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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

child maintenance

27 replies

ihatesonic · 01/11/2013 11:36

I am posting this here rather than lone parents to get a range of replies.

My ex sees one of our 3 children fairly regularly. We have a private agreement whereby although it was worked out reducing for his stepkids, no reduction would be made for overnights on the basis that i still needed to pay for everything. This was made 3 years ago and the amount has not change but I know his salary has (yes he told me!).

He has now decided that as he took DD on holiday and she is staying for a week at Xmas, plus the various weekends, for December he is reducing the maintenance for all three by one third until March to 'recoup his costs'.

My agrument is that I still have to clothe/feed/provide a home etc and
will still be expected to do so on less money. His argument is that he paid for her to have a holiday, trips out and xmas presents, plus food etc and therefore shouldn't have to pay more.

To avoid any drip feeding - it was/is his choice not to see the other DC - one is disabled and the other always argued with him. I buy all DD clothes, to the extent I got a shopping list from him for the holiday. He is not short of cash as is a high earner. This is the first time he has done this.

So AIBU to think about changing this to a CSA agreement? Although he earns more now, I don't know how much and I could end up with less. Is his argument reasonable? He has told me if I do this, he will get every deduction he can including travel costs.

OP posts:

farrowandbawl · 01/11/2013 11:38

Why are you compromising with someone who clearly favours 1 child over the other 2?

NotYoMomma · 01/11/2013 11:40

the argument that he buys Christmas presents and days out is pathetic! as of you dont do that anyway out of your own money!

he is an arsehole.

I would say:

we have an agreement for x amount a month, this is to cover half her living costs re roof over her head, food, uniforms, clothes, toiletries, school equoptment and essentials, bus passes and transport. it is not for extras such as bonus days out and Christmas, which we BOTH provide anyway. if you can not stick to our previous amicable relationship re this amount then I shall be forced to go through the csa

NotYoMomma · 01/11/2013 11:41

does he still pay for all 3?

Meglet · 01/11/2013 11:41

Go to the CSA. They won't let him chop and change. I've not had a problem with the CSA since I started 3yrs ago.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/11/2013 11:42

if he is a high earner (over 102k) go to a solicitor as the payments work out differently

it is always better to get something done officially so you both know where you stand. in a perfect world we all agree to be adult about it but it very rarely works out that way and obviously not in your case

livinginwonderland · 01/11/2013 11:46

Go to CSA and get an official payment coming out of his wages. It'll get taken out of his paycheque before he recieves any money and it's worked out based on his salary and other children he has to support.

Why is he only seeing one child? Is there a query over paternity with the other two or are they his step-kids?

balia · 01/11/2013 11:49

Do you know how much his salary increased to? You could use the CSA calculator to get an idea of a figure and see if it would be less.

TBH, though, I'd go to the CSA anyway even if it was less just so I had one less thing to communicate with him about. At least you'd know what you were getting.

The man is clearly a despicable shit.

KirjavaTheCorpse · 01/11/2013 11:50

The money he pays you is to help provide for your children's basic needs. Those needs don't change because he's taken your daughter on holiday ffs.

Make it official, he's taking the piss.

The fact he sees one child out of three because it suits him is fucking disgusting.

Original poster

ihatesonic · 01/11/2013 11:52

I don't really have any choice but to compromise with his wish to only see DD. She wants to see him, he is only interested in seeing her. It breaks my heart and is one of the many reasons we split.

He is an utter arsehole! (another reason). The other two did not get a holiday (I couldn't afford it) or many days out and if I knew I would have to pay for DD, it would not have happened!

FreudianSlipper - I am not totally sure, he is certainly around that but without proof, how can I do that?

Yes he pays for all three because he was instructed to do so by the judge at the financial hearing.

Y'see my other point was this - if it was through CSA (as the deductions for stepkids were worked out) it would not be a third anyway as it 15%, then 20% then 25% so surely it should only be a 5% decduction at most?

I guess the biggest problem I have is lack of willingness to argue about it. We spent a long time in court at his insistance to do everything 'right' and it put me into debt.

OP posts:

VodkaJelly · 01/11/2013 11:53

Go to the CSA, he cant mess around with you maintenance then.

My ex used to do this to me. He once decided to have DC2 overnight (very very rare occurance) and bought him a cheap z bed from Argos, then deducted the cost out of my maintenance. CSA soon put a stop to that.

DamnBamboo · 01/11/2013 11:55

He is clearly a shitebag like no other.
I must say, I don't get what you're saying re overnights.
Are you saying even though he has her overnight, it's not reflected in his payment to you (i.e. his payment would generally be a bit smaller).

Original poster

ihatesonic · 01/11/2013 11:56

no question re paternity. He found DC2 difficult as she is autistic and DC3 is very protective and constantly called him on ignoring her. SO he decided 'it wasn't worth the heartache - maybe when she DC3 has grown up a little, she'll understand'. Yes direct quote.

I often wonder how he sleeps at night.

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 01/11/2013 11:59

he chooses not to see his disabled child because he/she is disabled?!

Wow. I don't like to judge the character of people I don't know but seriously? What a shit!

Original poster

ihatesonic · 01/11/2013 11:59

yes DamnBamboo - that was the agreement he made as it's not that often and in return, I didn't argue over the deduction for the stepkids. They are 50/50 with their Dad claiming the CB.

OP posts:

farrowandbawl · 01/11/2013 11:59

You do have a choice.

If it breaks your heart can you imagine what it's doing to your kids who see their sister prance off in the sunset with him and knowing that they will get to hear every detail of what he's done with her, bought her yada yada yada? Everytime you and DD argue it will be thrown in your face, everytime DD and her siblings argue it will be thrown back in their faces. DD get's to see their dad at CHRISTMAS and they dont? Why the fucking hell are you putting them through that?

I thought my ex was a shit for moving across the planet without letting anyone know but at least he talks to both kids on a regular basis..What your ex is doing and you letting him do it will be causing all kinds of emotional and self confidence and self worth damage to the other two kids.

The money means fuck all at the moment - this is a huge thing you need to deal with and quickly.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/11/2013 12:02

if you do have a bit of spare money i would go go through a solicitor, he will be instructed to do the same and they will tell you both what is expected from him and what the guidelines are. if not go directly to the csa

he will not want to go through the csa as they are more intrusive but a gentle threat hopefully will get you the money you should be getting

i feel for you, it is a horrible situation you are in and who really wants to fight let others do it for you

whatever please do not let him manipulate you, make out you are the bad guy and making things difficult. remember he chooses to be a crap father he has made that choice

paperlantern · 01/11/2013 12:02

OK I'm going to go against the grain her and say you need to work this out for yourself as none of us know your ex as well as you.

I appreciate some people don't have a problem with the CSA, but frankly there are numerous ways of a shithead avoiding paying. I have been involved with the CSA for 5 years and have had too many problems for them to mention. I know they collect a tincy proportion of what he is earning now but there is nothing I can do about it.

If this is just him throwing his toys out the pram this one month, it may well be worth your while letting it go rather than going to the CSA. If he is testing it out as a sign of things to come then yes you definitely should.

DamnBamboo · 01/11/2013 12:02

I am deeply confused.
Whose stepkids... his?
What have his stepkids got to do with his responsibilities to his own? I didn't think stepkids were reflected in NRP payments to support their own children?
Either way, I think you should stick by the rules appropriately and not jus pick the bits that work, as it causes no end off problems... which clearly it is doing here.
How often does he have your DD?
Does he pay for all 3?

DamnBamboo · 01/11/2013 12:03

I also agree with farrowandbawl

attheendoftheday · 01/11/2013 12:04

I have no useful advice, but just wanted to stop by to say what an utter utter shit he sounds.

I'd go through CSA. Even if it reduces your amount, you'll be able to rely on getting it, rather than wondering each month if he'll pay and needing to stat on his good side.

Viviennemary · 01/11/2013 12:04

On the face of it this does sound unreasonable of him. But it depends on whether he is paying a reasonable amount to begin with. If you think the CSA will give more it is worth trying. If he is a high earner then he has no excuse whatsoever for this mean behaviour.

Original poster

ihatesonic · 01/11/2013 12:15

farrow - I know, and it bothers me but I don't really know what to do for the best. DD had some self harm issues and I was then advised by her counsellor that it was in her best interests to see him. But I take on board what you say. If only there was a manual for all this!

Damn - yes he is remarried with two stepkids which reduced his maintenance by 20%. However, from what I understand, through the CSA he can only claim residency if noone else claims CB. But they do, their bio dad who they live with 50% of the time.

Thank you all for your responses. I think I will ponder and then make a plan.

And manic - yes he was/is embarrassed by her behaviour, one of the OTHER myriad of reasons for our split. It doesn't reflect well with his standing (apparently!).

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 01/11/2013 12:17

He unreasonable he is being depends on how much he pays in the first place. If its a generous amount I don't think it's unreasonable that he wants to keep a little back to pay for his dd's things. Will you still be able to afford to pay the rent and council tax this month if he reduces the money? I have had to point out to my ex that I still need to pay these things to accommodate the dc whether they are sleeping here or not, and thankfully he understood that.

I don't mind when my ex gives me a little less when he takes our dc on holiday, because I'd rather he had the money to spend having a nice time with the dc, and I can trust him to do that. Plus I don't need money to feed and entertain them when they aren't here. But you still have two of your children at home, so I don't see why he should get to reduce the amount he pays by more than a few pounds.

farrowandbawl · 01/11/2013 12:24

You do know what to do for the best.

He can't get away with this
DD can't grow up knowing that she can always get what she wants and that she's the favorite (and she will be)
the other kids need to know that they are not worthless

Go to a solicitor and get this sorted out properly. Sod the money.

Get him to pay for all 3 and SEE all 3. DD will just have to suck it up and share her dad like she should have always done. At the moment she is being treated like a little princess and the other 2 will hate her and you for it if it doesn't change.

I don't eveny you, you've got some tough work ahead of you but this needs to be done. For all of your sakes.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/11/2013 12:29

the issue around money he has to pay, you need him to pay you can take control of this issue on how you want it to go forward (does not mean he will necessarily comply)

how he chooses to parent is sadly out of your control. i am not sure there is a wrong or right way in your situation in what you can do. he knows what he is doing sadly you have to deal with the consequences of his decision it is a terrible situation you are in

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