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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To facebook this poor womens friend and ask her to tell her

57 replies

fanjobangogango · 28/10/2013 16:29

I work in a very busy accident and emergency department. It has come to light that one of the staff nurses has gone into staff records and taken telephone numbers of a student nurse and a newly appointed nurse and pursued them. He has had affairs with both of them. He was married in August to a really nice young women. I know she is hoping to have children. She is in her early 20's and is hoping to have children soon.

I am disgusted. There are photos circulating around the department of her DH handcuffed, the whole department are talking about it and the newly qualified nurse came into work for the day after spending a sleepless night in her car.

I am shocked at the unprofessional behaviour which could put peoples lives a risk and also the dis respect being shown to the DW of this nurse. (She is known to some of the team as she is also working in the department)

Should I tell her that her husband is a totally calculated philandering bastard?

OP posts:

skylerwhite · 28/10/2013 17:03

Nepotism?

AmberLeaf · 28/10/2013 17:04

Stay out of it.

How is messaging the wifes friend going to help?

If someone messaged me to tell me that my friends husband was playing away I would feel very uncomfortable at being made privy to that info.

Famzilla · 28/10/2013 17:05

Leave - we have a folder full of staff numbers on my ward too, so we can call them to get shifts covered etc.

Also student nurses work on most wards as part of their training. They are not technically employed but trained by both the NHS and their university.

Tiredemma · 28/10/2013 17:07

"The office has holds staff phone numbers. They need to contact people to cover shifts etc."

this isnt actually 'staff records' is it?

we have something similar on our ward. I wouldnt class this as staff records.

WilsonFrickett · 28/10/2013 17:07

I think you need to keep your nose right out if it, tbh. It's a drama but it's not your drama.

Original poster

fanjobangogango · 28/10/2013 17:09

Sorry I didn't realise the sleepless night in the car was because she was in it with him

No, because she had been kicked out of home due to said affair.

Yes, you are right about keeping things professional but I can't help feeling terrible for this really young, sweet woman.

I was thinking I might contact a friend of hers and see what her friend thinks.

No, he's not a mentor. Interestingly he met DW when she was a student in his dept. I think i'm a bit preoccupied with this as i'm in shock. It used to be a really good place to work, a good team and professional team.

OP posts:

TheGrandPooBah · 28/10/2013 17:10

I wish someone had told me when my ex-H was having an affair. By the time I found out, not only did I have to deal with the devastation of losing my marriage, but also the knowledge that EVERYONE knew and felt sorry for me. And yet no one had the guts to tell me. Just horrendous.

Floralnomad · 28/10/2013 17:11

I agree that its not a data protection issue if he has taken the numbers from the staff phone list ,we have the same sort of thing and if you don't want people knowing your number you don't leave it . I'd keep out of it its none of your business and TBH if his wife works there as well I'm sure she will hear about it soon enough .

Original poster

fanjobangogango · 28/10/2013 17:13

'skyler'

'it means 'jobs for the boys' People employed on the basis of who they are mates with etc

Creates insular cultures in work places, bad/lazy/unprofessional behaviour etc

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 28/10/2013 17:14

'I was thinking of contacting a friend of hers...'

You really are determined to step in and involve yourself in something which is not your concern aren't you? Contacting a friend of hers doesn't address any professional worries you might be feeling so I'm rather uncertain about your motives here.

pictish · 28/10/2013 17:15

I was thinking I might contact a friend of hers and see what her friend thinks.

You are reminding me of Barbara from Notes on a Scandal. You are determined to interfere.

skylerwhite · 28/10/2013 17:16

Do you mean favouritism? Nepotism is about giving jobs to family members, which is why I was confused by it. Anyway, that's by the by. As has been said before, your colleagues' private lives are none of your concern.

Floralnomad · 28/10/2013 17:18

If you don't like where you are working there is an easy answer - leave and find yourself a job somewhere else . This mans affairs are none of your concern unless it impacts on the workplace and if that is the case tell the manager .

toffeesponge · 28/10/2013 17:21

Definitely report to your boss and if they don't do anything about it tell the wife.

pictish · 28/10/2013 17:23

There are two or three affairs going on at my dh's workplace atm (it's a large company). He expresses his derision of their fecklessness, and that's as far as he goes.
If he came home and told me he was going to fb message one of the wronged spouses, I would think he had taken leave of his senses!!

This has nothing...nothing to do with you!

Original poster

fanjobangogango · 28/10/2013 17:23

Well it seems it's 50/50 on whether I should say anything to anyone. I agree it's none of my business. But if we all walk round like it's none of our business then some poor woman is going to have to live with almost everyone knowing she married a complete cunt about 12 weeks ago and being completely oblivious.

Ha ha pictish yes, you are right.

I'm just going to feel horrible every time I see this woman. She is lovely.

I think as Thegrand says, it's the thought of her having to feel so horrible and embarrassed. She is 22 for fucks sake.

OP posts:

Famzilla · 28/10/2013 17:24

I understand it must be difficult working in an already stressful environment if your team has become somewhat fragmented, and how you must feel for this poor woman.

However, what you're proposing is not the right thing to do. At all.

pictish · 28/10/2013 17:25

It sounds as though he is not in the least bit discreet, so she is very likely to find out without your input.
Do not put yourself in the firing line!

Original poster

fanjobangogango · 28/10/2013 17:26

Flora I've got interviews coming up. It's been shit for a while. I think perhaps my anger and frustration and wanting to be all righteous about this is compounded by the fact that i hate my work place culture and it goes against everything that is important to me. Respect, decency, marriage and family life.

OP posts:

octopusinastringbag · 28/10/2013 17:26

fanjo no because it would mean you were also being unprofessional. If I did that in my professional life and contacted the wife of a colleague or a client via face book then I would be looking for a new job the same day.

stickysausages · 28/10/2013 17:26

Is it widely known who the flings are? If so, are they not ashamed?

Original poster

fanjobangogango · 28/10/2013 17:30

It sounds as though he is not in the least bit discreet, so she is very likely to find out without your input.
Do not put yourself in the firing line

I really hope so. This bloke isn't going to change I wouldn't have thought. If I saw her pregnant or with a baby by him I'd feel terrible. It's actually abusive behaviour. It's not just a drunk indiscretion it's calculated and predatory.

I actually feel a bit sorry for the NQ too. If she thought that this was the way to ingratiate herself with the team (week 6 - circulate photos of him handcuffed to a bed) it says a lot about the impression the team are giving.

OP posts:

skylerwhite · 28/10/2013 17:30

I think perhaps my anger and frustration and wanting to be all righteous about this is compounded by the fact that i hate my work place culture and it goes against everything that is important to me. Respect, decency, marriage and family life.

I don't think you are acting entirely selflessly, tbh. This latest post makes it seems that it's all about you.

Original poster

fanjobangogango · 28/10/2013 17:32

sticky they seem to think it's all a bit of a joke and a laugh. They aren’t at all ashamed! (it doesnt appear that way!)

OP posts:

gussiegrips · 28/10/2013 17:33

This sort of thing always bemuses me.

It's not the wife who's behaving abominably. It's him. Have a conversation with him, he's the one you know, he's the one affecting YOUR life as his stupid choices are impacting on your workplace.

Shame him with the facts - he's broken professional standards, he's behaving inappropriately with junior staff and students, it's affecting his professional standing, that you don't want to be in a department gossiping about the fallout of him being unable to keep his dick where it belongs. And, ask whether he's told his wife that she needs an STD test, or has he considered how he's going to explain it when she finds she's got the clap?

The things to NOT do are 1. go anywhere near facebook. 2. tell anyone else (apart from managers about the professionalism. Seriously? Neither of these women were bemused as to how he got their numbers?)

You also have the 3. Do Nothing option. Sounds to me like this will come crashing round his ears soon enough.

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