive. Yet when I bring this up with them they tell me that I'm crowding them and it makes them feel even less inclined to have sex. So as a result I back off, be the caring doting partner, and generally go all out to make them feel special and there's no pressure. My partner takes this as a green light to put even less effort in and becomes even more detached, the whole time my self worth is plummeting. When I tell them I don't feel attractive to them, they tell me they give me compliments all the time (you look nice in that etc) and I counter by saying I need more than that, words are easy to say (and tbh they're delivered with a completly automatic delivery, ie meaningless). In the rare occasions it does happen, It's entirely predictable and very unsatisfying. My partner will do things they think I want in bed (whether physical or mental) but I know it's just an act, so it's meaningless again.
I have asked my partner to consider counselling, they're very much against it and refuse us to pay for such things. I've wondered if they're A-sexual and asked them (and stating it's fine if they are, it would explain things) and they're 100% adamant they're not A-sexual. They want kids at some point in the future (IVF??...who knows). So for the better part of a decade I've been very sensitive to their needs, been supportive beyond what any of my peers have stated they'd give their partners. I kinda blew my top this week at my partner saying I've had enough of being an effective 'best friend' to them and I'm worn out with the constant rejection and feeling of worthlessness. Of course my partner has reacted badly to this and immediately started saying this is pressuring them and I'm being really unsupportive.....erm hello I've just spent the better part of a decade holding their hand through everything, yet I'm not allowed myself to be unhappy with it.
I suppose AIBU to not give out endless support without expecting some allowance of my own frustrations to permitted to be aired and taken onboard? Away from the sex issue we're a normal run of the mill couple, there for each other in every other way and very tight with each other, this is just one large cesspit of misery that's not allowed to be discussed it seems.
Anyone else been here before?? Any advice what to do/not to do? I can't face another decade of feeling worthless, yet I feel awful about even considering to leave them over it. I don't think I'd leave (there's more to life than sex) but I'm just dying inside here.