Chicken pox

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I genuinely don't know whether I am here, so be gentle!

I have a 4 year old DSS and a 21 month old DD.

As it is half term, my DP has taken most of the week off to spend with DSS, who is coming to stay for the week.

My DD broke out in chicken pox this morning. It is a very mild dose so far - just about 10-20 blisters at the moment. She is not bothered at all!

Out of courtesy, we told DSS's mother, who has forbidden him from visiting us this week and won't even let DP go over there to see him in case he infects him.

Obviously, chicken pox isn't great and should probably be avoided. However I felt a sense of relief when 8 yr old DS got it aged 3 and now when DD got it because in my book it's one of those childhood things that needs getting out of the way.

My argument is:

1. DSS was here all weekend and spent the whole day with DD before the spots appeared. If he was going to be infected by DD, in all likelihood he already has been.

1. He is at school now and the chances are, he will get it in the next couple of years. As it's most contagious before anyone knows they have it, it's pretty bloody hard to avoid it.

1. He is a strong, healthy boy. He is unlikely to have any severe complications.

Now, I would hate to see DSS suffer, of course I would, but I also think that DP has planned a whole week and to have that cancelled when in all probability in 2 weeks time DSS will break out anyway having already contracted it from DD and it is a real shame.

I think DSS's mum is being a bit paranoid and was wanting to persuade her to reconsider.

Feel free to say I'm being reckless with the health of DSS and heartless to boot, but I just want a straw poll of opinion on this.

Thanks.

Yabu she has every right to try and limit exposure to this, yes he may get it anyway but he may not.

How would you feel if he came to stay, got it and then had serve complications, yes its rare but it does happen. Think how you would feel knowimg it could have been avoided.

Yes kids get chickenpox but why knowingly expose them to it when you dotn have to?

Yabu, chicken pox can be really nasty, even for otherwise fit and healthy people.

Do people do this within their own families then? Quarantine the children away from each other? They are siblings. It's not a majorly different situation. I wouldn't send one of my children to their grandparents to avoid exposing them, for instance.

Just wondering.

Well if you normally all live together there is not much you can do but yes to trying to limit exposure.

This isn't the same,e situation tho, exposure can be avoided so why knowingly expose the child and take that risk?

He's probably already caught it. It's contagious for 14 days before the spots come out.
A shame for your dss to miss out on family fun, I agree.

I don't think YABU at all, she should let DSS come.

I am guilty of being a bit disappointed today as I was convinced yesterday that DS had some chicken pox spots and was relieved as I thought it meant getting the inevitable out of the way, and a doctor friend told me that at almost 1, it is a good age to have it as he's strong enough for it to not be dangerous, amd young enough to not scratch the spots. Anyway, it turns out that he doesn't have it! Not entirely sure why he is being such a grump over the past few days!

Don't some people hold 'chicken pox parties' with the sole aim of infecting multiple children on purpose? Or is this a myth?

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here, and in your situation I think I can see where your dss's Mum is coming from and ultimately, it's her decision. She's taking it to the extreme by stopping your DP seeing his son though.

It can be avoided by ruining everyone's half term.

Ok IABU. I get the message. I'm just getting a massive amount of grief from an upset DP, who is somehow blaming me for DD having it and I'm annoyed about it. Don't be harsh. It's just a frustrating situation.

Your do if he has had chicks pox is fine to see his son, he won't give it to him. So she is being unreasonable in that respect.

Like someone else said he's probably already caught it. Not sure where I stand on this though as his Mum might not get that or just feel she'd rather not risk it anyway.

She's wrong to think your partner could give it him by visting as you can't catch it that way, has to be direct contact with the person who has it.

doodle babies under one year are at higher risk of getting complications, yr Dr was wrong. Yes stupid people hold chickenpox parties.

There was a mnetter last year whose 13mth old? Got chickenpox and has ended up with continued problems, he ended up in ICU as it spread to his brain, perfectly healthy child but it still happens.

Why would you knowingly increase the risk of a child getting it, how could you live with yourself if they were the 'one' that had complications?

Since if he does come down with it its his mum who will have to look after him then yes it's her call. It is possible to get chicken pox twice though not common so it is possible that your dp could be contagious too unlikely but not impossible.

Well you're assuming a lot about her being the one to take care if him if he's sick! He has 2 parents. He's here every weekend and one night in the week. Another 2 nights are spent at his grandparent's and DP usually has him if he's dick because his work his more flexible than hers is!

Sorry - it's not really relevant, but it's a sore point and the assumption just wound me up slightly!

I think it's fair to assume that the child's primary carer would be the one to look after him if he was sick. The fact that her work isn't flexible when her child is sick is another very good reason to avoid intentionally making her child sick!

I think his mother is making absolutely the right decision, and your feelings or your DPs feelings shouldn't be more important than the health of her DS - good for her for not being afraid to make a stand on this one. Too many people are casual about chicken pox and it can have (rare) devastating side effects. She's being a responsible parent.

However, it is not your fault that your child has the pox, and your DP cannot carry the pox to her house if he has already had it. These are the areas that should be addressed.

I just re-read my reply and it sounds awful. I am NOT disappointed that my DS hasn't got chicken pox, but it is just that there was a small part of me that would like it over and done with as I know it has got to happen at some point, and at the moment I am still off work so can stay home and look after him myself. Also, information I was given (which I now realise to be incorrect) made it seem like now is the best time to have it. My post made it sound like i've actively been attempting to infect him and that isn't the case at all!

I am a good mother, honestly!

My DS gave chickenpox to my DH. For DS (aged about 3 at the time) it was minor - about 20 spots and a mild fever. For my DH, it was a different story; very high fever and his skin was like one large blister, it was hard to see where there was normal skin and that was just on his outside - it went to where the sun don't shine too!

So my question is what is your DSS protecting her DS from? CP is an inevitability and the older you are when you get it, the worse it can be.

doodlethere is lots of misinformation about chickenpox and a suprisingly blase attitude often even amongst medical professionals. its shocking really.

three of my five have had it and were fine. my younger two havent had it, how ds4 has avoided it i dont know as almost every child at his pre-school got it one term.

YABVU.

I have just started a second round of chemo if your DSS was one of my DS friends and DS came out in chicken pox again, which can happen, I have to have even more drugs pumped into me to stop me getting it again, which can happen as I am immunosuppressed. If I did catch it again I could end up with meningitis.

Stopping your DP ( and obvs DSS father seeing him) does seem extreme. But you don't know whether she or DSS has a friend in this situation either.

Thanks. I know I'm unreasonable. I've already said that. Anyone else want to pile on and tell me what a horrible person I am?

And actually, I'm not doing anything other than being upset, disappointed and frustrated. If anyone wants to tell me that's unreasonable then knock yourselves out. I've just about had enough of everything at the moment.

I get it. I'm thoughtless and horrible and a bad parent. None of this is news to me.

Don't beat yourself up OP-you sound like a great mum and step mum. Obvious you just venting your frustration at changed plans. Lots of people underestimate chicken pox. Hope it passes soon-get the calamine in!

I don't think you are being unreasonable! If your DSS was around DD immediately before the spots came, then she was there when DD was infectious.

Your frustration is understandable and it is not even for yourself!

To add to some of the above. I was about as fit a teenager as it's possible to be. I'd beat (rare) colds within 48hrs and NEVER caught a flu until I was 39. Prior to that I thought flu was people making a fuss about a cold. While fitness might prevent a bad infection from being even worse,, if you're susceptible it's gonna get you. Like the poster's DH above, my dose of c-pox, aged 16, was NASTY. I was on holiday, felt fine and caught a bus from Leeds to Bradford. Started feeling hot and was glad to get off. Shortly after, started feeling sick in stores and had to go outside for fresh air. Then got a headache and knew I needed to get 'home'. Less than 2 hours from fine to ill. When I got back I found ONE blister on my belly. Headache got worse and I could only avoid puking by lying in bed. Couldn't eat or keep anything down except water,, and that'd come up if I got up. After 2 days I was covered in spots and they were as bad internally. Throat, lungs, eurethra, arse, nose and eyelids. The only plus was that I felt a bit better by the time the spots reached their peak, but the first 2 or 3 days were hellish. 5 or six days and the spots had burst and began scabbing and itching like crazy,, esp anywhere boney. Still have scars today on my back/shoulders. Two to three weeks before I could go out without frightening people. Point being, MAYBE being fit saved me from death or long term complications, but it certainly didn't save me a major dose o' pox. It didn't save me from scarlet fever 4 years later either. Maybe it spared me mumps - my mum sent me to an infected friends house in vain - or I still have it to look forward to. I'm ambiguous as to whether you or SSs mum are correct - I think these things will get you if/when you're susceptible irrespective of anyones' wishes,, and fitness is of little consequence.

Someone with chickenpox is most infectious from one to two days before the rash appears from nhs website

not 14-21 days before.

OP,
Sorry for your frustration DP is the one being unreasonable for blaming you. If he has had chicken pox there is no reason he cannot see his son so DSS mum would also be unreasonable. These things always seem to happen at inconvenient times.