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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only want one child....

75 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 27/10/2013 17:13

Me and husband have made the decision to only have one child (mainly because of health problems I have) and when I told this to my mom the other day, not the reason behind it, but just that we only planned on having the one, her response was one of shock/horror! She passed comment to imply that it wasn't 'right' to just have one as it wouldn't be fair on the child.

I have a sister who is only 12 months older than me and I love her to pieces. We are best friends and we had the most wonderful childhood together and part of me feels like I'm doing a disservice by not providing a sibling. My husband has a brother who he can't stand, they never got on as children and still don't as adults, they don't have anything to do with each other. His brother and his wife/children didn't even come to our wedding. It goes without saying my husband isn't too concerned about the supposed 'benefits' of having siblings.

Is it selfish to just have one?

I didn't think it was but I can't get my mom's response out of my mind...
I did explain our reasons to her and although she took them on board she certainly wasn't too convinced by the argument.

OP posts:

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow · 27/10/2013 17:14

It's unreasonable to have a second child because someone else says you should.

The decision is yours and your DH's alone.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 27/10/2013 17:16

No, it's not selfish.

CMOTDibbler · 27/10/2013 17:16

YANBU. You should have the number of children that you and your dh agree on.

You can never predict how siblings will get on - my brother and I have never got on, and he is less than zero support in looking after our parents. DH has two brothers, and though he sees them every few months, wouldn't regard them as friends

Strumpetron · 27/10/2013 17:18

Got fuck all to do with her she needs to butt out.

It's not selfish at all!

My DP was an only child and he's perfect fine.

As long as your liccle un is showered with love and affection (which Im sure he/she is) it doesn't matter whether they have siblings!

Jan49 · 27/10/2013 17:19

It is perfectly reasonable to have only one child. I have only one child, now an adult. He's autistic so maybe his response isn't typical, but he has never ever wanted a sibling.

I had 2 siblings, wasn't close as dc and we're not close as adults. My ds's father had one dc, same situation. Not the close relationships that parents always think they want their children to have at all.

If the subject comes up with your mum, I would just emphasize the health issues.

Minx179 · 27/10/2013 17:19

It's quite selfish of your mum to ignore your reasoning. It is up to you and your DH to decide how many children to have or not have.

PersonalClown · 27/10/2013 17:23

I have one and I'm quite happy with it. He has ASD so I can give him all my time and attention to help him progress as far as he can.
Plus I just have never had the urge/pull for another.

I have 2 brothers and we are not close. I saw them for the first time in months because they picked my son up to go on holiday with my mother.
I won't see them till Christmas week and then it won't be till birthdays after that.

nf1morethanjustlumpsandbumps · 27/10/2013 17:27

It's on unreasonable for your mum to have that response imho. I only have one child due to health issues and that pregnancy almost resulted in the death of me and my son no way would we risk it again. My mum was actually horrified we even tried once as we knew it could be an uncertain outcome.

I'm an only child too and a perfectly well adjusted adult who is neither spoilt nor entitled nor any of the other criticisms often bandied about referring to only children.

TEErickOrTEEreat · 27/10/2013 17:27

It is selfish to expect other people to live their life as you want them too. Your mother is the selfish one.

I have 5 brothers and sisters. I only speak to one of them.

Siblings does not gaurantee friends.

I have an

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 27/10/2013 17:27

I know you are all completely right - isn't it mad how much we still look for parental approval even as adults? Every other family member has understood it when we have discussed not having more children which is why my mom's reaction took me by surprise.

I'm currently pregnant with our first and had to have a lot of medical pre-conception counselling regarding the risks to both myself and baby should I choose to get pregnant so it wasn't a decision we took lightly. Certain family members told me I was irresponsible for even wanting to have a baby and weren't very supportive - that's probably why they are happy to accept another one probably isn't on the cards. I have also had a difficult pregnancy (I have been off sick for 10 weeks) which was just another nail in the coffin really.

I just look at future family holidays and imagine our child there on his own with nobody to play with, stuck with his 'un-cool parents' etc. I just couldn't bear to have a lonely child, bored at home, and feel that we did it to him. To think he'll never be a blood line uncle or have blood line nieces and nephews, well, it just plays on my mind a little

OP posts:

TEErickOrTEEreat · 27/10/2013 17:28

My son will be an only child.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 27/10/2013 17:30

"I just look at future family holidays and imagine our child there on his own with nobody to play with, stuck with his 'un-cool parents' etc."

1 Kids are amazing and sniffing out other kids to play with. From the time they are about 5 you will probably barely see them.

2 You need to start becoming really cool NOW to avoid this eventuality

Lazysuzanne · 27/10/2013 17:32

I'm pretty sure it isnt 'right' to use emotional blackmail to coerce other people into having more children than they want to.

You dont need to explain or justify the number of children that you have, just do what you feel is right for your situation and dont even engage with people who presume to tell you that they know whats best for you.

I'd have been rather cross in your shoes and I'd have told her it was none of her business

Strumpetron · 27/10/2013 17:32

Bloody hell she should be letting you enjoy your first pregnancy/baby without banging on about another one

Honestly, like I said my DP is an only child, a few people in my family are and they never had any problems. In fact most will say they liked it because they had the best of everything and never had to share, have sibling rivalry and arguments....

They'll never have known any different, you can't miss something you never had.

Stick to your guns, you never know you might change your mind later on but that's your prerogative.

I hope to have the one, no more than that

talulahbelle · 27/10/2013 17:32

If I ever manage to get pregnant it will likely be with an only child. I have two siblings, one I don't get on with, one lives on another continent and we talk rarely. My DH has two siblings we are not especially close to. Friends are far more important in our lives.

beals692 · 27/10/2013 17:33

My view is that children have certain needs (love, attention, friends etc) but that these can be met in a number of different ways. As you've said, not all siblings end up being best friends for life. On the other hand, some people remain best friends for life with a school friend they grew up with and have just as close and supportive a friendship as you and your sister have without being related. As long as your child has the opportunity to play with and develop friendships with other children they will be fine.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 27/10/2013 17:34

"Bloody hell she should be letting you enjoy your first pregnancy/baby without banging on about another one"

I know! Seriously. I read that you were still pregnant OP and I was

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 27/10/2013 17:35

Any body can have a view, but it is not them who has to be up in the night when DC is ill, it's not them who has to wipe away the tears, it's not them who for the next X amount of year will have to make sure every basic need of this child.

darkdays · 27/10/2013 17:36

Nothing wrong with only wanting one child. I only wanted one but I had twins. Wouldn't swap them for the world though!

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 27/10/2013 17:36

Also you may adore being a parent and have the desire to have another one.

cupcakeicing · 27/10/2013 17:37

My DS is an only child not really through pre planning, just never felt the pull for a second either.
He is 9 and has a wide circle through school, cubs, swimming etc. His bf has three siblings who DS likes to see when at their house but think he is glad to get home tbh.
DH and I both have one sibling to whom we are not particularly close to.

neversleepagain · 27/10/2013 17:39

That decision is for you and your husband to make, your mother has no right to interfere.

We also only wanted one child initially and when I fell pregnant last year we discovered we were having twins. Now that they are here I am utterly in love and really want more. In fact, I want a whole bunch more.

Wait and see how you feel once your baby is here.

CremeEggThief · 27/10/2013 17:39

YANBU. It is selfish of others to pass judgment on anyone's choice of how many children they would like.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 27/10/2013 17:45

Thanks everyone, you have made me feel so much better about it all

OP posts:

TheFuckersonInquiry · 27/10/2013 17:51

YANBU.

You must learn to be confident about your decision. If I were you I would never justify it of explain it to anybody. It is no ones business. I have three children and no one has ever asked me to explain why

There is also no need for you to tell people that it is your intention to only have one child unless you want to.

Congrats on your pregnancy

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