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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really hate my partner right now

47 replies

GuernseyTeddy · 31/10/2013 12:55

He's away on a business trip, and apparently IBU when I get pissed off at him phoning to say what a nice time he's having.

We have a 12 week old son. Early teething so v grumpy at the moment. Seems all I do these days is look after the baby, and everyone else (housework etc). No hope of returning to work due to childcare and commuting costs. HV turned up unannounced this morning etc, etc

AIBVU to not want to talk to him until he returns - Friday? Can't face a rerun of last nights conversation, me on the sofa with head lice shampoo on (DSD) and him talking about his business dinner and the beautiful cobbles of place du molard

OP posts:

Original poster

GuernseyTeddy · 31/10/2013 14:57

Understandable if I'd be any better off through working, or I'd trained for years for a career...but as after commuting costs, childcare (50%) and contribution to the household were taken into account I would be left with nothing. Can't see how leaving my son for long periods makes sense financially or otherwise. If I split with my DP, then I'd of course work but then I'd benefit from tax help with childcare costs etc so ironically would be better off.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 14:57

Depending on the circumstances it can have an enormous impact.

And no, splits of assets are not always 50-50, particularly where one spouse has decreased earning capacity and full-time care of the children.

CinnabarRed · 31/10/2013 14:58

I thought it was usually still broadly 50:50 split?

Not if you're unmarried, no. Each partner takes out what s/he owns. So if he owns the house, and there's no evidence that she contributed to the mortgage (and paying the other bills doesn't count as a contribution to the mortgage), then she gets nothing from the property.

Also, spousal maintenance is still sometimes agreed by the courts (as opposed to maintenance for the children).

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 14:59

Why would you be paying for 50% of the childcare if you aren't earning 50% of the money?

What kind of financial arrangement do you have with this man whose daughter's nits you are treating while he's off wining and dining his way around Europe that would leave you with NO money if you decided to work?

BeCoolFucker · 31/10/2013 15:02

.... I'd benefit from tax help with childcare costs etc so ironically would be better off.
Have you factored in your DP contributing towards 50% of childcare costs in your current equations?

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 31/10/2013 15:03

Guernsey I think the point about financial independence is still a good one, personally I think the same married or not.

5 years SAHP could massively reduce your earning potential and leave you even more annoyed at DP in the long term.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 31/10/2013 15:04

i was assuming shared assets - house and savings. Living in a house you don't own is silly, absolutely.

Original poster

GuernseyTeddy · 31/10/2013 15:09

I was just speaking figuratively with 50%. I assume we would do that pool all income, pay bills, split disposable income thing etc if I had a salary coming in too. But as we wouldn't have any disposable income, because my working would cause us a net loss, then financially I would still have no money. Only differences being I would never see my son, and be super stressed.

It sounds bonkers, but we're actually in the position were my working would cost money. And we've only got the one child living with us.

DSD is at her mum's. Suspect lice have come from her though after contact weekend. Email a few weeks back about the little critters being rife at school.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 15:13

Well then get married so that you have some legal protection should you split up.

themaltesefalcon · 31/10/2013 15:13

I think you need to have a very calm, sensible discussion with this man about your financial future.

If you return to work, he should pay for a large proportion of the childcare, based on your respective incomes.

At the moment, your SAHM status is allowing him to ponce off on oh-so-important European business trips. It is also leaving you hideously vulnerable.

Have you discussed marriage?

themaltesefalcon · 31/10/2013 15:16

Your husband is a prat for not following the correct protocol in talking to stuck-at-home spouses whilst away on business:

"No darling, it's vile here, crap hotel, can't sleep because of the noise, got vomited on by the drunk in the lobby, no hot water, no chance of meal with cockroaches in it..."

Lilacroses · 31/10/2013 15:19

Massive sympathy to you OP!! I have been in this situation so frequently and know exactly how horrible it is. DP's big trips abroad always seem to coincide with Dd being ill, my MIL being ill, the dog being ill, some stressful situation at work etc etc. She does work very hard but also has some really lovely, glamorous nights out and posts snaps of her enjoying delicious dinners with her colleagues in amazing restaurants or statuses like "Mmmmm...we've decided where to go for lunch...we just can't decide where to eat out for dinner" I could scream!!!!

Dobbiesmum · 31/10/2013 16:05

themaltesefalcon that's it exactly! Never ever boast about how good it is, even if it's followed by "Dobbies I am bringing you and the kids here one day". I don't want to go there one day I want to be there now!!
DH pinched a menu from the braii that he went to (possibly outs self) held on the very night we had the worst of the snow. I was so tempted to stick it up his arse..

kerala · 31/10/2013 17:13

My dh had the most miserable trip to various industrial estates in Belgium once in November. He sent me a pic of the view from his hotel - a tractor factory. I was much happier being at home in our lovely house!

Casperthefriendlyspook · 31/10/2013 18:31

Seriously - I travel A Lot for work. It's not a skive. Yes, you get nice food and usually a nice hotel, but you're away from home and kids, working 12 hour days in often tricky, high pressured situations - all with horrid jetlag. It's not a jolly... Would much rather be at home with DP and kids.

themaltesefalcon · 31/10/2013 19:37

Dobbiesmum You're a better woman than I am, Gunga Din. :)

kerala · 31/10/2013 20:12

Exactly Casper I used to do it a lot annoyed me when in laws would exclaim how " lucky" I was to be flown to all these places errr no back to back meetings and sick making stress is the same in London Singapore or Prague

LindyHemming · 31/10/2013 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 20:25

I guess it depends on what kind of trip it is.

A nice jaunt off to a conference or festival is just like a holiday with loads of booze and socialising and precious little actual graft.

GreenVelvet · 31/10/2013 20:32

If your baby is only 12 weeks surely its unlikely anyone else would be looking after him, I am not sure what you imagined OP? Staying at home looking after a young baby can be very special, nice and sweet and not too much hard work - after all they're asleep most of the time ...

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor · 31/10/2013 20:42

"looking after a young baby can be very special, nice and sweet and not too much hard work - after all they're asleep most of the time "

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

OP YANBU If your DP is having a nice time, and there's no reason to disbelieve him if he says he is, then there's really no need to rub your nose in it when you're suffering from sleep deprivation.

LaGuardia · 31/10/2013 20:43

I was literally scratching at the windows to get out as he pulled on the drive when he got home! Did he lock you in then, Handbags?

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