To think a tenner towards a wedding present is a bit cheap?

[Kernowgal]

Background: friend from college is getting married; we aren't particularly close now but she is lovely. Am going to wedding with another mutual friend of ours. Mutual friend suggested we get a present together but has now said she only wants to spend a tenner. I think this is really shit. We are paying for a hotel but bride-to-be has got us a great deal on a room at the venue; we will also be helping with set-up on the day (I offered rather than being asked).

'Cheapskate' friend is about to start a new job earning quite a bit more than me, but she is crap with money and currently skint, hence the offer of a tenner. I am torn between saying "I think that's a poxy amount" to saying I will buy my own pressie. However I am not willing to put in more if the present is from both of us as I'd feel like I am paying for my cheapskate friend's half too.

AIBU? I would normally spend at least £20 on my own, which I know isn't much, but I earn chuff all.

I have a friend like that, always wants to go half and it's because she is a cheapskate. I have now learned to say that I already have something.

I think I wouldn't have minded if she'd said I can only put a tenner in but here are some ideas. As it is all I've had is the offer of a tenner but precisely no input as to what to get. We agreed to share a hotel room and then she did fuck all about finding one but made comments about how we should get a move on about finding one. Well pull your finger out and find one!

Anyway I have done some thinking today and I think I was BU about the tenner.

It actually sounds as if its less about the amount of money and the fact that she doesn't want any of the work of finding a present/organising a hotel room. In that case, YANBU to decline in future and let her sort herself out or ask her for suggestions if she says about doing something jointly.

piglet my bank told me the other day that I will qualify for a loan and overdraft because I am a low risk customer, as in bills always paid, never go overdrawn. So why would I want debt when I have never had any. It also seems to escape their notice that all of my income is bloody benefits!

£10 is fine for a wedding gift if that's what the giver wants to give, it isn't actually compulsory to buy anything. But I don't know anyone who has ever been to a wedding without a gift. In this case I would definitely do your own thing and I would definitely get the room money from her as soon as possible. She seems the type to try and get out of paying you back.

Don't worry about being seen as cheapskates, as you put it. You said your friend is lovely and all she wants is to have you there, celebrating the day. As someone said up thread, a few years after the wedding, chances are she won't remember who gave what.

Just say you'd rather buy something else - costing around £30 and she can split on that.

I think £10 is ok. I got lots of 'cheaper' presents when I got married but was more than happy with them all and getting to see my guests on my special day.

If you were going to spend £££ I would say tell her you want to buy your own present. But you want to spend £20 and your friend £10! There isn't a huge difference! Surely you can meet hallways and pool
Together to buy something a bit less embarrassing nicer

I would say this to your friend: "Dear .... I would really love to spend more than 20 pounds on my present for the bride. Do you mind if we buy the presents separately for this reason?"

Well as it is I've just had a message saying her bank account is empty. So I deduced from this that she expects me to buy the present and she will pay me back at some undefined point in the future.

So I have said let's buy separately.

If her bank account is empty, who has paid the hotel? Will you have to pay the bill for both of you once you get there?

Skint people can only afford what their budget can stretch to, that is not an issue.

Cheap people are only willing to spend less than they can afford and, ime, expect other people to make up the difference.

She suggested the joint present, and if she is anything like the cheap people I know, she is counting on your goodwill to pay more than your share of the present because you won't want to give a present you don't feel is adequate.

Go for separate gifts. If she feels happy with spending £10 on a joint present, then she will feel happy with spending £10 on her own present too.

I've already paid for the hotel (had to to get the great cheap deal) although to be fair I am not sure if I had told her this, so she is excused for not coughing up for that yet. However as we got such a good deal I won't be too disheartened if she says she can't afford it any more...!

My goodness, if the friend could not afford Togo without having to pay her wayshe should not have accepted the invite. Op I would not have paid for the hotel, you probably know your not going to get that back! I know crap, Everytime I go to,the bank I get the same spiel, it annoys me, I want to go to te bank without being harassed

in her defence maybe she thought you dont pay for the hotel till the night, some do this

but if a dodgy travel lodge like we book for our mn meets, then you pay when you book, ie as soon as i knew lovely bella had booked/paid for our room for the xmas bash, i sent her my half of it via paypal - would feel awful if someone else paid for it, and i didnt pay back

glad you have told her to buy separate pressies, and also mention that the room cost £xx and could she give you her half please :)

All sorted, everyone happy. Thank you everyone!

Definitely get your own gift. I know people like this - you wll end up finding and purchasing the present and you'll be lucky to see the tenner from her.... I would say you had something on mind already and saw one on sale or whatever 'which was great as I could spend the same amount but I got a better gift'.