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Original poster

To not let My mother back into our lives again [MNHQ: Trigger warning; physical abuse]

145 replies

bongobaby · 30/10/2013 15:51

I haven't spoken to my mother for a few years due to her toxic ways and abuse, Long history. A few weeks ago I bumped into her unexpectedly and it was awkward to say the least.
Last few nights I have been having flashbacks to my childhood and last night I broke down in my bathroom in tears, unable to catch my breath and slunk to the floor in a heap. A memory of me being a six year child playing with my colouring pens on my own happily sprang into my mind. Because my other siblings wanted the pens and I wouldn't give them up my mother beat me with a belt causing cuts and welts on my legs and back. I was so scared that I ran from the house and 4 miles down the road for help with no shoes on. The police brought me back and when they left she beat me more, after I couldn't sit down on the toilet as it hurt, she made my siblings laugh at me and kick me.
I have closed this memory off, buried it in my mind for years as I am nearly knocking on the door of being forty soon. But it has crushed me, hurt me, made me feel like a selfish little bitch again. That's what she had called me for not sharing. I'm upset even writing this down now as I would never lay a finger on my own dc who means the world to me.
Do I really want this women back in my life again dredging up bad memories? sorry to bleat on, I'm just not feeling good at the moment and weak.

OP posts:
FunkyFucker · 30/10/2013 20:17

Other people in your family may say to forgive her, but the people here on your MN family are saying don't. Would you trust us or them to be objectively telling you the truth? You cannot risk her getting her claws into your family, which is possibly what she is planning to do.

Slinkysista · 30/10/2013 20:21

Whatever you think Op, you are a strong person. She inflicted pain and suffering on you and you still had the strength to make the right decision to cut her out!!
The people who say 'but she's your mum, you should forgive her', have not gone through what you have. They are thinking in terms of their own, kind, loving mothers. If they'd gone through what you have, they would never say such things.
This woman has nothing to add to your life, she's still the same person trying to manipulate you for her own ends. She doesn't love you, she doesn't know what love is. Do Not get in touch with her, your life will be ruined! Please for your own sake, think this through, do not let guilt get the better of you:-(

Thatisall · 30/10/2013 20:43

Of course you have done the right think keeping well away from her. What an awful experience you've had OP I'm so sorry

Original poster
bongobaby · 30/10/2013 20:53

I defiantly do not want her around my dc as before she tried to play my dc and my siblings dc off against each other, her grandchildren. She did this to us as little children and wouldn't allow us to speak to each other in the house. I guess it has just really blown my mind, feelings bumping into her again. And from all the kind advice I have had on here it is true that no good will come of it.
To see it put to me in straight talking is what I needed. I just want to sleep a little easier and not have the flashbacks anymore.

OP posts:
Hubb · 30/10/2013 21:36

OP I really feel for you.. What a horrible shitty coincidence to bump into her. I often worry about the same thing happening to me and get really panicky when I see someone that resembles my mother. And my childhood experiences were no where near as bad as yours.

You sound like you are settled in that you won't let her in your life or your DC's, which I have to say sounds like the very best thing for you, but I know it is a struggle and there can be so much guilt attached... You sound like you have been so strong in keeping NC so far, keep it up :)

I so want to recommend counselling too, I have been seeing an amazing therapist for over a yr which has turned my life around, but I understand your apprehension. Keep coming on here for support, as you can see there are so many of us that understand and can relate!

maddening · 30/10/2013 21:52

no she just wants help in her old age - ignore her - seek counselling -mend yourself more and don't let her back in.

Tulip26 · 30/10/2013 21:54

I'm scared of the dark too honey. I wrnt to therapy and I was told it's a direct result of child abuse. The unknown, feeling alone, not knowing who or what's coming for you. It might be an irrational fear to others but to you it's very real. You are an adult, nobody will ever physically hurt you again as you are in control now. You're strong and you've made your life your own.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 30/10/2013 23:02

which family members say "But whatever she has done, she is your mother" You should forgive her. ??

ZillionChocolate · 30/10/2013 23:11

You owe her nothing. You owe your children the best you can give them and that includes keeping you and them safe and well.

She should count herself lucky you've not gone to the police.

This was an unlucky coincidence, nothing more. This is not fate brining you back together.

GingerBlondecat · 30/10/2013 23:16

Darling, I am going to post and run. Your post bought back many shockiing memories of my own childhood. I shall try to return later.

((((((((((((((Soft Hugs))))))))))))) You are not alone.

GingerBlondecat · 30/10/2013 23:17

ps, do NOT let her back into your life. Ever

AnyBumFuckerPotato · 30/10/2013 23:30

I don't think you'll get a single person saying let her back in.

I'm NC with my toxic mother for a lot less.

Be kind to yourself, you sound like a wonderful mum.

zippey · 31/10/2013 00:19

So sorry to hear about your childhood. Has she ever spoken about those days and taken responsibility for what she has done. It might be useful for you to hear that, and for you to talk about these specific moments you can remember. I would only do it with a councillor or someone meutral though.

But if you don't want that then you are probably best not to let her back into your life. I'm so glad that you are being the polar opposite to how your mum was to your DC.

extracrunchy · 31/10/2013 00:27

Oh OP so sorry you went through this. It sounds like you're a really good mum to your own DC - well done!
I certainly wouldn't let her back in, not least because I wouldn't want that kind of influence around my DC. What do your siblings think?

Mia4 · 31/10/2013 10:43

YWBU towards yourself to let this woman back into your life again OP; just the sight, memory and mention of her causes such awful hurt and stress to yourself that it would be better to cut her completely out and put her in the past where she belongs.

Perhaps that's why you bumped into her? Maybe the meaning wasn't forgive and forget but to put her where she belongs, in your past not your future. If people are encouraging you (wrongly imo) to get back with her again then perhaps this is fates way of saying 'don't, really she is that bad and she doesn't deserve your attention, time or love.' She chose this path OP, not you. She chose to throw everyone from her, neglect hurt and abandon them. She chose this and quite honestly it sounds like she deserves any lonliness, lack of love and respect that comes with it.

I'm so sorry you went through this all OP, I'd also add my voice to those suggesting counselling, if you find a good person it can really help.

Mia4 · 31/10/2013 10:45

And for what it's worth, I think she may have 'birthed' you but she certainly didn't 'mother' you-which is the most important.

FrauMoose · 31/10/2013 10:53

I think it is difficult when parents who treated us badly get older. There is that wish/hope to 'mend' the relationship before they die Also if our parents have not been affectionate it is a very powerful thing to have a belated declaration of love.

I can see why this meeting has distressed you so much and brought back terrible memories.

You might want to contact an organisation like NAPAC. www.napac.org.uk/

EldritchCleavage · 31/10/2013 11:15

Hope can be a very cruel thing sometimes. You've suffered so horribly at the hands of your mother, but I detect that somewhere inside you have a little bit of hope that if you gave her a chance things would be different. Is that true?

I can't tell you what to do, but from the abuse you have described I think your mother is probably irredeemably awful and highly unlikely to have changed enough to treat you well. She may want you back in her life because she realises she's getting old and wants people around to look after her. She may well want you around because she misses having someone to abuse. Or because she cares about appearances enough not to want a public rift with one of her children.

It doesn't matter. The question is, can you even bear to go there? She may not be up to physical abuse any more, but want if she is still as emotionally and psychologically cruel as before? Are you going to get any benefit from contact with her, and if so, what? Are you prepared for her to have contact with your children, and are you satisfied it would be safe to do that?

Do not let anyone guilt you into contact. Only have contact if it suits you and benefits you.

yoshipoppet · 31/10/2013 11:18

She is not your mother. Mothers love their children as you will know from your relationships with your own children. She is merely the body which gave birth to you. You owe her nothing at all, and I think from reading your posts you know this.

Original poster
bongobaby · 31/10/2013 12:05

Im still in bed at this time of the day under my duvet as I have no energy. I feel absolutely broken and not coping. It's such a horrible feeling because I'm a get up and brush it off person normally. I'm not being a very good mother to my one dc in the half term as I'm not paying the attention that is needed. Guilt all over again. My head is clouded and my heart is hurting. I'm so grateful to you all more than you will ever know for your words and support.
If I gave her a chance it would feel like I am looking for her approval of me how messed up is that? It's hard to accept get my head around that even my own mother doesn't or ever loved me or my siblings, it makes me feel shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
bongobaby · 31/10/2013 12:09

Fraumoose thank you for the link

OP posts:
Original poster
bongobaby · 31/10/2013 12:15

I never saw it as abuse just the normal, that was how it was in our home everyday. This is what I'm also finding hard. I sound like such an idiot, feeling sorry for myself and should get a grip I suppose.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 31/10/2013 12:34

feeling sorry for myself and should get a grip I suppose

No, you are (quite understandably) feeling hurt, sadness and maybe anger over what was done to you all those years ago. I think abuse can make us feel deep shame, as well as blame. That is what abusers do-they put all their anger and self-loathing onto the victim and make the victim feel it and carry it for them.

Please do now what you mother did not: take care of yourself, try not to judge yourself too harshly, forgive yourself even, and understand that you have worth and are not to blame for what happened to you.

And if you write that on a big piece of paper then stick it on the fridge, so much the better.

Goldenhandshake · 31/10/2013 12:35

Bongo her being your 'mother' (and I use the term here very loosely) is a mere coincidence of biology. She was no true mother, she was an abusive monster and does not deserve to shine your shoes never mind play any meaningful role in your life or your DC's lives.

I echo other posters who have urged you to seek counselling, it will most likely be a massive help both in terms of laying the past to rest and accepting that it was her behaviour that was abominable, and also helping to rebuild your shattered self esteem.

Please do not allow this creature within a mile of your front door, no good will come of it, call me cynical but my best bet is she is attempting to target you and use your inherent fear and awe of her stemming from childhood, to manipulate you into helping her out in her old age. I have no doubt that had she been successful, she would have started up the emotional abuse at least within weeks of any reconciliation.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 31/10/2013 12:36

please get some proper support for this or it will keep coming back to you and fucking you up. You are worth more and have to believe it, none of this was your fault do not give her head space she does not deserve it. look for a counsellor or some sort of support or therapy to help you make sense of all this and become strong enough to look her in the eye and say NO to having anything at all to do with her, ever.