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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think i should have been consulted? long!

36 replies

qwertygal · 28/10/2013 22:49

DP earns significantly more than me, we are currently saving for a deposit for a house, a wedding and for future DC (none atm unfortunately).

Occasionally he gives his family money to help them out. Now if they were hard done by I wouldn't mind but they have been on 3 hols this year - not to mention other luxuries (well what I'd say were).

They have been used to a v good lifestyle and no doubt they do need to cut back now that their situation is different. But I feel like these cash handout s do put us back every time we make progress.

I recently found out that he gave them a large sum of money of the 4 figured kind as they have incurred some unexpected costs which are likely to continue for the foreseeable future (not medical). And I suspect this won't be the last large payment.

What upsets me is that I am continuously cutting back, budgeting and trying to get us where we need to be but he did not consult me about it - had he done I would have said it was too much and offered around half. I don't begrudge helping them out its just we are at a crucial time for saving in our lives and I think it's unfair or one party to make decisions like this on their own.

I feel so worried for feeling like this as I do love his family (mil,sil,bil,nephew) but I do find it unfair that they would this of us.

Long post but aibu thinking he should have asked me how I felt? And for resenting seeing our savings go down for them to stay in a much better lifestyle than most ?

so guilt ridden for posting this

OP posts:

Lottiedoubtie · 28/10/2013 22:51

Yanbu, you're either a financial team or not IMO. And if not, not a lot of point in saving for those things.

RandomMess · 28/10/2013 22:54

It sounds like something you need to resolve before you have dc together and get married.

It's not okay IMHO for one person to unilaterally make "big" decisions without the agreement of the other.

BlastOff · 28/10/2013 22:54

I think that given that you aren't married, you don't own a property together, and don't have children together (ie no shared financial responsibilities that you've mentioned) that it is his money to do with what he likes. That he earns more than you does not particularly alter this. What is an acceptable standard of living to them is not up to you either.

NotYoMomma · 28/10/2013 22:54

I wouldn't put up with that at all! I would be stamping it out now and having a serious sit down talk with dh

there was a thread in relationships recently where a dh kept bailing out his rich mil and it was utterly utterly shocking it had got to that point.

JackNoneReacher · 28/10/2013 22:54

Whilst I admire that he values his family. If you are cutting back while they are going on holiday something is wrong...

It would be even worse if you had dc and this was happening. Alarm bell?

BlastOff · 28/10/2013 23:00

I might agree with the other posters if you had any shared financial responsibilities, but you don't mention if you live together, bills etc? What are his thoughts on this when you bring it up? How long have you been together?

Original poster

qwertygal · 28/10/2013 23:06

I feel rely awful because it is a credit to him that he is so kind and in all honesty I don't begrudge them anything as they really are fabulous people, I just feel a bit betrayed that I wasn't asked how I felt about it, particularly since I get a grilling about me paying for my sis and I to have lunch out once a month
As the amount was more than I would earn in 2 months I think it could just be a bit of bitterness.

I think he would be devastated if he knew I felt this way but I just can't bring it up because I don't want to seem ruthless and mean.

OP posts:

JumpingJackSprat · 28/10/2013 23:07

What do you mean you get a grilling if you go out for lunch one a month?

BlastOff · 28/10/2013 23:10

The grilling would be more of a red flag to me than the money without discussion tbh.

SeaSickSal · 28/10/2013 23:11

It sounds like he may not be as into the idea of buying a house, getting married and having kids as you are.

Original poster

qwertygal · 28/10/2013 23:12

We live together and just tend to pay for things as and when. We don't overly focus on splitting,just share I guess. We don't have large expenses the only thing we separate is our cars and petrol as I drive a long way to work and he doesn't. We have been together about 5 years.

OP posts:

NotYoMomma · 28/10/2013 23:12

can you not just discuss it regarding you as opposed to them?

like say you are planning the saving for the house/ wedding/ kids and were just wondering (so not confrontational) if this will be a regular thing as you are struggling to see what you have and can save without being consulted?

if you cant have a Frank conversation without devastating him thats a bit daft if you are marrying him! couples can generally voice their concerns/ opinions without arguing or crushing the other party

Original poster

qwertygal · 28/10/2013 23:14

Well not a grilling as such but a moan that I take my student sister somewhere nice for lunch on my payday as a chance for us to catch up.

OP posts:

NotYoMomma · 28/10/2013 23:14

I would say he has a capacity for financial abuse already tbh with your last post!

a grilling for taking your sister to lunch while he doles out thousands in loans to his family?

is he for real?

NotYoMomma · 28/10/2013 23:15

you need to confront him about it as he obviously has no concerns about voicing his opinion on your spending.

Retroformica · 28/10/2013 23:20

I think I wouldn't mention anything yet but just chat a lot about the wedding costs, house deposit, kids and how much in total they will cost.

Inertia · 28/10/2013 23:21

Big alarm bells here. - money is shared apart from his, bills are shared apart from the ones that cost you the most; he has free rein to dole out shared savings to family whereas you are not willingly allowed lunch out once a month ; he 'grills' you about money spent but you are scared to discuss money with him ?

Doesn' t sound like a great way to start a marriage. I would be putting savings in your own name in your shoes.

Retroformica · 28/10/2013 23:21

You could always suggest you BIL mil etc lead a simpler life

BlastOff · 28/10/2013 23:22

Ok well then I take my original post back. If you've been together five years and live together then I would say that it is a problem. Sounds a tricky situation, but you need to be able to talk it through and rules which hold for him have to hold for you too.

curlew · 28/10/2013 23:27

The most important thing on this thread is him challenging you about buying your sister lunch.

BlastOff · 28/10/2013 23:27

I mean if you decide to have rules then they have to hold for both of you. Ie shared savings belong to you both and are not to be spent on others.

I wouldn't comment on the lifestyle of his family. No good will come of it.

It's hard when one earns more than the other. Could you both put a proportion of your salary into a joint davings account? And then you won't feel any left over he choses to spend on family is taken away from your joint 'pot'?

meddie · 29/10/2013 07:25

I would separate your savings and finances. If he wants to give his ILs money it better be coming out of his savings and not the ones you have cut back to achieve. At least then if the marriage thing doesnt happen you would at least have a financial buffer.

Why are you so scared to confront him over this?. He doesnt seem to have any problems questioning you. Or would he get angry with you if you did?

JumpingJackSprat · 29/10/2013 07:47

Agree op this doesn't look good I'm afraid. I would be majorly pissed at him giving away money I had earnt for our joint future at all let alone without consultation. What if you don't get it back? He should be putting you first. And my dp would never moan at me for going out for lunch one a month and I'd be telling him to wind his neck in.

TheGinLushMinion · 29/10/2013 08:43

No way would I be considering a future with someone I couldn't openly discuss finances with.

As for the moaning about taking your sister to lunch whilst he hands out cash to his family as & when he chooses, WTAF???

bludgerwitch · 29/10/2013 08:59

Also, I would say if you are saving for a house together, share bills and he earns significantly more than you there's an even greater financial imbalance if you have to pay for your huge commute, given that you earning a wage and contributing to savings is helping you both plan for a future.

When DH and I were living together before we got married he had a better paid job than me and a short commute, I eared not much ( still do) and about 25% plus of my monthly wage went towards my commute. Commuting was paid out of the shared pot so we'd have a fairer share.

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