To feel slightly annoyed about not getting a choice in Xmas?

[LaLaLeni]

This is my first AIBU post, so please be kind!

We have a 7 month old DS, who is an ivf baby that I had to convince OH to have. I went through the treatment twice and it wasn't easy. We just bought our first home which for me is a very important new start as we previously had a house burn down and lost everything. My ideal Christmas would be just the three of us in our new home together, bonding as a new family and relaxing. I work full time and have a self-employed job too, so holidays are the only time I have to reset.

My DF and DSF regularly travel the 3 hrs to see us, but pils have never visited us once in our 4 years together. Mil has an anxiety disorder (although I wasn't told until this summer) meaning she won't go out alone, she hasn't sought treatment for it. They live on a smallholding and have issues with hoarding, so their house is very dirty (think cat faeces/vomit left for weeks, piles of old furniture/papers/toys covered in cobwebs and dust from when OH was little, the odd dead animal covered in flies that the 6 cats bring in, not to mention the 'new' microwave OH used to warm DS's milk when he was just 5 weeks old, which has about an inch of encrusted food inside it. During our last visit to them mil promised they'd finally come to us next, but then promptly got a sheepdog puppy who can't go in a car or be left alone ever.

OH doesn't drive and we don't need a car, so I always have to hire one and do all the driving.

We last visited in September and paid a lot of money to rent a cottage because DS is about to crawl and I insisted on avoiding him eating cat poo or anything else lying around at mil's house.

OH constantly says he has no money, despite having earned over double what I do until very recently, (Yet I still paid half of all our bills) yet seems fine with spending cash on hire cars and holiday cottages. We've had no holidays anywhere other than to see pils since 4 months in to our relationship. I pay all the bills and I paid three times what he did towards our mortgage deposit too, so it annoys me that he now insists on blowing more money visiting pils who refuse to make the effort to come to us, even though we have a child.

When we see them, pil barely looks up from the tv and has to be asked to hold DS. I spend the whole time watching DS to make sure he's not putting poo in his mouth. I have to drive us everywhere. It's not how I want our first family xmas to be at all.

I tried to tell OH how I felt but he just yelled saying I don't understand what it's like for him. Considering he has no qualms about saying he hates my DF, I feel I do.

Am I unreasonable to expect to have some say in this without being made to feel like I'm a terrible mother? I've made so many concessions already, yet there's just no give and take whatsoever

Could you stay where you are then? You would potentially get more benefits / maintenance if you split.

If you are unhappy then please look into changing the status quo.

The way your H is acting is not normal. Think of the example it will set for your DS now and in future.

YANBU but Christmas is the least of your problems, it sounds like. Have you thought about Relate?

On the practical side (re Christmas) how about simply refusing to drive there? And if he won't accept that, then "lose" your driving licence a couple of weeks beforehand? A rather childish way to go about things, admittedly, but if you can't beat em...

As POMbear said right at the start, stand firm on not driving or hiring the car and say you won't stop him going alone. Ignore any threats about taking DS. Start looking into renting a smaller place for just you and DS because I can't see how you can continue like this. You say you 'can't manage on your own', but how different would it be from what you have to bear with now? The rental/mortage thing is the main obstacle so do some research on how you can get yourself into your own place.

I agree with the poster that said Christmas is the least of your worries, this is more about your entire relationship, is this what you want your DS to witness as he grows and learns this is how he should treat a woman?

You pay all the bills and most of the mortgage. Christmas is not the problem. Your OH is. This is not a good relationship and your oh is financially abusive.

Christmas and his parents are side-issues. The core of your problem is your OH. How did your joint finances end up so lopsided, with him earning more but you contributing more? Also, you say that he "earned over double what I do until very recently" - what has changed this, him losing a job or you getting a new one?

Good lord, why are you with this man?

Sorry, can't remember who asked what - I don't expect them to change, being clean is a behaviour, it isn't a personality trait. Our house wasn't spotless before we had DS but I had to change that for his sake. Had the pils not kept promising to come to us I wouldn't be expecting it and that's why it's annoying. I like mil and I want her to get help for her sake too, she tells me fil has never bought her a birthday present in 30 years of marriage and my heart breaks for her and sinks for me too. OH wasn't like this when we got together - he used to get up early and cook and generally function normally, we had fun and romance. As I said in my op I had no idea mil couldn't/wouldn't leave the house until after DS was born. OH says she suffered with similar when they were little and she got therapy then, but now she won't. Isn't a grandchild a good enough reason to seek help? I fear not if we keep bringing him to them. Having DCs does require people to change I feel, I never go out socially anymore and I used to be out almost every night, but that's not 'me', that's just behaviour ifyswim. We don't all carry on the same things we were used to before we had our own families surely? Of course a single man would rather go home to parents for xmas but when he has a family of his own don't they then become priority?

I love our new home, I hate the thought of leaving it, plus we'd never get a place (even a smaller one) for this cheap. Alone I don't qualify for a mortgage of this size (it's very small) despite being able to easily afford it, London prices are ridiculous, and for renting even worse.

I do worry that DS will pick up that this is how men should treat women yes, but he's still only 7 months old so I'd hope we can sort things out before he's properly aware. For the record almost all my mummy friends had DPs who weren't sold on the idea of DCs, it seems quite common - other male daddy friends all say they weren't keen but now adore their DCs. OH did have a choice and he chose DS. I know he loves him.

Yes I got a new job - I was agency before and now I'm full time permanent. DPs hours changed and he now earns less (he only works 165 days of the year though). He always said I should pay half of everything because we needed an extra room for my work (this is moot now because DS would've needed a room anyway) but now he says I earn more and moans he has no money when his tax bill comes. I have no idea what he does with it, especially seeing as I managed to save £8K in the 3 months before my mat leave (I started my permanent job in Dec and went off in March) to fund my unpaid mat leave. At the time he was still earning more.

I suggested Relate but he won't go.

We do have good times and I know he says things when angry before thinking. In reality he would never take DS. We've been through a lot in 4 years together and it's put a huge strain on us individually too. I'm not always easy to live with but I always put him and DS first. I have to be torn between him and my DF too and that is very hard, I've put DF coming to visit so often but I understand he's a lot to deal with sometimes so I maintain the balance.

I feel a bit less angry about it this morning, But I still really want to find a way to at least get OH to talk to me about it calmly and try to understand my point of view.

so why do you cough up for the hire car to visit his parents? especially as he doesn't even contribute to the driving?

don't pay for the hire car or the cottage. More importantly don't go if you don't want to. If he doesn't listen to your concerns then you have your answer. You really don't have to be a victim here and you certainly don't need anyone's permission to stay home with your baby.

If you can manage to save up £8K in 3 months as stated in your last post that's around £2,600 a month are you seriously trying to say you couldn't afford to rent a 2 bed flat, that's a lot of spare cash to slot away and more than enough to rent a 2 bed flat in London for you and your DS.

Factor in you saying your DH earns 3x more than you I just don't see why you are in a part rent/part buy scheme unless you are living somewhere like Chelsea or Belgravia.

How are you going to get him to talk calmly to you?

so you are in a financially abusive relationship with a selfish bastard who has no problem shputing at you and no consideration for your feelings or your child's first Christmas being spent in an awful and potentially dangerous house?

have I got that right?

Just stay put. Dont discuss it any more. Just dont ho anywhere in xmas day.

Fwiw i would never be in their house! Im shocked you brought your baby there

No Baking I don't live in either of those places. I saved that before DS was born by seriously cutting back on things because I knew I'd have no income for 7 months. Now we have DS so over £1000 per month goes on just his childcare alone. But that's really not the point here is it? I've explored the options and I can't afford a 3 bed on my own. OH was earning 3 x my income before when I was on less than £10k a year but not now I'm permanent.

The specifics of my finances aside, I'd rather not move out of here.

This was not a situation I planned to be in.

He probably doesn't think all this is ok and someone said upthread, but he's not doing anything about it for whatever reason. His shouting is symptomatic of the underlying powerlessness he probably feels because of my pils. They don't talk about feelings etc so he never learned to either - which I do empathise with. These are just not situations he or I ever had to deal with before DS.

Brass - he paid last time after our huge row. But that in itself means he'll be stuck again when it comes to bills because he can't afford to blow £600 for 3 days away just because pils won't clean up enough for a baby to be safe.

Sometimes it's a hard choice, staying with an unreasonable man in your dream house preserving the status quo or going it alone with your DS albeit in a smaller place but not having to put up with his (DH) financial and emotional abuse. I never like to see people splitting up especially with young children involved but sometimes it is inevitable and better for everybody all around. I hope you make the decisions which are best for you and your DS

Thanks Baking. I'm more hesitant because my parents split when I was 7 and it really affected me right through my life. I have no role models for healthy relationships so I struggle to know what's normal

Have you decided if you are going to pils for christams LaLa?

Not yet I'm not sure I have the energy for either the trip or the arguing if we don't go - just don't want to feel DS will be deprived by not seeing GPs for xmas considering he's so young...

Why do you need a three-bed place? You and DS only need a 2-bed place, and for that matter while he's so young and you find your feet, you could cope in a 1-bed flat, which would surely be affordable in comparison.

I don't want to sound unsympathetic. I'm on your 'side' completely when it comes to the Christmas arrangements, but I think you need to face reality here.

Either you put your foot down about this - and to be taken seriously you need to be able to back it up with the ultimate sanction of leaving your OH and striking out on your own. Or you accept this life forevermore, because if there's one thing life has taught me it's that people don't change without a very compelling reason that they think is reason to do so. A little 'nagging' from you hasn't worked thus far so what makes you think it will this time?

I wouldn't go LaLa,I think the stress of been there will be worse than any arguments.Could you explain to your dh it would be easier to leave it till next year when your sons abit older? It's a shame your ds's.first Christmas has to revolve around other people really,it could be you three chilling out together for the day.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Have a confidential chat with womens aid when you are ready. They will help you put things into perspective and make plans for your future.

You say you cant afford to rent a 3 bed, why not rent a 2 bed if you need a study for home working. I think you are paying too much for childcare as I pay £1300 for 2 dc. Investigate cheaper childcare, I use a cm & she charges £5 less per child s than a nursery.

You are virtually financially running the house anyway so dont think you wont be able to manage on his own.
Do a budget and start planning and saving because this situation will wear you down eventually.

If yoy want to avoid a row then insist that your dp pays for a company to do a full steam clean of his family home before you go. He wont because he will will want to shield his parents from the scrutiny of outsiders. Buy yourself some time to plan how to remove yourself & your dc from this situation.

If I were you, I would see a solicitor to get advice (1st 30 mins free) & have it notes that my dp is threatening kidnap. So if a custody battle starts, its already on record against him. I would also call the police on the none emergency number & have the kidnap threat noted.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/ www.moneysavingexpert.com/

" if there's one thing life has taught me it's that people don't change without a very compelling reason that they think is reason to do so."
I absolutely agree with Dahlen on this point. Reasonable people are wiling to change because they find 'making life better for my partner' to be a compelling enough reason. Your OH does not sound as if he regards it so , so you will have to find, and use, a reason that he will find compelling .

Money looks to me to be a problem for this man. When he earned more, he expected you to pay half ("He always said I should pay half of everything because we needed an extra room for my work") but now that you earn ??more/about the same?? he moans about money and seem, IMO, to expect you to pay more? Would it be possible for you two to discuss money, just on its own? Not his parents, not Christmas, not anything specific, just a general discussion about attitudes to money and how it should be pooled, ringfenced, spent, saved?

can you ask your dp if when he was a child his parents used to drive around at xmas between families, doing the visiting?
i'm guessing he'll say no.. and this is the argument i would have... once you have children, you stay put at xmas and people come to you.

well if he can't afford it he can't go can he?

if you don't make a stand now you will have this issue hanging over you every year.

you need to discuss it and make sure there are options and compromises on BOTH sides.