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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let My mother back into our lives again [MNHQ: Trigger warning; physical abuse]

145 replies

bongobaby · 30/10/2013 15:51

I haven't spoken to my mother for a few years due to her toxic ways and abuse, Long history. A few weeks ago I bumped into her unexpectedly and it was awkward to say the least.
Last few nights I have been having flashbacks to my childhood and last night I broke down in my bathroom in tears, unable to catch my breath and slunk to the floor in a heap. A memory of me being a six year child playing with my colouring pens on my own happily sprang into my mind. Because my other siblings wanted the pens and I wouldn't give them up my mother beat me with a belt causing cuts and welts on my legs and back. I was so scared that I ran from the house and 4 miles down the road for help with no shoes on. The police brought me back and when they left she beat me more, after I couldn't sit down on the toilet as it hurt, she made my siblings laugh at me and kick me.
I have closed this memory off, buried it in my mind for years as I am nearly knocking on the door of being forty soon. But it has crushed me, hurt me, made me feel like a selfish little bitch again. That's what she had called me for not sharing. I'm upset even writing this down now as I would never lay a finger on my own dc who means the world to me.
Do I really want this women back in my life again dredging up bad memories? sorry to bleat on, I'm just not feeling good at the moment and weak.

OP posts:

FunkyFucker · 30/10/2013 15:52

No. And you were not selfish. Do not let her into your life again.
Massive hugs sweetie.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 30/10/2013 15:56

She has made you feel this way after one meeting, you are absolutely right not to let her in your life again.

You were NOT selfish and you DID NOT deserve what happened to you at all.

Have you had any sort of counselling at all? It might be good to talk to someone impartial about your childhood.

CoffeeTea103 · 30/10/2013 15:56

This is awful op. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life. Look at your reaction by merely bumping into her and how it effected you. You don't want anymore of that. Just keep moving forward, you have your beautiful dc , you do not need her. Hugs.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/10/2013 15:58

No, you don't. You do not need or want her in your life. How awful OP.

PumpkinPie2013 · 30/10/2013 15:59

Oh love YANBU and you are most definitely not selfish -it sounds as though you went through a terrible time

Your mother sounds awful and doesn't deserve to be in your life or your dc.

I'm not suprised you're feeling so low - do you have a partner for support? Or a close friend perhaps?

I hope you have someone. Take care and be kind to yourself xx

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 30/10/2013 15:59

Did the police not realise you were hurt?

BarbarianMum · 30/10/2013 16:00

Of course you don't want her back in your life! Who would, after being abused like that?

Small children often don't like sharing. As a mum you know that's normal. And nothing, absolutely nothing, a six year old could do could ever merit such a violent response.

Have you ever talked to anyone about this in rl?

Ham69 · 30/10/2013 16:00

Dear me, that's horrendous. My heart really goes out to you. Would you consider speaking to a counseller? I wouldn't even contemplate letting her back in until you've seeked some kind of professional help over those awful memories. And even after that, don't think she's worthy of being allowed back into your life. Good luck OP.

Original poster

bongobaby · 30/10/2013 16:05

I think that she actually hates me. She would enjoy telling me how she wished she had had me aborted. There were countless times when she would beat me daily. Not just with her hands but anything that was close by. The worst beating was on my private parts because she accused me of not being a virgin when I used a tampon instead of a sanitary towel. "you are a fucking child, not a fucking women in my house because you got your period"
My stomach is in knots, my hands are shaking all this was buried deep away in a box marked hurt and now its been opened again. she used to beat my poor dad up and give him black eyes in front of us it was horrible.

OP posts:

DameDeepRedBetty · 30/10/2013 16:17

JustThisOnce I'm afraid unless the injuries were really really obvious the police thirty odd years ago would not have really noticed them.

OP of course you mustn't let her back in. And I do think you should find a professional to talk this through with, so that you can put it all back in the box and get on and enjoy your life and your lovely children.

baskingseals · 30/10/2013 16:19

Bongo, do you feel you could talk to anyone? You are carrying a lot in your box. Really feel for you. None of what she did was your fault in any way.
X

Original poster

bongobaby · 30/10/2013 16:25

The police officer at the time told me I was being a silly little girl and that I shouldn't upset my mother. many years later the police were called after she had beaten me so badly that I took an overdose of pills and drink. She was still punching me in the face when they came and it took four of them to get her off of me. I am a closed book when it comes to talking and being close with people in RL.
I have three other siblings and she also beat them badly, breaking ribs, cuts and bruises. One sibling was put on the at risk register.
I sound like I'm whinging about the past but it really feels like this has stunned me, like a delayed reaction.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 30/10/2013 16:27

Op what is making you now consider whether to let her back in your life.

sparechange · 30/10/2013 16:27

Bongo, I didn't want to read and run

What you went through was horrific abuse, and you are a truly amazing person to have got on with your life after going through this, but you don't need to bury it deep away.
Dealing with these memories, processing and confronting them, is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of immense strength, as is your decision to cut contact with her in order to protect yourself.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this more, to help you rationalise your feelings? and

baskingseals · 30/10/2013 16:32

Bongo, you are not whinging. You must be so full of hurt. Can you talk to any of your siblings?

Original poster

bongobaby · 30/10/2013 16:33

Coffee because of bumping into her recently and her saying that she loves me (which she has never said in my life before) and she is getting on in age.
spare that's just it, I'm finding it so hard to rationalise my feelings almost to the point of normalising it. I'm on my own without a partner and to be honest would feel embarrassed to. Thought I would come here for some advice and its been so kind of you all.

OP posts:

whois · 30/10/2013 16:35

Fucking hell do not let the evil bitch anywhere near you or your DCs. Keep her away!

The abuse you suffered sounds horrendously sever - have you had any counselling? There is some awful stuff to work through.

Sorry you've been through so much.

WildeRumpus · 30/10/2013 16:37

bongo you are not whinging and yanbu at all. As other posters have asked, are you having any counselling to help you sift thru and cope with what happened to you?

Your childhood sounds horrific. I am in counselling and have gone nc with my mum and feel terrible about it, but am learning to like and stand by my decision and disable my 'inner mother' who taunts and criticises me still. It has been an amazing help, talking thru stuff.

Have you been on the stately homes thread on the relationships board at all? Sorry can't link am on phone.Lots of people with awful childhoods talking and supporting each other. A principal theme is that of the 'fog' these abusive parents put us in - fear, obligation and guilt, and how to rid ourselves of it.

Take care op, please don't let her back into your family.

absentmindeddooooodles · 30/10/2013 16:40

Do not evee let her back into your life. What you went through was beyond horrendous. You sound like an incredibly strong lovely person whos doing a great job raising a child. You do not need that poison in your life.

I hope you manage to work through these feelings. Perhaps talk to a counsellor?

baskingseals · 30/10/2013 16:41

Bongo, I can see why you would feel embarrassed. That's fair enough, but you have been through an awful lot, with the right counsellor you could perhaps start to live your life without these memories and feelings at the back of your mind. You were an innocent child and have nothing to feel ashamed of. How did you feel when your mother said that she loved you?

womblesofwestminster · 30/10/2013 16:47

Wow OP, I could have written your post. I've been no-contact with my own abusive mother since July 2012. Everything's great until someone mentions her or she tries texting or sending me stuff for the DCs, then I have nightmares and flashbacks and a huge attack of the guilts. But I see being no-contact as protecting myself AND my DCs. I have no doubt that my decision to go NC has been the right one for my (immediate) family.

Do you have DC? Have they ever met your mum?

Original poster

bongobaby · 30/10/2013 16:50

I haven't ever had any counselling about this. Just have always put it to the back of my mind. But it has made me feel anxious, no good, weak, shit person. All my relationship's with men have been abusive because I felt not worthy.
I felt really embarrassed and taken a back when she said I love you, as it was false. she is a very good manipulator.

My other siblings want nothing to do with her. But why the bloody hell was it me that had to bump into her. did it have a meaning of forgive and forget?

OP posts:

Callani · 30/10/2013 16:55

Do not let this woman back into your life. What you have described is horrible, it is abuse on such a scale I could never imagine and there is no way it could ever be your fault.

If you ever find yourself thinking along those lines ask yourself, did your siblings deserve to be beaten? what about your father? would you ever even come close to doing something like that to your own DC?

The answers are no, no and definitely not which is why this is none of your fault and all hers.

Stay NC, please, if only because your DC deserve to have a happy, confident mother as a role model.

appletarts · 30/10/2013 16:56

How about arrange to meet her in a public place without your children and tell her exactly how you felt as a child and the impact it has had on you. Tell her you don't want her in your life and this is the reason why. You will realise you are sitting with an old lady with no power and you will realise you are a strong grown woman in her presence, not a little girl. Reclaim your power and walk out with your head held high, you have survived her, and don't have her in your life, you owe her nothing, you are free to go.

Original poster

bongobaby · 30/10/2013 17:05

we used to live with my step father who passed away, but in my eyes was my dad. My real father separated from my mother when I was a baby and now has numerous children by different women and was never really in my life.
This sounds really bad of me but I manage to not ever go that far or lay a hand on my dc. I feel that if I did that would make me like her.

OP posts:

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