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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think i should have been consulted? long!

36 replies

qwertygal · 28/10/2013 22:49

DP earns significantly more than me, we are currently saving for a deposit for a house, a wedding and for future DC (none atm unfortunately).

Occasionally he gives his family money to help them out. Now if they were hard done by I wouldn't mind but they have been on 3 hols this year - not to mention other luxuries (well what I'd say were).

They have been used to a v good lifestyle and no doubt they do need to cut back now that their situation is different. But I feel like these cash handout s do put us back every time we make progress.

I recently found out that he gave them a large sum of money of the 4 figured kind as they have incurred some unexpected costs which are likely to continue for the foreseeable future (not medical). And I suspect this won't be the last large payment.

What upsets me is that I am continuously cutting back, budgeting and trying to get us where we need to be but he did not consult me about it - had he done I would have said it was too much and offered around half. I don't begrudge helping them out its just we are at a crucial time for saving in our lives and I think it's unfair or one party to make decisions like this on their own.

I feel so worried for feeling like this as I do love his family (mil,sil,bil,nephew) but I do find it unfair that they would this of us.

Long post but aibu thinking he should have asked me how I felt? And for resenting seeing our savings go down for them to stay in a much better lifestyle than most ?

so guilt ridden for posting this

OP posts:
DevilsRoulette · 29/10/2013 09:16

It would be a huge mistake to marry and have children with him unless this is sorted out. It's not just going to disappear, is it? You'd be married and have children with a man who felt the finances were not your business and who begrudged your sister a sandwich while chucking thousands at his own relatives.

IT won't end well for you.

Marriage won't change him.

Children won't change him.

But both will tie you to him.

Sister77 · 29/10/2013 10:35

Run run run! No financial ties, you're scared of questioning him but he grills you on lunch for you and your sister using you money?!
Next time he grills you say you give your family money and I don't moan what's with the double standards?!

MimiSunshine · 29/10/2013 11:53

It depends on how you manage money as a couple.
For example if you both get paid and put money for rent and bills in a joint account so that the remainder of your salary is yours to save / spend as you like then neither of you should have any say over what the other does.
This is what me and my OH do and while we're both saving for the same things you are, we don't hold each to account on the monthly ratio of save / spend as we're adults and we know what our ultimate target is and can manage our money accordingly.

However if your money is 100% pooled then he shouldn't be giving away large sums without discussing it with you first.

JackNoneReacher · 29/10/2013 20:08

oh wow... He questions you about the odd lunch but you daren't bring up the topic of thousands of pounds being handed out.

Have the discussion now, not when you're tied with children/shared house. If you can't have this discussion, think if he's really someone you want to marry.

LisaMed · 29/10/2013 20:18

You may like to read this thread here

It will not get better. You will go without more and he will consult you less. You can expect short maternity leave and even sacrifice things for your children so that he continues to send money to his family. Just my opinion.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/10/2013 20:42

He should question how you spend your money but YABU to interfere with his earnings and family.

No joint mortgage, not married and no children so no ties which is how he likely views it. You need to work out if you both want the same things in life and how things would change then. Seperate finances works for many so its not always a bad thing.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/10/2013 20:43

Sorry, meant he shouldnt question how you spend your money. Will teach me to preview.

NomNomDePlum · 29/10/2013 20:55

so you are thinking of entwining your financial future with someone who feels entitled to dictate to you about your expenditure, but won't tolerate mention of his greater extravagances.

think hard about what you want for your life. i think he thinks his money is his, not yours, and yours is his, and not fully yours, too. i wouldn't be happy about this.

and if you decide to stay, do not allow him to put his name alone on any property you contribute to, and do not consider being a sahm. seriously.

mumofweeboys · 29/10/2013 21:23

Hi

Could you start tying up the money you are saving to stop handouts like this? I'm assuming you live together and have some form of joint finances. If you have an account where you are saving for your house, wedding ect it needs to be agreed this cannot be touched.

You need to tell him how you feel even if he will be devastated by it. Perhaps it will be the wake up call he needs to put you first. What happens once you have kids and he is still handing over large sums. You will Ben huge,y resentful as it will be your child he is short changing.

LilTreacle · 30/10/2013 06:53

This rings alarms bells with me, but that may just be my own unpleasant experience of a financially selfish and irresponsible husband (ex).

What is of more consern than this incident of money being given away, is the fact you feel unable to talk with him about it......that he does whatever he chooses regardless of your feelings and you feel you cant challenge that.

Walking on eggshells and avoiding difficult conversations only gets worse with time. If you cant be honest about how you feel, how much will you be compromising and accepting things you dont feel comfortable with in the future.

Maybe he just sees it as his money and he can do what he likes with it.......but the same should apply to you too.....

Maybe he is not aware you might feel rsponsible for the joint savings and want a say in how they are spent and will be more open and inclusive once you talk to him about it......leaving it unsaid basically demonstrates acceptance , and if that is not the case then its best to say now so you can move forward with mutual understanding.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/10/2013 13:09

You need to talk to him. You can't marry a man you can't talk to, marriage is about communication!

And to be honest you need to sort this out now and not ignore it or leave it until you get married or have children.

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