AIBU to think that this was none of his business?

[NeverBetter]

I've recently separated from my husband and we're trying to get into a routine of visitation.

He usually has the DC for tea on a Thursday so made plans to take them ToTing. However, he was asked to work so I said that was fine and I'd take them.

However, my DM's car windows were all smashed in the early hours of the morning in a case of mistaken car identity. They were up with the police until 5am giving statements. Also, my DSis is staying with DM this week and she usually lives 4 hours away. It is DN's birthday so we were also supposed to fit celebrating that as well as fitting in ToTing. But due to the events of last night, the plans all changed and nobody could be bothered.

H text me to ask for photos of the DC dressed up and I said that the plans had changed and we didn't go. But we are going to a Halloween party tomorrow and I would send photos of them dressed up for that.

He sent a message back saying that they really wanted to go ToTing tonight and they would be disappointed and implied that I had let them down. I said it was none of his business what I did with them when I had them and if he'd been bothered enough, he would have declined to work away tonight.

So who was BU? I'm prepared to hear it was me as we're still trying to find our way through the minefield of visitation.

But you could have taken them out trick or treating couldn't you?

Really wooowoo, OP should run everything by her ex?

IMO, minimum interaction is best, so long as the children are safe and happy it's not the end of the world if they missed out on trick or treating this year, as the father decided to work and there was a subsequent family crisis so if anyone's to blame its OP's ex for changing plans.

NeverBetter, yep, my ex justified his behaviour because he felt slighted by me. I'm pretty sure he had an affair, too. I then had the temerity to move on and he didn't like that, either.

I've allowed him to get away with verbal abuse and general shittiness towards me, because of my own 'stuff' - guilt (for what?). It gets wearing after ten years.

I really hope that you can find a way to negotiate the logistics of your separation, as amicably as possible.

Good luck!

Agree completely, fuzzy.

Owl, I think it would be a mistake for OP to feel that she has to explain the minutiae of her children's (trivial) activities, and set herself up to be controlled by her ex.

Rosh, no, she couldn't, as stated in the first post. And anyway, it's trick or treating, hardly an essential activity.

DontForget, I really hope he gets over it before 10 years is out . Not that I've got plans to meet anyone else for a very long time, but he's already warned me that I am not to meet anyone else . I would have to wait until he moves on first. Knowing his track record, I shouldn't have to wait too long .

Yes, I technically could have taken them trick or treating. But as everyone was tired and emotional after last night, we ended up doing something to celebrate DN's birthday much later than expected and we would have missed this and the cake had we gone trick or treating.

To be fair, H didn't know this but if he'd said 'oh what a shame. What changed?' I'd have happily explained. As it was he just wanted to use the opportunity to have a dig. Incidentally he said that he'd have driven home had he known I couldn't take them. Why he couldn't do that in the first place, I don't know. When we were together he would frequently accept work when he didn't have to. In hindsight it was probably a cover to be with the ow but in any event, I frequently had to cancel my plans.

I think that's the point though.
Look at it from the other way round. If he'd told you he was taking them and would send you photos, and then he said he didn't take them "because plans changed" you'd have been cross on behalf of the children - disappointed for them, if you like.
If, however, he'd said to you "Unfortunately we didn't get to go because last night my Mum's car was attacked and it really shook her up so we were up with her until the early hours", etc., then you would feel completely differently about the whole 'missing out' thing.
But, you didn't bother to tell him. A phrase like 'plans changed' suggests you couldn't be bothered, or you had a better offer.

Ironically, he told me to 'be careful' who I got involved with, and later slagged off the woman that he'd lived with after me, as she had been unkind to our child. Conveniently failing to mention this when he wanted our child to move in with them earlier - when she was allegedly being unkind.

Anyway, this is your thread, so I'll stfu about me now!

He possibly didn't ask "what's changed?" as your response could have threatened his opportunity to have a dig? and make him realise how petty and unreasonable he is Maybe.

Tread carefully. Don't let this set the precedent.

If they wanted to go I can't see why you couldn't take them.

He sounds truly dreadful DontForget . And a hypocrite to boot.

I take your point BackforGood. I deliberately didn't tell him the reason in my first text, I think partly because I don't want him to know too much about my life, partly because I don't think he would have cared. It was a chance for a dig I think. I did explain that we ran out of time due to celebrating DN's birthday and after he had a go at me, I said 'what's the problem? It's not like they were sat bored, they were having fun with their cousins'.

I don't know if they really wanted to go. They wanted to put their Halloween costumes on (they're young so this is the best bit for them) but it was either go trick or treating or celebrate their cousin's birthday. They live a four hour journey away so we don't get to see them much. I'm taking them to a Halloween party tomorrow though so I thought this would make up for it. H was well aware of all these facts notwithstanding the situation with DM's car which altered today's plans.

It really doesn't matter that they didn't get to go ToTing, really! You're letting them dress up and go to a party later - I'm sure that will more than compensate.

The ToTing is not the issue; your ex interfering is*

• interfering on such a non-issue. If you did not mention that you were taking them travelling round Europe for a year, I would see his point.

As an aside, I thought ToTing was a new restaurant chain or something similar... then the penny dropped! DOH!

You're right DontForget. It was interfering and that was what annoyed me.

This post is helping me to see things from his perspective a little better though. I know he is hurting over our separation. Part of the problem is that he will only ever see things from his on perspective and this contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. He was very happy with our situation, he couldn't see how unhappy I was and so even now he can't grasp why I left and blames me for breaking up the family.

I've given it some thought though and actually, if he'd changed his mind about taking them trick or treating, I wouldn't have cared. I'd have assumed he had something else fun planned for them. Also, I knew that I was also doing something for Halloween with them the next day and also H has planned to take them to a Halloween fun swim this weekend (his weekend) and I agreed at his request to come due to the rules about adult/child ratio. I'm doing this so the DC can have a nice time. I think the difference between me and him is that I've already detached and accepted the situation. He is still dragging his feet and can't let go. I try to be understanding to a point but I really dislike being controlled and manipulated by him. He should trust that I had worthwhile plans with the DC in the vent that I didn't take them trick or treating.

NB, you are being so reasonable about your ex. I hope he appreciates it.

What you said in your last post, that you trust his judgement with regard the children, whereas you do not feel that he afforded you the same respect, is perhaps the crux of the issue.

Of course you want to have things running smoothly for your children, but please trust your own judgement too. Don't let yourself be bullied into doubting that.

Owl, I think it would be a mistake for OP to feel that she has to explain the minutiae of her children's (trivial) activities, and set herself up to be controlled by her ex.

I wouldn't expect her to have to explain minutiae and be controlled, but it all depends on the sort of co parenting relationship they both want to have.

Personally, I wanted to build the sort of relationship with my ex that meant we properly shared parenting, despite not being in a relationship with each other. We created our children together and we want to bring them up together, after all, no one is going to love and care for our children quite as much as the two of us do. Being a parent isn't easy, and sometimes we need the support of the only other person in the world that cares about our dc as much as we do.

I don't consider myself to be controlled just because I'm considerate of my ex's feelings, nor do I think I'm controlling him because I expect the same courtesy in return.

Because we have both put in the effort, we have been able to share important events in our dcs lives, including sharing them with our new partners and my ex's younger child with his new partner.

I don't want my dc to have two separate lives in two separate families, they are people, not pets to be shared out between us. They have one big extended family, and we would never have been able to achieve that for them if we had had as little contact as possible.

I appreciate that not everyone will want to do things this way, I was just offering my experience to the OP based on what I have learned in the ten years since I began being in her situation.