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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that this was none of his business?

40 replies

NeverBetter · 31/10/2013 22:25

I've recently separated from my husband and we're trying to get into a routine of visitation.

He usually has the DC for tea on a Thursday so made plans to take them ToTing. However, he was asked to work so I said that was fine and I'd take them.

However, my DM's car windows were all smashed in the early hours of the morning in a case of mistaken car identity. They were up with the police until 5am giving statements. Also, my DSis is staying with DM this week and she usually lives 4 hours away. It is DN's birthday so we were also supposed to fit celebrating that as well as fitting in ToTing. But due to the events of last night, the plans all changed and nobody could be bothered.

H text me to ask for photos of the DC dressed up and I said that the plans had changed and we didn't go. But we are going to a Halloween party tomorrow and I would send photos of them dressed up for that.

He sent a message back saying that they really wanted to go ToTing tonight and they would be disappointed and implied that I had let them down. I said it was none of his business what I did with them when I had them and if he'd been bothered enough, he would have declined to work away tonight.

So who was BU? I'm prepared to hear it was me as we're still trying to find our way through the minefield of visitation.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverBetter · 31/10/2013 22:25

Sorry, that was unnecessarily long Blush.

OP posts:
samithesausage · 31/10/2013 22:32

Yanbu. Sounded like a family emergency, and trick or treating had to be put off. You can always do a late halloween, and instead of trick or treating the kids could win the sweets or find them round the house.

uhOhOhDear · 31/10/2013 22:36

Yanbu. sorry to hear about your mum's car. I would probably try to keep it brief and confrontational with him though just for eases sake (I'm a single mum too), it sounds like you may have been argumentative with him though I can't quite tell from your OP and perhaps he was too! Sorry not to be more help, hope you're ok though.

uhOhOhDear · 31/10/2013 22:37

Oops that should have said non confrontatitonal

ProphetOfDoom · 31/10/2013 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 31/10/2013 22:39

These things are so trivial but so complicated at the same time. I can understand both points of view tbh, but this isn't a battle that's worth fighting.

If the dc weren't disappointed not to go trick or treating, then you need to communicate that with your ex. He probably feels like he was letting them down because he had to work, but figured it would be ok because they were still getting to do the thing they wanted to do with their other parent.

Your reasons for not going are perfectly valid, but I think as far as possible, you need to stick to arrangements that you have made when you're trying to do this shared parenting thing. I've been doing it for ten years now, and it still takes constant effort, communication and a huge amount if picking your battles!

CailinDana · 31/10/2013 22:42

Don't get drawn into petty squabbles like this. You need to agree that while the children are with one parent what happens (barring accidents/concerns of abuse) is none of the other parents business. Communication should be restricted to necessary information abkut pick ups, food clothes etc. It might be worth having a chat about this if he's generally reasonable? The main thing is that the children don't become a source of conflict - even if you are tempted to be drawn into squabbles don't be- remain calm and remember you have every right to separate but you have an absolute duty to protect your children from fallout.

ProphetOfDoom · 31/10/2013 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NeverBetter · 31/10/2013 22:47

I wasn't confrontational initially, just told him in a matter of fact way that the plans had changed and we didn't go but would be going to a Halloween party tomorrow so they would be dressed up for that. His message in reply was to say that they really wanted to go and would be disappointed. I'm afraid I did react to that Blush. It just annoyed me because he chose to work.

Sorry for the little drip feed too but I am still a bit Hmm about the effort he is going to for the DC as he never bothered when we were together. I am obviously pleased for the DC though and hope it continues although I don't hold out much hope as I think his effort will wane when the novelty has worn off.

I just don't want him to feel he should comment on everything I do with the DC on my time. I have to bite my tongue when I see he is serving them hotdogs twice a week because it's not for me to tell him what to feed them on his time.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverBetter · 31/10/2013 22:50

I know now I shouldn't have reacted but I want to nip this attitude he has about dictating what I do with the DC on my time, in the bud.

He is confrontational and I'm still angry about the way he treated me in the relationship so have a very low threshold for his bullshit. I mostly manage not to get drawn into it when he goads me in front of the DC though.

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WooWooOwl · 31/10/2013 23:06

I don't think it's fair to say that what happens to the children when they are with one parent is none of the other parents business. I don't stop being a parent who is responsible for my children's welfare just because they are with their other parent, and not does their Dad.

As long as my children are still children, everything that concerns them is my business.

AlexaChelsea · 31/10/2013 23:09

Sorry... I have to ask. What the hell is ToTing?

And, whilst in the context of the situation I don't think YABU, I do agree that is it always his business and that's not a fair thing to say.

Original poster
NeverBetter · 31/10/2013 23:11

I see your point WooWoo. Where do we draw the line with that though? How do other separated parents manage the balance?

I don't necessarily agree with all his parenting choices but as long as they are not dangerous then I don't intervene but it is early days for us. Perhaps I should be more involved?

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AlexaChelsea · 31/10/2013 23:12

If my XH was meant to be taking DS to a regular thing, and didn't for some reason, I wouldn't expect him to tell me it was none of my business. Nor would I feel he was 'dictating' how I spend my time with DS by mentioning it.

I think one of the hardest things I realised was that 'my' time with DS isn't that at all. It's DS's life, and it must continue. But now some days he is with me, some with his dad. He's not split between us to satisfy our needs to spend time with him. We are his parents, and carers, he is not our possession.

I do agree that it was okay to miss this tetong thing though by the way Smile

Original poster
NeverBetter · 31/10/2013 23:14

Trick or treating Alexa. He'd have been non the wiser that we didn't go but I agreed to send him photos of them dressed up and obviously couldn't as we didn't go. We are going to a party tomorrow though so I said I would send the photos then.

He had a dig at me for them being at my DM's which has been a contentious issue. The DC adore my mum though and often ask to go there.

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Original poster
NeverBetter · 31/10/2013 23:17

The DC are quite young at the moment so no regular classes or anything yet. I guess I didn't mind that he asked if we had gone, I had no problem saying no, the plans had changed. What I resented was him having a dig and laying the guilt on.

I don't really view it 'his time' 'my time', just handy phrases to use to explain the situation.

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AlexaChelsea · 31/10/2013 23:18

Oh! I see. Sorry. We don't call it that here so I didn't put it together Blush

Ignore the digs. That's not fair.

DontForgetTheLightAlesLawrence · 31/10/2013 23:19

Ugh, he sounds like my ex.

YANBU.

Please, take my advice, do not internalise his attitude and allow it to affect your behaviour or parenting.

Should have taken my own advice years ago

needaholidaynow · 31/10/2013 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlexaChelsea · 31/10/2013 23:24

His children are his business.

Do not go down that route - if he is at all spiteful, he will do the same back to you. It's not worth it. Imagine him doing something with them that you had said no to, or wouldn't permit, and he uses the 'when they are with me zits none of your business' line.

do not get into this.

DontForgetTheLightAlesLawrence · 31/10/2013 23:28

I understand what you mean, Alexa. However, for something as trifling as whether the children went trick or treating, or not?

Controlling behaviour, and quite oppressive. In my (bitter) experience.

Original poster
NeverBetter · 31/10/2013 23:30

Good point Alexa. I'd like us to be able to have rational discussions about parenting the DC but it's very difficult at the moment.

I am dreading as already. His proposals were to have them one year each but if Xmas falls on his normal weekends to have them, that he would also have them for this Christmases too. I then asked him about NYE, and he said that we would treat those as normal days so basically I would get to go out only on NYE when it falls in his weekend which is fortnightly - I can't work how often that would be but he would get considerably more NYEs without the DC than me. Not sure why I'm bothered though. Our whole relationship he went out every year without fail on NYE.

Part of me thinks he is doing this to punish me for leaving. He is blaming me nothing to do with his affair then and still thinks we could get back together Hmm.

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Original poster
NeverBetter · 31/10/2013 23:32

Please ignore the stupid autocorrects in that Blush.

DontForget, yes, that's it exactly. I think he was trying to be controlling.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 31/10/2013 23:38

It's really hard NeverBetter, and in my experience, it stays that way, even though I have an excellent relationship with my ex.

There are a lot of things that you just have to put up with, I feel your pain on the hot dogs! If you can trust eachother to always put your children first, then you have done the hardest bit. And like I already said, there is a lot to be said for sticking to plans you have made, even ones that have come out of you both trying to be flexible as you were when he said he was working. It makes it easier for you both to know where you stand, and you as the resident parent has to be especially aware of that.

It must be hard for NRPs to feel like they have so little control over what happens to their own children, and because that's a hard feeling to deal with it might help in future for you to inform your ex of changes that you make to plans so that he doesn't find out through having to ask you about something else.

fuzzywuzzy · 31/10/2013 23:39

Your ex doesn't get to tell you how you spend your time with your children. Would he do exactly what you tell him to with the children during his time?

YWNBU, your initial reply was civil and your follow up to his little power trip was spot on. You're not putting them in danger you're not hiding things related to the children from him, he needs to grow up, or if he was so worried about the children going trick or treating he could have refused to work and taken them himself as planned.

Ignore him.

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