want to shoot myself now (wedding related)

[cantreachmytoes]

I can't believe I'm starting this thread, because I can't believe it's going to really be happening. My BIL is marrying his partner. She got a civil partnership with him 10 years ago, after he proposed, because she doesn't believe in marriage. They have two children.

She didn't come to our wedding at the last minute because her 6 month old had reflux (DH's sis gave birth a month before our wedding and made the effort - which I thanked her for again after I'd had my first!!), insisted her son be a page boy, refused to dress him in what the other boy was wearing (I was paying and it was a grey suit), sent him in a Mickey Mouse tie and got given the top layer of our wedding cake (ok, not her fault, but we were planning on saving it and she didn't deserve it!).

Now, sort-of SIL has form for being a witch ..um.. manipulative cow ..umm, not very nice in general, but to me in particular and when people aren't around to witness. DH is totally on board, can't stand her, knows what she's like and is the only person in the family who will stand up to her, but can't do it as often as he'd like, because his family think he's making trouble (even though they agree with the reason!). Her kids are the most important in the family, the most musical, cleverest, most difficult to deal with (thereby making her a "super mum" - her words - for dealing with them - she was going to write a book about dealing with difficult children, detailing all her troubles - riveting reading, I'm sure!).

They are French (DH is French) and the civil partnership in France is nearly the same as a civil wedding, with inheritance being the main difference and tax an issue too, but not huge.

So, WHAT IS THE POINT IN GETTING MARRIED (BIL hasn't come into money and isn't about to die)?! The only thing that makes sense to us is that it's about attention. I had my "big day" (I didn't actually view it like that), our SIL had hers and now, at age 43, or thereabouts, she wants hers. If it was just about their relationship, there's no need to do a big white wedding. As every family event ends up being about her anyway, this is going to be utter hell. And it's already started..theirs is going to be the "biggest wedding".

I would laugh, if I didn't have to be involved, hear about it and could get out of going.

DHs family are too scared of confrontation to stand up to her, so this will get messy.

I'd love to say that I'm happy for them, and I am happy for BIL, because it's what he wanted, but I'm already stressed. I'm going to have to play happy families and pretend I'm super happy for them (her) and that this is some magical event, rather than what we all know it is and nobody will say to her or BIL. We don't even live in the same country, but bloody Skype "brings us all closer"!

It's kind of like The Emperor's New Clothes: everybody knows what it's about and everyone pretends not to. If they'd just said they'd never had a big party and wanted to have all their friends and family there, I'd be a lot more positive.

Give me strength, mumsnetters, please! And if you know who I am in real life, email me (or send me a bottle of something strong). The wedding's in August, so I'm going to need some help in the next months!

You sound jealous and bitter but she dies sound a little annoying too.

So what if she does want her "big day" isn't that the point of a wedding? Maybe they didn't want it ten years ago but now do. I had a tiny registry wedding but we will probably have a big one one day when we can afford it. That's up to us though.

I'd say either don't go or go and keep quiet.

Oh yes and reflux pretty much puts your life on hold for as long as they have it. I even had to extend my mat leave because dd was so bad with it.

Fluffy - I've tried, I've really tried, but then she starts on one of her "games" and manipulating me or subtly humiliating me.

I should perhaps add that DSIL thinks she's jealous of me and that's why she does it (DSIL has noticed a few of the things). She put it down to being because I'm "foreign" so trump her "uniqueness" from her radical political views in the family. That was a shock for me because I don't even think about the fact that I'm not French, I just think we're all European, but I have language ishoos that I'm trying to solve.

I do need to get a grip though. I don't like myself for feeling this way. I've never felt like this about anyone before, or if I have, I don't remember, because I could take myself out of the situation. With this, family, I'd gladly remove myself from all events she's at, but I want to spend time with my children, husband and his family all together and there aren't any events that she's not at (other than our wedding and DC1's christening - oh, and a niece's christening for which she had no role either).

It seems to be how she treats you that's the root of your problem and (in my opinion) leading to a lack of perspective on your part.

When she says something that
A) annoys you, but isn't aimed at you
B) is aimed at you and is rude
How do you feel and how do you react?

I'm wondering if we can give you some alternative ways of reacting (and I think the two scenarios A and B require a different strategy).

Sorry, that last post came up late.

Honestly, I know I need to get over it! Maybe that's why I'm posting about it.

I'm not jealous of her though. I'm not sure why that seems to be shining through to some people. I don't want any part of her life, her beliefs - I don't even want people pandering to me the way they do her (although that annoys me!), out of fear of upsetting her.

I've got other friends who got married after living together for ages and it hasn't even crossed my mind to be anything other than happy for them, because it is a happy, exciting event. Then again, none of them gave lectures on how marriage shouldn't be part of our society...

To answer some points: my wedding was in my DHs home town, the same place she came a couple of months later with the baby who had worse reflux than any other baby and it was even worse for Christmas and Christmas is a much longer and drawn out affair in this family than my wedding was!

Zippey - one on one for a weekend she'd not be too bad to me, it's when the family is around that it ramps up. The attention seeking stuff wouldn't change though.

CSI - the thought had crossed my mind ;-) but I'm not nasty enough to do it!

LifeOfPo - that is essentially her tactic (nice as pie in front of everyone). I might need to play her at her own game (will be seeing her at Christmas). It's just so exhausting and I don't want to stoop to her level.

Can't remember who suggested the "Did you mean to be so rude?", but thanks! That's something that'll probably be great too. How could I have forgotten that?!

To everyone who says I sound like a bitch/obsessed etc, I agree. I'm not normally like this. Really! I think that I've made such an effort to fit in, learning French, the customs from DH's area, the customs from her area, so I don't upset people, can fit in (rather then stand out because of a difference), can be involved in the greater family life, then there is a huge emotional investment. When I'm then toyed with quite deliberately and in various ways because of gaps in my knowledge, it's quite upsetting - especially when this effort is all one-sided. So the whole attention-seeking side of things sits on top of that. Perhaps the extra effort I've made is something I have to separate from the situation and that'll make me more detached.

I don't understand what the problem is,

You don't like her so you won't be going to the wedding, so why is bothering you?

I almost never say this, but, whilst I completely get that you came on here to vent (and that's useful), why do you CARE??

She sounds like a bit of a PITA in some ways, but you don't have to agree with her that her children are the best etc, but nor do you have to get narked about it. I'd just think quietly to myself "silly cow" and let her get on with it...

Don't go. Don't initiate any contact with her. Don't visit. Don't write. Don't call. You detest this woman, and any contact just makes you obsess about why you hate her. That's okay, I know a person who does that to me, too. I avoid her like the plague. Do the same.

Seriously, be 'ill' for the wedding. You do NOT have to go. You're a grown up and perfectly capable of making your own decisions.

Hi Vivacia

Yes!

In response to the first one, I have to say that it depends. If its the first day, I'd probably just ignore. If it's after a few days, I'd probably make a face, but want to scream!

For the second, part of the problem is that I don't usually click at the time she says it. Sometimes I do, but often I realise a minute or two later, or after I've asked DH what a word means. When I've told her I don't understand, she ignores me or starts with the rudeness/humiliating comments.

What also annoys me is that on the attention-seeking side of things, all my ILs are aware, don't like it, because they are, often inconvenienced directly by it. They hate confrontation though, so NEVER say anything and frequently actively enable it, just to avoid a conflict. I don't care on one hand, it's their choice, but it means that if I'm anything different to them, it stands out and the ILs don't like it (and I like them a lot, so don't want to do anything that upsets them) and feeling like I'm powerless doesn't sit well with me.

I can't not go to any family event for the rest of my life, especially when I like my ILs. I need to sort it out.

Sorry, I think I only read the first page, or X posted so I see you've added more info.

You really shouldn't accept an invitation to celebrate their nuptials, if you feel negatively about one or more of the participants.

How would you feel about calling her on her behaviour? Even if half an hour has passed you could ask her to clarify what she said, "Did you just say that I am always..?".

For annoying stuff not aimed at you, I'd probably laugh and call it what it is, "Ha! I love the way you always say your son is the best at everything. You're so funny".

In fact, I think the seeing her as soooo amusing (and telling everyone you do) strategy might be quite fun. "She's so funny isn't she? She used to say how evil marriage was, and now look at her choosing wedding favours!".

LOL Vivacia, yes! It's even got me laughing, which is a great start!

Do it!

And then report back.

This is affecting you so badly that you want to shoot yourself? Seems a bit of an over-reaction.

She wants a wedding - that's her choice. And if she'll enjoy a big fuss type of day - again, her choice. Why is it upsetting you so much?

(Yes! to the top tier... 'Oh, I thought it was the traditional thing to do as you took mine, and I know how much tradition means to you')

Another way of calling her on the rude things she says... 'You know, my French is still not good, I thought you just said that .... but I'm sure that you didn't actually say that did you? '

In fact, if you could generate some of the floaty PG Woodehouse eccentric English vagueness with an appropriate tinkly laugh to go with it that might serve you very well.

Another thought... start recording all the conversations on tape 'to improve your French' then you can replay exactly the bit - and come out with 'Oh, yes, you did actually say that!...

I think if you go, you have to make a conscious decision to just rise above everything. Enjoy the rest of the family, take full advantage of the champagne, laugh in your head at any Bridezilla-ness.

If you have to engage with her, love-bomb the woman into submission. See it as a game which, if you won't exactly win, you can't lose.

You could keep out of the build up and just turn up and stay calm on the day, after all, it's only one day of your life.

Or, you could insist your DCs are page boys / bridesmaids, and make sure you get them mickey mouse ties to wear.