Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

want to shoot myself now (wedding related)

69 replies

cantreachmytoes · 29/10/2013 21:59

I can't believe I'm starting this thread, because I can't believe it's going to really be happening. My BIL is marrying his partner. She got a civil partnership with him 10 years ago, after he proposed, because she doesn't believe in marriage. They have two children.

She didn't come to our wedding at the last minute because her 6 month old had reflux (DH's sis gave birth a month before our wedding and made the effort - which I thanked her for again after I'd had my first!!), insisted her son be a page boy, refused to dress him in what the other boy was wearing (I was paying and it was a grey suit), sent him in a Mickey Mouse tie and got given the top layer of our wedding cake (ok, not her fault, but we were planning on saving it and she didn't deserve it!).

Now, sort-of SIL has form for being a witch ..um.. manipulative cow ..umm, not very nice in general, but to me in particular and when people aren't around to witness. DH is totally on board, can't stand her, knows what she's like and is the only person in the family who will stand up to her, but can't do it as often as he'd like, because his family think he's making trouble (even though they agree with the reason!). Her kids are the most important in the family, the most musical, cleverest, most difficult to deal with (thereby making her a "super mum" - her words - for dealing with them - she was going to write a book about dealing with difficult children, detailing all her troubles - riveting reading, I'm sure!).

They are French (DH is French) and the civil partnership in France is nearly the same as a civil wedding, with inheritance being the main difference and tax an issue too, but not huge.

So, WHAT IS THE POINT IN GETTING MARRIED (BIL hasn't come into money and isn't about to die)?! The only thing that makes sense to us is that it's about attention. I had my "big day" (I didn't actually view it like that), our SIL had hers and now, at age 43, or thereabouts, she wants hers. If it was just about their relationship, there's no need to do a big white wedding. As every family event ends up being about her anyway, this is going to be utter hell. And it's already started..theirs is going to be the "biggest wedding".

I would laugh, if I didn't have to be involved, hear about it and could get out of going.

DHs family are too scared of confrontation to stand up to her, so this will get messy.

I'd love to say that I'm happy for them, and I am happy for BIL, because it's what he wanted, but I'm already stressed. I'm going to have to play happy families and pretend I'm super happy for them (her) and that this is some magical event, rather than what we all know it is and nobody will say to her or BIL. We don't even live in the same country, but bloody Skype "brings us all closer"!

It's kind of like The Emperor's New Clothes: everybody knows what it's about and everyone pretends not to. If they'd just said they'd never had a big party and wanted to have all their friends and family there, I'd be a lot more positive.

Give me strength, mumsnetters, please! And if you know who I am in real life, email me (or send me a bottle of something strong). The wedding's in August, so I'm going to need some help in the next months!

OP posts:

QuintsHollow · 30/10/2013 08:33

How big is their gift list.

Original poster

cantreachmytoes · 30/10/2013 08:37

Ok, ok.

I'm on phone, so can't address names easily.

My wedding wasn't, in fact about attention. I made a HUGE effort to have it small, very small. In hindsight we should have eloped and had a party afterwards. Not everyone cares as much about "the big day" as the person they'rearrying.

As for changing her mind, well. She is socialist to the point of communist, as is her family, and somehow has linked that marriage has no place in society, according to her.

I know I sound like a bitch, I hate myself for it and honestly try to ignore her, not let her bother me, get a grip, give myself a talking to before I see her, but she always finds a way to get past it! My French is ok, but not good enough to understand nuances or fine details. I've learned it specifically to speak to my ILs, the rest of whom are lovely. She plays my lack of fluency almost every time we've met.

She sees no problem with out of the blue comments such as (I'm an expat for work reasons), "You couldn't pay me any amount to live away from my family, they're FAR too important to me."

NeverBetter - that's it. It's hard when you've not been around her to imagine just what happens. I know I'm not imagining it though, because of DH. In fact, before I met her, he was very clear that she was a witch. I thought that was harsh and decided to ignore his warnings. She seemed really friendly at first and as my French improved, I started to understand what she was doing.

And reflux. I know it can be horrendous. When your first child is the worst everything/best everything (and I mean EVERYTHING), your second is then the same, the event (my wedding) will not have you exactly where you want to be (front and centre) it's really hard to believe it was as bad as she was making out. To this day, her children, both, are the best and the worst still, (to which the only accepted answer is "poor her"), but everybody else sees them as normal kids. And a few months after the wedding was Christmas, reflux still REALLY bad, apparently, yet she managed to come to the family gathering for a few days (and turn it into an event around her and her eldest).

And for not going, the cheeky mare asked "Do you have any plans for August" just after telling us. We're in the middle of new baby fog and didn't have the where with all to lie - in fact, we're not great at that sort of thing anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

cantreachmytoes · 30/10/2013 08:39

I just clicked on the costume link. Hilarious!

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 30/10/2013 08:42

So, WHAT IS THE POINT IN GETTING MARRIED (BIL hasn't come into money and isn't about to die)?! The only thing that makes sense to us is that it's about attention ... It's kind of like The Emperor's New Clothes: everybody knows what it's about and everyone pretends not to.

Oooh you sound awfully bitter and twisted OP :( Not good. Not good for you.

The bit about her not attending your wedding (because of her babies reflux) and then you pointedly saying how your DH's sister ''made the effort'' is not nice. Sorry.

For your own sanity rise above this. You're sounding jealous. Let it go.

fluffyraggies · 30/10/2013 08:45

X posted with you OP. But i still think you need to and let it go a bit

If she really is as bad as you make out then she sounds unhappy. Most folk who crave to be the center of attention are, deep down.

SeaSickSal · 30/10/2013 08:49

It's none of your business if she's decided to change her mind about getting married. She doesn't have to answer to you about decisions about her personal life.

It's none of your business if they decide to have a big wedding. Just because you had a small wedding doesn't mean the rest of your extended family are now beholden to do the same.

It's not for you to dictate to her when and if she and her baby are well enough to go to family events.

The examples of her behaviour which you've given make your hatred seem totally out of proportion. The wedding is ten months away and you already seem to be in a frenzy of anger about it.

I have to say I think you need help with how you deal with your feelings because they seem far too intense for the situations you describe.

Yes some of her behaviour would be frustrating or irritating, but your reaction is way overboard. YABU.

SomethingOnce · 30/10/2013 08:50

Hmmm, OP, just decline the invitation.

Could you persuade a close friend to get married the same day and claim a conflict?! (Or maybe invent this close friend.)

SeaSickSal · 30/10/2013 08:51

Incidentally asking if you have any plans for August in France is perfectly normal. That's les vacances.

trixymalixy · 30/10/2013 08:54

What seasicksal said. YABU.

Honsandrevels · 30/10/2013 08:57

People don't die at set ages. Anyone can die at any age so just for that yabu.

cory · 30/10/2013 08:57

So she didn't want a marriage, your BIL did. And 10 years later they are getting married- and it's bound to be her fault?

Wouldn't the normal assumption be that it is his idea because he wanted it? Is there any reason for assuming it's her except that it's annoying you and anything that annoys you must emanate from the family member you find annoying?

Original poster

cantreachmytoes · 30/10/2013 08:57

Fluffy - I've tried, I've really tried, but then she starts on one of her "games" and manipulating me or subtly humiliating me.

I should perhaps add that DSIL thinks she's jealous of me and that's why she does it (DSIL has noticed a few of the things). She put it down to being because I'm "foreign" so trump her "uniqueness" from her radical political views in the family. That was a shock for me because I don't even think about the fact that I'm not French, I just think we're all European, but I have language ishoos that I'm trying to solve.

I do need to get a grip though. I don't like myself for feeling this way. I've never felt like this about anyone before, or if I have, I don't remember, because I could take myself out of the situation. With this, family, I'd gladly remove myself from all events she's at, but I want to spend time with my children, husband and his family all together and there aren't any events that she's not at (other than our wedding and DC1's christening).

OP posts:

LifeofPo · 30/10/2013 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippey · 30/10/2013 09:10

I agree with some of the comments above which say this anger isnt good for you. Have you thought about booking a weekend away, just you and her so you two can bond together? You sound quite alike one another, maybe thats why you clash? But this weekend away might find that you have more in common than you had otherwise though.

SomethingOnce · 30/10/2013 09:14

Bloody hell, zippey, are you actually trying to make OP implode?!

CSIJanner · 30/10/2013 09:14

Goto the wedding. Take her top tier. Mwah har har har!!

misskatamari · 30/10/2013 09:15

She sounds like a bloody nightmare. For your own sake you need to find ways to deal with her though and stop her comments getting to you. By letting her get to you you are letting her have a negative effect on your life, and it's just not worth it. When she does start maybe the good old mumsnet "did you mean to be so rude?" Could come into play? Or develop a "look" you can shoot her which lets her know that you know what she's doing and aren't going to bother responding to her bitchiness. The wedding is months away - please don't let it eat you up until then! She's just not worth it!

DoudousDoor · 30/10/2013 09:16

I'm not really understanding all your bitterness but I do get that you don't like her. I think it's skewing some of your responses to be honest.

Travelling with a reflux baby is not fun so I'm not surprised she missed your wedding (especially if it wasn't in France)

Again, August most people tend to be on holiday for 3-4 weeks so asking you if you're free does seem logical.

If you're not even in the same country, why do you need to be in contact with her about her wedding plans? Either accept the invitation and see them next summer or decline the invitation and don't.

No need at all to be involved in the preparations.

As for when you see her, you need to take a deep breath, let her chatter wash over you and learn the gaelic shrug. It can be very useful.

conkertheworld · 30/10/2013 09:16

zippey have you been on the sugar cubes?

Have you tried being rude back? Just snort with laughter and her comment and then say sorry, like you don't mean it and go and find your DH.

fluffyraggies · 30/10/2013 09:19

It sounds like she isn't going to change.

It's hard to help in detail, without knowing the finer details of how she tries to manipulate or humiliate you - but i think you need to focus on damage limitation!

How do you deal with her at the moment? At family get togethers, where she is playing queen bee, how do you cope? Enhance these strategies!

I have a SIL who is ... the golden girl of the family, shall we say. Only girl out of 4 children. High achiever. Big earner. Her DS1, now 6, who for a long time was the only grandchild, is always referred to by MIL as 'the baby' and is, of course G+T beyond belief.

Family gatherings are dominated by her and her DCs. Despite there now being 2 more GC toddling about (and my one on the way). It's all about ''when is SIL going to arrive? when is SIL going to leave? and What can we all do to make it all revolve around her? Lets all stop talking and sit and watch SIL put her DS on a potty in the middle of the room''. Grrrr.

I tend to just take a deep breath, tell myself i know what its going to be like when we get there, and try to enjoy the company of the rest of the family. I chat to queen bee SIL - she's ok in short bursts. MIL is lovely apart from her obsession with 'baby' ( ) DHs brothers are a good laugh, and my other SIL is lovely too.

Morloth · 30/10/2013 09:20

If you can't be happy and pleasant.

Don't go.

It isn't about you.

boardcreche · 30/10/2013 09:22

YABU - she wants a wedding, it's really non of your business why, Don't go. or go, enjoy being wioth your family, it's a wedding you will hardly have to see the bride, she'll be so busy. And if I were you I'd try to deal with this obsession with her.

Vivacia · 30/10/2013 09:25

I think that what a lot of posters dont understand is...

I'm one of these posters. Just opt out.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 30/10/2013 09:29

I don't like my SIL so I sympathise - but why not see her wedding as an opportunity to see the rest of the family?

her attention seeking at other people's events must be very annoying - but when her and BIL are getting married its their day and you need to be ok with that.

CalamityKate · 30/10/2013 09:31

Well she sounds annoying but really, whether or not she should get married is nothing to do with anyone else. You sound a bit obsessive about that.

Flip

1 2 3