AIBU to want to fling all baby books over nearest hedge?

[Rollermum]

Previously in my life I always research everything online and with books. I've done the same now I have a DD. As she is 5 weeks old I am aware it is too early to try any advice really, let alone routines on sleep etc, but am reading to prepare myself.

BUT all of it just seems / feels unfeasible and I've read so much contradictory stuff that I just feel confused and exasperated.

AIBU to think I should ignore everything or will there come a point where some of it will help. I'm very sleep deprived and would like to be able to sleep for 3+ hrs one day! Other than that I don't care about routine.

Any books you loved and found useful? And before I get flamed I know every baby is different - just want a handle on whether searching for an answer is pointless.

I have one baby book which has been brilliant. It is called "Raising Happy Children" by Jan Stimpson and Jan Parker. It covers birth to the end of primary school. It is calm, consistent and has lots of real parents talking.

I didn't need anything else (although I like www.parentchannel.tv too) but I do 100% agree that the early weeks and months are the ones where the books are least useful - you just do what you both need to do in order to survive.

I am the same, and I found the same. Everyone has a different opinion - the fact that you understood this when your baby was 5 weeks is a great improvement on me (I spent at least the first 3 months in a frantic panic trying to do the 'right' thing, when as you mention, the 'right' thing is different in every single book/ expert opinion you read!). Now I just tend to google any question I have, and usually end up looking at mumsnet threads to see what the consensus opinion is. It has been much easier with Dc2 as I trust myself and have confidence in my own abilities - as I do for new issues with DC1 now, it just took me a few months to relax and realise that those giving opinions in books weren't necessarily correct, and that opinions were exactly what they were giving! Not fact.

I don't think it helps that I'm a scientist in RL!

Don't dismiss the whole lot - pick and choose! All these books and pieces of advice are just options. But you may come across ideas that you like, and ideas that might help you solve challenging situations along the way.

The sleep deprivation is really something else at your stage, with my second DS I resorted to co-sleeping with him in a baby balcony attached to my bed from the start, to survive. A baby hammock that can be attached to the ceiling has also been recommended to me.

And above all congratulations!!!!!

You have to take them with a pinch of salt. Also in my experience there are some children who, if you do what the book says, you will get the outcome the book suggests you will. There are others where it just won't work like that.

Use your own instincts first and foremost, but keep the books just in case you want to look up something in particular later on.

I've mentioned this before on here but theres a book called 'Why Love Matters' by Sue Gerhardt.

I read and reread this book because it reinforces and explains the overwhelming feelings of love and devotion I have for my babies and how giving them love and attachment will help them grow into caring and conscientious people.

Congratulations on your new baby and well done for keeping a level head! I've found mumsnet is better than any baby book for practical advice.

You've found out the truth - the baby hasn't read the book!

Yanbu. Avoid reading anything by Gina Ford in particular.

I read a sleep book and picked up some basics that made sense to me:

blackout blinds
no cot toys
no mobiles
etc etc

followed a crazy loose 'routine' after a month - bathed at 6.30, sing song, feed bed

and then I followed her own ques and she seemed to settle into her own routine by herself. it was great because I didnt force her into some unreasonably strict routine, but felt that by layong a v loose and basic groundwork it enabled me to not be a slave to the baby iyswim

Baby Whisperer worked for me, all of it made sense. Congrats on your little girl

Its not the book its the baby.

Some babies have their own routines which may, by sheer luck, seem like a routine from a book.

Others have no routine at all, rather their routine is cry, feed, wake up the minute you put them down, 10 min power nap, cry feed etc etc.

Ds1 was the former. Woke up same time every day, feed, gurgle, nap, feed, gurgle, nap, sleep at night.

(I didn't even have a book!)

If I'd had a baby book I'd probably have put it down to that and be recommending the book to everyone.

I was so pfb and so convinced that this wonderful easy child was due to my superior parenting skills, that I used to tell other people what I did, and assume that this would work for them too.

Then I had ds2. NOTHIng in our parenting style had changed (apart from not being pfb obv). But he was totally different. In fact one friend seeing me after about a 10th night of constant feeds, laughed and said 'and are you doing all those things you told me to do?'

Just follow your own baby's routine.

Some of the stuff in books is useful,as a guideline, but there really is no magic wand. What works for one,will not necessarily work for another.

I have 3 children . Each was very different. Try stuff. If it doesn't work,try something else. The only thing I can suggest for sleep deprivation is try to get a little sleep when the baby does. I breast fed on demand,and it is very tiring,I wasn't prepared for just how much, the first time.

By number 3 I was less anxious about everything and it all seemed so much easier.

the only book I found remotely useful was Dr green toddler tam

fuck!!! toddler taming.

unfortunately noone understands your baby, and your family like you so hey you ARE the expert.

mumsnet is fantastic. take advice but do what's right for you.

my 4 were totally different babies/toddlers/teens so it's a new page with each baby.

I have an almost holy admiration for books - when religious fundies burn books, for instance, it makes me cringe.

But after a few weeks of trying to obey that that damned Baby Whisperer tried to impose, DP and I gleefully put hers through the shredder.

They can be enormously helpful - but only can.

Sometimes you read a book and you think, oooh, I suspect that might work for me and/or my baby. I read Jo Frost's baby book and really liked it, and the pattern of a day she described looked like it would fit in how we were already starting to manage our days, and it did - it also helped fix our nap problems and after a few weeks made a big improvement on the nights as well.

It's certainly not pointless to look around but all you can do is read books from the different schools of thought - Baby Whisperer, Gina Ford, AP-parenting etc - and see if any seem to 'talk' to you. For example, if your baby feeds regularly for short periods of time and only catnaps, it's unlikely that suddenly introducing a GF routine is going to work at all. That's if you want to read books, of course.

If I was to recommend one book it would be Jo Frost, mainly as it has a lot of sensible information for a clueless new mum (as I was) but then has her own version of an EASY routine which we adapted. Though I would say if you want to try to introduce a routine/pattern to your day, don't be bothered by the times in any of the book routines. Adapt them to your baby. If your baby sleeps 8-8, don't change it all just because a book says it should be 7-7! Just take the rough outline and work with it.

But do remember that there are 000's of books out there, so if trying what you've read in one book doesn't suit your baby, that's perfectly normal, and there's no sense of failure etc at all. Some babies like to wing it, some like a bit of routine. 5w is very early to know yet what your baby might prefer.

I didn't read any baby books but I did read lots of chat forums! I came here!

Everyone (including people on the forums!) kept saying, only you know what is right for your baby, and your decision is always right. However . . . I didn't really know what to do. So I looked for extremes/varied opinons . . . kind of to know where I was fitting in (or if I was doing something completely different/harmful).
Mainly though I skipped over things until I read what I wanted to hear and then felt a bit less alone in deciding whatever dilemma there was at the time. Maybe I should have read more baby books.

Really I could have done with some family or friends! But was quite far from anyone for the first 8 weeks after my first baby.

I ignored all of the books I had bought and just did what I felt to be right. It is all so dependant on the baby - something that works for one baby will not work for another....
I wasted a fair bit of time on night feeds reading these books!!

Best bit of advice I ever got was to not trust any books your baby hasn't read! ;-)
Trust your instinct and use your common sense!

YANBU. I have a baby who struggles with naps. I have read a lot to try to help with this. Baby whisperer made me feel like the worst mum on the planet. I know she's not popular on MN but I found DD fitted quite well with the GF daily routine!

I would recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley to get into good sleep habits. The wonder weeks is good but you can get an app on your phone which u find easier than consulting a book. The best book to make you feel 'normal' and like you're doing ok is 'What Mothers do - especially when it looks like they're doing nothing'. It's not prescriptive, it's more an observation of motherhood. Really interesting and reassuring.

Read What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadler. It's basically all about that experience of bewilderment you've described. It doesn't tell you what to do but makes you feel better about what you're already doing iyswim.

I agree the no cry sleep solution is great for very gentle sleep training.

Harvey Karp's book (I've forgotten its name - the one with the 5 'S's) was really useful in the early says, his techniques calmed dd down when she cried.

Other books were most useful when placed under dd's mattress to raise her head when she had a cold

Do you have an open fire? They are probably more use to burn and save on fuel?

YANBU to want to, at all. Books can be great, can give lots of ideas and strategies to try, as long as you take them with a pinch of salt and a dollop of humour!

If at all possible, cherry pick the bits that make sense to you, acknowledge that all babies are individuals, and try to ignore anything that make you feel as if you're not 'doing it right'. And then the books might be vaguely useful.

If, however, you are the kind of person who tends to take what you read as gospel and will get stressed if your baby does not 'conform' to what any of the books say, chuck them straight into your recycling bin!

I never used a book or any advice from any website or magazine with my dc1. I did everything instinctively. It was good because I had nothing to compare to or any rule to abide by. We just plodded along and she was a perfect baby and toddler. I suppose being 24 I was pretty naieve and went into it with my eyes closed. It worked out well. Sometimes too much information can be bad too.