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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

a question about a birthday

28 replies

ChangeyChangeyBaby · 29/10/2013 13:56

Am I being unreasonable to invite a boy who has been mean to my toddler to my toddler's birthday party?

Ds will be 3. He's mentioned a boy in his nursery group a lot, not always in a good way.
There's been an incident which resulted in an injury (to my son) not too bad but enough to leave a cut and bruise.

Previously to this lots of stuff from my son about the boy (though he once said he was his best friend) including '[name of child] not coming to my birthday?'. Also stories from one other mum about his behaviour towards her son which I have tried to put in perspective and not wanted to get involved in other people's disputes/perceptions.

My instinct is to invite all the kids from his group, I don't want to encourage exclusion at such a young age plus I think it is important to be kind. I have encouraged my DS to tell this boy that he doesn't like it when he is mean and that it's not kind etc.

However my mum has now said that as DS is expressly saying he doesn't want the boy at his party I should listen to him and respect his feelings. The party will be held in a public place (outdoor play thing) and there will be lots of kids there who are not at his party. 50% of the time the kids will be playing on the equipment under the supervision of their parents.

What would you do?

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 29/10/2013 13:59

Not invite. At that age the other child won't know he is excluded, but your child would definitely notice if he were there.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2013 14:00

I would tell him to make a list of his 10 most favourite friends and just invite them.

As long as there's more than about 20 kids in the group.

I hate whole class/group parties because as you've proved, no-one can be expected to get on with everyone.

redskyatnight · 29/10/2013 14:03

How many in the group? I don't think it's on to not invite one child, sorry. Especially when he's so young (and it sounds like they have been friend in the past). Is it likely DS will change his mind by next week (i.e. it's a transient preference)?

LoisWilkerson2 · 29/10/2013 14:23

Oh dear, I never invite whole groups for this very reason! Just ask your DS to pick 2/3 children, a car full, how would you feel if it was your DS left out? If you do have them all there just keep an extra eye on Damien!

woodlandwanderwoman · 29/10/2013 14:24

Do you know many other parents from nursery and do they also do all inclusive parties?

How big is the class?

If not, don't be the first to start and as above let DS choose who to invite and maybe have some non nursery friends too.

Original poster
ChangeyChangeyBaby · 29/10/2013 14:29

thanks for the responses.

It's a private nursery and the groups are small so I would actually be inviting all the ones from his small group (about 10) and a few others from another group (of the same age) who have previously invited him to parties. plus non-nursery and family friends.

It's very close to Christmas so I am expecting a lot of people will decline the invite.

I forgot to say that DS has spoken about this boy in his sleep sometimes and been quite upset, so my mother's instinct is really screaming at me to not invite him so perhaps I should follow that instinct rather than trying to be inclusive.
Other parties have ranged from 10 - 20 kids and have mostly been held in play centres with bouncy castles and that kind of thing. The other boy has been to a couple of those parties, pretty sure DS hasn't been invited to every party.

OP posts:
LoisWilkerson2 · 29/10/2013 14:36

That's a shame this boy has upset your DS so much, does his mother know? You should maybe tell her so his behaviour can be nipped in the bud now, three is very young to be getting excluded from parties but that's not your problem. Not sure what the answer is now! Don't invite but be prepared for his mum to ask why?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 29/10/2013 14:41

Don't invite.

I mean even at your own age who wants to be forced to have people they don't like at their own bday party?! Fair enough to be adult and grown up if random play date, but bday parties I think get a teeny bit more personal desire than politeness. Least IMO anyway.

woodlandwanderwoman · 29/10/2013 14:45

Wow, alarm bells. I totally agree.

Choose somewhere fun with a small capacity, pick a handful of close friends from nursery and tell everyone else you have a large and very high maintenance extended family Grin

More worryingly, you should talk to nursery about the other boy and ask what's happening, good luck, it must be terribly worrying to think he is being upset. Please don't invite the other boy, it's your DS' day to feel loved x

Original poster
ChangeyChangeyBaby · 29/10/2013 14:47

don't want to give to much info because I wouldn't want to upset the mum but though I don't know her we are in the same circles.

Ds will leave the nursery next year and it's doubtful that he will see this boy again. I just feel sad because he seems like a nice enough kid - one of the first things he did when I brought my DS back to nursery after the injury was offer him his lego.

If my son wasn't being so vocal perhaps I wouldn't think twice about it but because my mum has said that I need to respect my son's feelings on this I am thinking inviting him might be the wrong thing to do?

OP posts:
woodlandwanderwoman · 29/10/2013 14:48

If I could just add... It's for reasons like this I think it's really important for kids and parents to have friends / support network outside school where possible. If a child is unhappy in one place at least having friends elsewhere will help to sustain their confidence and security x

Original poster
ChangeyChangeyBaby · 29/10/2013 15:09

he is really happy in the nursery, and the staff there are great.

I am starting to think that not inviting him is best. He has a couple of 'best friends' there who will be coming.

OP posts:
Davsmum · 29/10/2013 15:12

If you are inviting all the kids from your DS's group then you should invite that boy.
They are very very young and to be the only one left out is horrible.

Its an awkward situation though.

KathrynKampbell · 29/10/2013 15:17

I wouldn't invite him. I never understand the "he'll feel left out" point of view. Why is this child's feelings about being left out more important than OPs feelings about not having someone who upsets him at his party?

KathrynKampbell · 29/10/2013 15:17

OPs son's feelings*

Davsmum · 29/10/2013 15:23

Because the kid sounds like he has problems already and being left out doesn't help does it?
OK its not the OPs problem - but the children will be supervised and the OP could discuss it with the boy's mother.

ooerrmissus · 29/10/2013 15:34

OP either invite the whole class, or invite just a few. But please please do not leave one child out.

My ds was in the position of being the only kid not invited to a party. It was a deliberate decision, the teacher even checked to see if his invite had been accidentally forgotten. He was devastated; having nightmares and waking up crying. He was 4.

He was left out because he had once bitten the birthday boy.

Two weeks later they were best friends.

At this age friendships come and go very quickly.

And to those people who ask why they should invite someone you don't particularly like to your party: imagine this. Everyone in your office gets an invite to the bosses drinks party, apart from you. Wouldn't you be upset?

Original poster
ChangeyChangeyBaby · 29/10/2013 15:37

Davsmum - this is the way I was thinking too. To exclude him is not nice. So my instinct was to invite them all and just see who turns up. It's Only since the injury incident that I have thought twice about it and also since my mum spoke up saying DS should be heard which I do instinctively agree with.

I am parenting in a 'gentle parent' kind of way so I don't want to cause my DS any distress but I also don't want to exclude a child that I feel is unlikely to actually injure my son at the party and who I think may have some issues that contribute to his behaviour. The main issues being that he is the tallest boy in the group by a long shot so physically more intimidating but that is hardly his fault, and also that his language doesn't seem as developed as most of the other kids so I wonder if he lashes out because he finds it hard to communicate.

I want to be fair to all but DS has obvioulsy been upset by recent events.

It's a toughie and all the advice is making me go from one decision to the other. I am trying not to focus too much on the issue with my son, so I don't ask probing questions as there is still time for this child to become 'my best friend' again and perhaps DS will be less concerned in a couple of weeks.

OP posts:
Davsmum · 29/10/2013 15:37

I heard about a headmaster who has banned parents from bringing invites in to hand round to other parents at his school.
He said so long as they invite EVERYONE in the class that is ok - but after one mother invited everyone apart from ONE child he decided that he did not want the school involved in this sort of thing.
He has told the parents they can organise things outside of school.

Vivacia · 29/10/2013 15:38

If most of the kids are going, I wouldn't leave him out. It would be a good opportunity for you to see him "in action" and/or to speak to his mum (at that age I think parents should stick around for the whole party).

However, I say this because at three years old I don't think my son was that aware of other personalities at nursery apart from his two close friends (and even they were more playing alongside him rather than with him, in my opinion!).

Original poster
ChangeyChangeyBaby · 29/10/2013 15:39

I promise I won't leave one child out, I might just have to restrict the invites to his very best friends so that more than one is 'excluded'. To be honest I am not sure how likely it is for the other parents/kids to know who hasn't been invited as not all the kids are full time etc.

thanks for all the input - it IS helping.

OP posts:
Davsmum · 29/10/2013 15:41

I am parenting in a 'gentle parent' kind of way so I don't want to cause my DS any distress but I also don't want to exclude a child that I feel is unlikely to actually injure my son at the party and who I think may have some issues that contribute to his behaviour.

I understand what you are saying and I think you are really thoughtful both to your son and to this other child, but children have to learn to deal with some distress. Wouldn't it be better for your son to see the child CAN be ok rather than to just think the child is a horror?
You won't always be there to protect your child all the time so surely it is better they learn to deal with situations.
Your son is not being thrown into a lions den - its a controlled situation?

KathrynKampbell · 29/10/2013 15:58

I don't think his birthday party is the place for learning about dealing with some distress though really. He should be enjoying the day and not worrying about what this other child might do.

I think if you are worried about him feeling left out OP or his parents feeling left out, invite a smaller group. That way your child is happy and the other child will have other children who also aren't invited. At 3 though I would have thought its the parents who will really care, not a 3 year old.

SunshineMMum · 29/10/2013 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegreylady · 29/10/2013 16:08

I would never leave out just one child from a group.Just make sure there is supervision.Surely at that age his mum will be there too which would help.