To think a tenner towards a wedding present is a bit cheap?

[Kernowgal]

Background: friend from college is getting married; we aren't particularly close now but she is lovely. Am going to wedding with another mutual friend of ours. Mutual friend suggested we get a present together but has now said she only wants to spend a tenner. I think this is really shit. We are paying for a hotel but bride-to-be has got us a great deal on a room at the venue; we will also be helping with set-up on the day (I offered rather than being asked).

'Cheapskate' friend is about to start a new job earning quite a bit more than me, but she is crap with money and currently skint, hence the offer of a tenner. I am torn between saying "I think that's a poxy amount" to saying I will buy my own pressie. However I am not willing to put in more if the present is from both of us as I'd feel like I am paying for my cheapskate friend's half too.

AIBU? I would normally spend at least £20 on my own, which I know isn't much, but I earn chuff all.

If you want to spend more (and I would, tbh), just tell your friend that you've actually found something that you really want to buy for the bride and so will be getting your own present for her.

Oh no I'd get my own present if I were you!! Hate getting pulled in with people like that!

No just buy your own, other friend can pop tender in te card

If I say I've found something she will just say she'll split it with me.

I should add that she has been like this for as long as we've known each other. She knows I earn fuck all but no mention has been made of paying me for the hotel room even though she knows I have booked it. I don't expect to see the money for that before payday at end of Nov (yes I am a mug).

Just had a brainwave: get joint present with mate, then get my own little something for the bride-to-be.

Then grow a pair and be more assertive in the future

Just tell her you want to spend £20 and ask her if she wants to buy her own present or john you and spend £20. It's simple

Typo. Join you NOT john you

I'm not sure if this perspective will help, but I've been married for donkeys' years and can't remember anything that we were given, but I do remember who was there and who helped make the day special, so if all your friend can afford is a tenner spent on a pretty picture frame or whatever, then really not a problem.
It may be trite, but it is about the celebration of a future together not about the 'stuff'.

Just email/text her and say:

"Sorry, but I've changed my mind about buying a joint present, so I'll leave it up to you to sort out your own present. Oh and by the way, I've had to pay for the room already, so I'd appreciate it if you could give me your share ASAP. Thanks."

There's nothing wrong (well, maybe a bit wrong) in only spending £10 on a wedding present, but there's no reason for you to participate in her tightness.

Actually YABU.

Her finances are nothing to do with you. How do you know exactly where all of her money goes.

I get pissed off with this attitude among friends. I get accused of being 'tight' and 'cheap' all of the time because I don't want to constantly fritter away money here, there and everywhere like my friends do (I know different from your scenario but still). They all complain that they are skint, but still splash out on expensive activities that they claim to never have money for. I say I can't afford it and mean it but then I get told that I'm not skint, I'm saving, which is true but I am saving for a very good reason, and I can't work so capacity for saving is limited but I do the best I can and sacrifice nearly everything else.

I like your idea of you getting something else separate but its none of your business if she only wants to spend a tenner on a present and you are not being a great friend by referring to her as cheap.

kernowgal that's a great idea, OP I'd definitely do this.
Or just tell her out straight that you'd be mortified giving a tenner so best you do your own thing.
Each to their own but she sounds particularly mean in general!

Simply say you would rather do your own thank you.

Crap tats fine, but don't expect people to subsidise people like that!

Crapbag I appreciate your POV but this friend is one of those you describe as saying they are skint and then frittering money away (I am more like you and manage to save a bit). Financially she is willing to take but not so willing to give. God I sound harsh, but this is the way things have been throughout our friendship. She does have many redeeming qualities despite the picture I'm painting!

I have emailed her with a present idea that costs £15 each. I think this is an OK compromise. If she doesn't want to do it then I will say I will buy alone cos at the moment I'm the one doing all the legwork on present research (yep, I'm a mug). Ineed yeah that did occur to me but there seems to be so much debate on these boards about how wedding presents should the equivalent of your wedding meal and other mad stuff like that, so I have no idea what etiquette is!!

The bride-to-be is genuinely pleased to have us there, bless her. And she knows we're both poor so won't be expecting huge things.

I would just tell her you will do your own

Ah I know the type then. I get sooo fed up of this. They are currently planning some ridiculously priced Christmas activities (that I would love to take the kids to) that we just cannot afford. Fine as we just won't go but they are always saying how they have no money so I don't get it.

When I have no money, I literally mean I am down to the last few quid in my purse, not "I have no money, here kids lets go to McDonalds, have some sweets, lets all chip in for this, I've bought the kids this" type thing. They are not loaded either so I really don't get it.

Piglet I think there is a good chance it will come to that :)

CrapBag I totally agree with this : ...because I don't want to constantly fritter away money here, there and everywhere like my friends do .... They all complain that they are skint, but still splash out on expensive activities that they claim to never have money for...

so I agree with your point in general.

OP I think if you think £10 is less that you would want to spend, you really should just say to the other person that you wanted to spend a bit more. People aren't mind readers, and some people have a different view of what's the right amount and what's generous. DH have vastly different views on this which became embarrassingly clear during our first Christmas together years ago - I spent £50, he spent about £500!!!!!! I was mortified, but still thought he had gone way overboard, I only used to spend about £40 on my parents which to me seemed perfectly normal, considering I had a lot of relatives to buy for and was in my early twenties. Presents for distant friends, whose wedding you were already helping out at? Doesn't feel like vast amount of money needs to be spent to me... but then I am demonstrably a tightarse

*DH and I

Crapbag, your friends may well be up to their eyeballs in debt. I have a (lovely) friend who always seemed to have much more disposable income than me despite us being in very similar life situations. Turns out she was whacking it all on plastic and is now depely in debt for the foreseeable future.

Hah bigears you have hit the nail on the head - I am rubbish at being direct and do expect people to be mindreaders. I generally don't spend a lot of money on Christmasses and birthdays etc, mainly because I don't expect people to spend much if anything on me. I get a bit embarrassed by generous gifts (to me, anything over £20!).

The pressie I wanted to get is now (with delivery) going to cost well over £30 so I am going to abandon that idea and suggest we get our own gifts.

That's a good point persimmon I don't do debt unless I can pay it off at the end of the month. If I don't have the money, I go without or wait. Most things are non essential anyway.

when i got married i did a list for argos and knowing that some of the people coming didnt have a lot of money due to having to stay over as wedding was not in their home towns (family all over the country) i put ideas on the list from £3 upwards to around £30 as i thought it was more important for them to be there and not ooh look how much so and so has spent some people bought us vouchers, sisters and brother chipped in and bought joint present and the rather expensive food processor that look how much money i have BIL bought is now gathering dust in the cupboard so £10 or £20 is well enough money to spend on a wedding gift

Thanks issey, I appreciate that. I was worried that we would end up looking like cheapskates but really it doesn't matter - certainly if I was getting married I wouldn't expect any expensive gifts, it costs enough to attend weddings as it is, so any pressies are a nice bonus! Mind you I'd be happy with loads a few bottles of supermarket plonk.

Urgh, it's such a minefield.

Your totally right crap, tat is how things used to be done back in the day, and what my parents used to do. I only have one debit card and refuse loans. I think we live in an instant culture where people don't want towait and it's all now now now