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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really hate my partner right now

47 replies

GuernseyTeddy · 31/10/2013 12:55

He's away on a business trip, and apparently IBU when I get pissed off at him phoning to say what a nice time he's having.

We have a 12 week old son. Early teething so v grumpy at the moment. Seems all I do these days is look after the baby, and everyone else (housework etc). No hope of returning to work due to childcare and commuting costs. HV turned up unannounced this morning etc, etc

AIBVU to not want to talk to him until he returns - Friday? Can't face a rerun of last nights conversation, me on the sofa with head lice shampoo on (DSD) and him talking about his business dinner and the beautiful cobbles of place du molard

OP posts:

Ham69 · 31/10/2013 13:04

YANBU. I'd wait til he returns.

killpeppa · 31/10/2013 13:05

I'd be ticked off too, but don't stop talking to him!

pass yourself with a 'that's nice' every so often while cursing him and his freedom.

Handbagsonnhold · 31/10/2013 13:06

Not at all! I remember this well after OH away on long haul trip (work) after paternity leave ....I got a text saying "call you later .... just tradition here to finish beers as sun goes down....love u" I was literally scratching at the windows to get out as he pulled on the drive when he got home! Yanbu at all! X

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 31/10/2013 13:12

Not unreasonable - I've been there. BUT......I've also been away and he will be desperately missing you all (whilst enjoying his beer / cobbles / whatever )

So don't cut him off just tell him how you feel and that you really need him to be ready to jump into rescuing you big time on Friday. mybe in the context of - well get lots of sleep because you are on duty Frday / saturday nights.....

CoffeeTea103 · 31/10/2013 13:12

What were your childcare, work arrangements before having the baby. Yabu to be upset if you expected the situation you are in. If it was unexpected changes to what you had planned then yanbu.

Hassled · 31/10/2013 13:21

DH called me once on a work jolly from the Grand Pissing Canyon while I was home with a newborn, a toddler and 2 stroppy teenagers. Most of us had D&V, and it was raining. I may have sworn.

So - sympathies.

Original poster

GuernseyTeddy · 31/10/2013 13:24

My first child so really did not know what I was letting myself in for. Stupidly never expected childcare costs to be so much. I earned a decent wage before but we would be worse off if I went back to work. That concept never occurred to me. Plus with DPs wage we don't qualify for tax credits etc.

Normally i've got groups etc but with it being half term none of them are running this week. Am lucky that DS sleeps 6 - 6 with a late feed at 10, but it's still hard being up to my elbows in washing, sick and poo when my DP is still going out for lunches, travelling and just generally having an easier time of it.

Sometimes I wonder whether a course in cleaning and childcare might have been more use to me than any schooling past the age of puberty.

Grr. Bad mood!

OP posts:

Rattitude · 31/10/2013 13:27

'Molard' means green phlegm, so he may not be in as scenic a place as he makes it sound

Original poster

GuernseyTeddy · 31/10/2013 13:30

Definitively no green phlegm in this molard!

OP posts:

Dahlen · 31/10/2013 13:30

Oh dear. You need [tea] and sympathy. I daresay some good sleep would help, too.

YANBU to be upset and to feel like you've drawn the short straw. Of course it feels pants being stuck at home while your DH is off swanning around Europe seemingly without a care in the world. However, it's unreasonable to expect your DH to be miserable, and if you want him to call you while he's away, he can't really win.

I suspect this runs deeper than that though. You sound as though you feel like your life has been taken over by childcare and domestic duties and that you are losing your sense of self. That certainly IS an issue and one you and your DH need to come up with a solution for. If finance is the only thing standing in the way of you returning to work (i.e. you're not at home because you desperately want to be a SAHM), I'd reassess the working situation. Many, many women work at a loss or only just break even in the early years of their children's lives. That's because for many people work isn't only about income. It's also about fulfilment, identity, keeping their hand in a career, and financial independence (don't forget that half those childcare costs should be seen as coming out of your DH's salary. Even though that may not make any difference to the household budget, it's important to keep that mental distinction). Other variations on that involve working part-time or in a different, less demanding/commuting field.

If you do want to be a SAHM, you could investigate a couple of hours a week nursery care to allow you to pursue a hobby or voluntary work. Also try building a social network with other mums in your situation. It may take a bit of a leap of faith to open up and try to develop those friendships but it is worth it.

Also make sure you're not doing more than your fair share of domestic stuff. While you will obviously end up doing more than your DH because you're at home more (and even professional nannies and nursery workers are expected to do light duties), that certainly doesn't mean all of it - and you should never feel under pressure to neglect your baby or your self because it's expected that you do the laundry, for example. You and your baby come first and if you have a bad day where nothing gets done, so be it.

Dahlen · 31/10/2013 13:31

Hope you feel better soon.

Dobbiesmum · 31/10/2013 13:41

Sympathies for you, I totally understand. Last year DH went on a 'work trip' to a beautiful hot sunny place just before we were all buried under snow.. I was snowed in for 3 days with a baby, a 6 year old and an 11 year old, all of us climbing the walls...
I just about managed to be polite when he phoned me raving about how beautiful it is and the 5 star hotel etc. it's a good job he was a few thousand miles away because I would have killed him otherwise!
YANBU xx

Mojavewonderer · 31/10/2013 13:53

I would love to go swanning off to somewhere amazing for a business trip. Never gonna happen though

CinnabarRed · 31/10/2013 13:56

Hang on - do you want to go back to work? Because, if so, why are you assuming that you have to meet all the childcare costs? He's your DH's son too! No way on earth you should give up a career if you don't want to, particularly if you have potential for higher earnings in the future.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 31/10/2013 14:06

Oh, I so get this!

I remember being alone with DC age 3and 1, both vomiting, and getting a call from DH, all dreamy:" I am having cocktails in this bar on the top floor of the hotel, it is all modern and stuff. Not sure I like it, oh wait, there is Adriana! Must go"

Leaving me fuming and wondering who the fuck this Adriana is!

maddiedh · 31/10/2013 14:08

I completely understand where you're coming from (its exactly the kind of thing DH would do!) and would feel the same way you do. I hope things start to get easier with your baby's teething soon. Personally I'd do what thinkaboutittomorrow suggests and get him to take over the child care as soon as he's back. I'd be heading out (on my own) for a couple of hours to do a bit of retail therapy/window shopping/ coffee with friends on the Saturday. In the meantime I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that i don't want to hear about how great his bloody hotel etc is! X

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 31/10/2013 14:09

YANBU, OP and you've made me more grateful than ever that DH only goes on business trips to such exotic destinations as Salford.

Original poster

GuernseyTeddy · 31/10/2013 14:19

Feeling much better now. DS gurgling on play mat after lunchtime nap and feed. And ocado delivery arrived. Stocked up on expensive vegan goodies DP hates..but seeing as he's away I will enjoy my soy tea.

OP posts:

eurochick · 31/10/2013 14:25

I travel a lot on business and I can assure you that I would invariably much rather be at home!

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 14:31

"why are you assuming that you have to meet all the childcare costs? He's your DH's son too! No way on earth you should give up a career if you don't want to, particularly if you have potential for higher earnings in the future."

THIS ^

It's so important.

Don't make yourself financially dependent if you don't want to.

If he earns so much, he can pay for the childcare.

"I travel a lot on business and I can assure you that I would invariably much rather be at home!"

I do too and I FUCKING LOVE IT! :o

It's totally awesome getting away from the dreary drudge of bringing up kids for a bit.

I never miss them at all because I'm too busy making the most of them not being around.

Original poster

GuernseyTeddy · 31/10/2013 14:36

Would love to work, but don't think I will again until DS is in school. For any decent role I'd need to commute to the city, which would mean DS would be in 7 - 7 wraparound child care for 5 days a week. And seeing as I don't do anything particularly meaningful or important, it seems a bit selfish to put a young child in childcare for such long hours for anything other than financial necessity.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 14:44

Well, given that you're not married I would say that working IS a financial necessity for you.

Making yourself financially dependent on someone who has no legal responsibility to look after you is seems a pretty rash.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 31/10/2013 14:46

joinyourplayfuckers not sure what marriage has to do with it? If a married couple split up there is no legal responsibility to look after the other person. Just kids and that's the same married or not.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 14:49

"If a married couple split up there is no legal responsibility to look after the other person."

If a married couple splits up and one of them has given up work to look after the children, the split of marital assets will take that into consideration.

If an unmarried couple splits up, there are no marital assets. The earning partner can walk away and only pay what the CSA demands.

It is utterly boneheaded to become a SAHM unless you are independently wealthy, or married.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 31/10/2013 14:54

Does it have that big an impact? I thought it was usually still broadly 50:50 split? So if all assets are shared whether married or not it has no impact. The only exception that I can think of is the working partner's pension (admittedly if you are well off this is a big thing).

Not married but not sahp either, just thought it was a curious approach

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