Chicken pox

[lifeissweet]

I genuinely don't know whether I am here, so be gentle!

I have a 4 year old DSS and a 21 month old DD.

As it is half term, my DP has taken most of the week off to spend with DSS, who is coming to stay for the week.

My DD broke out in chicken pox this morning. It is a very mild dose so far - just about 10-20 blisters at the moment. She is not bothered at all!

Out of courtesy, we told DSS's mother, who has forbidden him from visiting us this week and won't even let DP go over there to see him in case he infects him.

Obviously, chicken pox isn't great and should probably be avoided. However I felt a sense of relief when 8 yr old DS got it aged 3 and now when DD got it because in my book it's one of those childhood things that needs getting out of the way.

My argument is:

1. DSS was here all weekend and spent the whole day with DD before the spots appeared. If he was going to be infected by DD, in all likelihood he already has been.

1. He is at school now and the chances are, he will get it in the next couple of years. As it's most contagious before anyone knows they have it, it's pretty bloody hard to avoid it.

1. He is a strong, healthy boy. He is unlikely to have any severe complications.

Now, I would hate to see DSS suffer, of course I would, but I also think that DP has planned a whole week and to have that cancelled when in all probability in 2 weeks time DSS will break out anyway having already contracted it from DD and it is a real shame.

I think DSS's mum is being a bit paranoid and was wanting to persuade her to reconsider.

Feel free to say I'm being reckless with the health of DSS and heartless to boot, but I just want a straw poll of opinion on this.

Thanks.

Feel free to say I'm being reckless with the health of DSS and heartless to boot, but I just want a straw poll of opinion on this.

You are!!

However, if she is that bothered about him getting it, she should pay for him to have the vaccine. If I had known about it before my DC caught it, they would have had it.

Possibly the Boy would get chicken pox at a time that was inconvenient to the mother? Some weeks would be better for me given the choice.

YANBU to be frustrated. But there isn't really anyone to be frustrated with. Just an unfortunate set of circumstances.

My DSs have had the vaccine and I still wouldn't send them to a house where I know someone has chickenpox.

He won't carry it on him to hers so could go visit and take DSS out. I worked with a child with chickenpox last year and went straight home from work to my baby DS. He didn't catch it.

How could your DP infect his son? Is that possible? Assuming your DP has already had CP?

I think the mother gets the final say on this. Sorry OP.

You know, in a lot of countries they vaccinate against CP. It can be very nasty for some, I'm surprised it's still on the go in the UK actually.

Right. I am not very well at the moment. Having major problems, so know that I'm overreacting.

It's just that you're all talking as though he's a visiting child who doesn't live here. We are his family. It is his sister who has chicken pox. Families manage these things without sending their children away.

Yes, I get it and we won't expose him any more than he has been (which is a considerable amount, as he was here when she was most contagious)

What is upsetting me is that his mother (there is a massive amount of history here that is irrelevant here, but she never wanted him, blames my DP for making her pregnant and doesn't have him with her if she can find a grandparent or someone else to look after him. As I say, we have him if he's sick. We usually have him for the holidays, we have him every weekend) is getting the whole 'primary carer' who gets to make all the decisions role by all of you.

DP has to fight her every step of the way for everything, so if I took her refusal to let him near as bloody-mindedness it's because that's what she's like.

I was seriously ill with chicken pox as a child, after my DSis had had it very mildly. Maybe your DSS's mum has had a bad experience with it herself, and therefore views it differently from you OP. Glad that your dd is not suffering, anyway!

I knew you there'd be bad blood here.

This isn't really about chicken pox is it?

I'm sure "blended" families are very challenging OP, I don't envy you. Sounds like you really care about your step-son. Just focus on that - his mother is your DP's concern.

He should be allowed to go and see his Son. Has your DP had chicken pox himself? If so there is no reason for him to stay away. And even if he hasn't it's only the infected person that needs to stay away. If his son was here at the weekend he may well have it anyway. You will probably have to accept him not coming to you (otherwise there will be no end of grief when he gets it) but she is being VU not letting your partner see his son. He could go for day trips.
Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks. I know I'm being stupid. It's just a really sensitive subject - it's like everyone's saying he doesn't belong with the rest of us. I wouldn't send DS away right now if he hadn't had it. Similarly, if DSS had come down with it first, he would have had to be here while he recovered and I wouldn't have sent DD away either.

It's not ideal, I get that and I would hate for him to get it and be ill, so yes, we won't see him this week.

Just out of interest, though, if you have one of those letters from your children's school that says someone in your child's class has chicken pox, do people with healthy children keep them off school?

I have no idea where she caught it from, by the way. No one at her childminder's has had it recently.

And I'm not ignoring the question - yes DP had CP as a child.

YANBU at all. it goes around all the time, a couple of times a year at least in my experience. some kids miss it for a good few years when it's gone around their whole nursery/class, some kids never get it, but most do. and since it's most contagious BEFORE the spots appear, you're as likely to pick it up from standing next to a random kid in sainsburys as anywhere else. (if it's any consolation, my ds1's stepmother refused to let him in her house for several weeks when it was going around our school, even though ds1 didn't even have bloody c pox... i don't know if she walks around in a hazmat suit every day)

I've had chicken pox twice, and I suffered terribly both times. My sister has never had it. I wouldn't deliberately expose her to something so nasty tbh, it's not really relevant whether your daughter is suffering or not, it has no bearing on how another child will cope.

FFS. Have you read the thread? I GET IT! IABU. I knew. He's not coming I know. I get it. As someone else said, it's not really any that. You're ok listening to me. He is a member of my family. This is is home. Everyone is talking as though his being here is optional. He is one of my children. So you all send your well children away when another is sick?

Anyway, obviously no one sees this the way I do and I'm being unreasonable. I get it. Can people stop telling me that I'm endangering DSS. I'm not. He isn't coming.

OP you sound like a lovely considerate parent/stepparent. It sounds like an difficult situation and your obliviously trying to do right by both children.

I'm a single parent with no family around and would (and wish I had) have separated my 3DCs up when one got CP. I would have avoided the others getting it if possible. That's all that's happening here. He might have caught it but you are removing any extra exposure. Not allowing DH to see him is unfair.

My DS had very serious complications and its only the bossyness of MN that saved him. He was very fit and healthy until then, we don't know who it will affect and how badly but let him catch it in his own time no matter how robust he is.

You obviously value your time with DSS but separate your DCs for now.

sorry Her not allowing your DH to see him is unfair/unnecessary.

Actually I don't think YABU. If she desperately doesn't want her son to get chicken pox she could easily get him vaccinated. Both my girls are vaccinated so I don't have to worry about them getting it. Unless they are vaccinated any child is at risk of getting chicken pox whenever someone else has it. He is bound to get it at some point.

Don't get upset by what people say.

If one of my kids was sick with an infectious disease and I had the option of not having their sibling around I would use that option. Indeed if one kid has the vomits during holidays and family offer tohave the other one, off they go.

It is optional for your DSS to come this week. Or he would be there.

It is sensible to keep him away in this instance. I get that there is more going on, but you can't slate her for this particular decision.

I have to say you are getting a really hard time here. I have read plenty of threads where the OP is the step mother wanting to stop contact because DSC has a contagious illness and the usual response has been that the child is part of the family and should come anyway. Not sure why this is different. It's worth bearing in mind OP that most people on MN seem to be much careful about the spread of illness, particularly CP, than anyone I've met in real life.

That being said I rearranged my work so that my DD did not have contact with her cousin when he had it when she was 13 months purely on the basis that if she did suffer any complications and I'd knowingly exposed her I would feel terrible. I can understand where she is coming from.

Try not to take any of it too much to heart OP, I've been mostly lurking on MN and two of the biggest triggers on MN seem to be spreading illnesses and step parenting. Your thread has both so strong opinions are to be expected.

OP your DH is unlikely to catch CP again and even if he did wouldn't be infectious just yet so can't see a problem with him taking his DS out.

BTW DH and BIL both got CP as adults. Both were very ill with BIL getting complications. DH wishes he had been deliberately exposed as a child (yes I know complications can affect children too but the risk is much higher with adults).