Or is dh - storming off

[TwoTribes]

The storm hit last night about midnight. I was still up watching tv. Dh had gone to bed about an hour earlier.

Anyway, he appeared in the living room with a sleeping bag and asked me to turn the tv off because it was late. I said why don't you sleep on the airbed (we had one pre-prepared in ds's room).

He said, it's late I've got to get up for work tomorrow, so I repeated, well go and sleep on the airbed then. So he angrily grabbed his sleeping bag and stormed out of the room, shouting You fucking selfish cow, and slammed the door behind him as hard as he could

He was obviously expecting me to stop watching my programme, and go up to sleep on the airbed so he could sleep on the sofa. I didn't see any reason why I should.

Who was BU?

YANBU. If he had a particular need to sleep on the sofa rather than the airbed he should've explained that to you before going to bed. He should not have expected you to relocate just because he decided that he wanted the sofa, he should've seen the lounge was "taken" and simply gone to your DS's room without fuss. Either that or politely asked you if he could have the sofa (if there was some reason he wasn't able to sleep on the airbed of course). And WTF is it with his flying off the handle?! As for the name calling I find that sort of thing really damaging in a relationship and would find it very hard to love someone who did that; it would be a one off or woe betide them that's for sure

ScarerAndFuckItsAGhost OP's DS didn't sleep through the storm, because he was woken by water dripping on him.

littlemisssarcastic no he started off in our bed and was woken by the storm. Then he came down like ScarerandFuckItsAGhost said. Yes, all of this happened after midnight. He probably didn't sleep very well. Our roof was damaged in the night.

I think he was cross because he had to get up for work today and I didn't. But that's why I was up late, because I knew I didn't have to get up.

So why did he want to sleep on the sofa?

RTFT.He went to sleep in his own room.Was woken by the storm.Wanted OP to turn TV off so he could sleep on the settee.God knows why as there was a perfectly good air bed in DS's room.

He was being precious about his sleep. Just ignore him, you did nothing wrong.

Oh, YNBU, he was and very rude too.

just sounds like he was tired and grumpy and you weren't budging. Chalk it up to that and move on! - so, the op should just ignore the fact that her partner shouted at her unreasonably?

I don't know how you can be bothered with drama over nothing. - maybe because her partner shouted at her unreasonably.

LittleMiss I realised that after I posted.

But I was making the point that the children were not woken by the noise of the storm or the noise of the TV, as the OP has been blamed for keeping her DH away with the noise and that wasn't the case.

Surely if the TV were so loud that it woke her DH two floors above, the children would have also been woken as they were a floor closer to the TV.

Her DH didn't start the night on the air bed as you have suggested though. OP says he was in the room they share at first, in the loft conversion.

He started out in his own bed, was woken by noise which the DC slept through on the floor below.

He then asked for the sofa because of the noise in their bedroom but was asked to try the air bed as the DS's room was quieter.

Later on, he was woken for a second time and DS was woken for the first, by dripping water, which is a different issue to the noise one the OP has been getting the blame for. If the roof hadn't leaked, which the OP couldn't have guessed would happen, he would have been fine on the air bed.

If the OP had turned off the TV and gone to the air bed he still would have been woken by DS and OP fetching things from the kitchen to catch the drips from the leak.

It sounds like nobody had a good night's sleep, and it was nobody's fault, but the OP wasn't unreasonable to ask him to use the air bed on the quieter floor of the house.

She couldn't have foreseen the water leak later on and still would have had to disturb him while she fetched the things from the kitchen even if he had been on the sofa.

But he was unreasonable for expecting her to stop what she was doing just because he said she should and for swearing at her and slamming doors when she asked him a reasonable question about using the air bed.

Howlsmovingcastle I do feel that I need to say something to him. I expect he will apologise and say he was tired. I don't think that's any reason to behave like that but there's nothing else he can do really, it's done now he can't turn back time. I just wish he hadn't spoken to me like that and slammed the door. He wouldn't accept that behaviour from our children even if they were tired or angry.

I don't think any of what I just said made any sense

But at the time the DH came down from his own bedroom and asked for the sofa, neither of the DC's had been woken by the noise of the storm.

One of the DC's was woken after DH asked for the sofa, because the roof had started to leak. Regardless of whether the DH was on the air bed or the sofa, he would have been woken again at that point by the need to fetch something from the kitchen to put under the drips from the leak.

OP could not have foreseen the leak when she said she wanted to continue to watch TV and asked DH to just use the air bed. But even if she had, DH still would have been disturbed by her fetching things from the kitchen.

OP was not unreasonable, everyone had a bad night in the end and would have done so no matter where they slept, because of the leak that happened later on in the night to the argument about the DH wanting the sofa.

I think I've made more sense of myself this time

Yes ScarerAndFuckItsAGhost it was a disturbed night all round except for dd who slept through everything.

Well no, of course he can't turn back time, but he can acknowledge that his behaviour was poor and that he will try not to behave like that again. It's about showing respect, isn't it?

Scarer the OP did mention that their bedroom has a rattly roof which is noisy and the DS's bedroom is more sheltered. I think probably the OP knows her own house.

I don't get your meaning Snatchoo.

Are you saying she should have known the roof would leak before it happened?

Well I still think it is weird to call you selfish, specifically. It's almost as if he thought there was something blindingly obvious there, that you were just refusing to see.

I would start by asking him why he thought you were selfish. By the time he has realised that he has no logical reason to call you selfish, he will probably also realise that he needs to apologise.

I'm sure she does know her own house, as does her DH.

That's why they put the air bed up in their DS's bedroom, so one of them could sleep on it if the noise from the storm was too bad in their own bedroom.

They were expecting the children's rooms to be quieter than their own, and until the leak that was the case.

OP was accused on here of having the TV on too loud and keeping her DH awake, which wasn't what happened.

And then it was suggested on here that her DH had already been sleeping on the air bed when he decided that he wanted the sofa, which also wasn't what happened.

And again suggested on here that her DS had been woken by the storm, which was sort of what happened, but not by the noise. He was woken by a leak that happened after she asked her DH to sleep on the air bed in the DS's room.

And regardless of who had the air bed and who had the sofa, they would both have been woken once the leak started because the one on the air bed would have had to go downstairs to the kitchen, waking the one on the sofa, to get something to put under the leak.

But I don't think either the OP or her DH could have predicted the leak, no matter how well they know their own house.

nope sorry still not getting why he did not just stay in his own bed?

I can get irate about sleeping arrangements and DP staying up late because I know he will wake me when he comes in and I need more sleep than he does.
But I would never swear at him like that or even raise my voice. He has no right to speak to you like that.

In your position I'd respect the fact that he's at work in the morning and give him the comfiest option of sleeping.

But I do understand your side of it too, so I can't say you're being unreasonable.

That didnt help much did it!

We've had a chat. He was still really pissed off with me and said that he thought I had been selfish. I asked him why and he said 'You know that airbed is uncomfortable'. So I said, no I didn't know that and if that was the case why didn't he say so.

Then he said he was angry and tired and didn't have time for a discussion. I said that he had time to shout and swear at me and slam the door but he didn't have time to say 'That airbed is too uncomfortable for me'? So he agreed he should have said something but he was very tired.

I told him that calling me names and swearing at me was not on at all and he agreed that he shouldn't have done that but he was angry. And I said was he trying to justify that behaviour and he said no but he was angry. It took him a while to see that there was no excuse for that language. I asked him why he thought he could talk to me like that when he would never do it anyone else, no matter how angry he was and then he saw that it was not acceptable. He then said sorry without a 'but' and gave me a hug.

He said he should have spoken to me properly. He said 'Would you have let me sleep on the sofa if I had told you I didn't want the airbed' and I said 'yes, of course I would, if he had said that there was problem'. He said there was a communication problem and it was his fault for not saying about the bed. He thought I knew he didn't like it and was just being awkward. He hadn't thought of it from my point of view and had stayed angry at me all day.

Anyway, I asked about the door slamming and he said again that he was out of order and he was sorry. He said I hadn't done anything wrong, he had got the wrong idea in his head and instead of talking about it he just blew up. He has assured me that he won't call me names again. So we have made up.

I bought another, more comfortable airbed today which will be good as a spare guest bed. We have all tried it and it's very comfortable. We have pre-arranged where everyone is going to sleep tonight in case of more leaks and/or rattling problems. Dh is tired but is being lovely, has cooked a meal for us all and we are just relaxing on the sofa now, watching tv with our feet up on the airbed.

All's well that ends well. Thank you everyone for letting me bend your ear today. Hope everyone sleeps well tonight.

Sounds like a textbook piece of conflict resolution - lovely to read

I'm glad he said sorry without the 'but' - my DH is a bugger for that!!

Good news, TwoTribes. So glad it's sorted.