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AIBU?

To only want one child....

75 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 27/10/2013 17:13

Me and husband have made the decision to only have one child (mainly because of health problems I have) and when I told this to my mom the other day, not the reason behind it, but just that we only planned on having the one, her response was one of shock/horror! She passed comment to imply that it wasn't 'right' to just have one as it wouldn't be fair on the child.

I have a sister who is only 12 months older than me and I love her to pieces. We are best friends and we had the most wonderful childhood together and part of me feels like I'm doing a disservice by not providing a sibling. My husband has a brother who he can't stand, they never got on as children and still don't as adults, they don't have anything to do with each other. His brother and his wife/children didn't even come to our wedding. It goes without saying my husband isn't too concerned about the supposed 'benefits' of having siblings.

Is it selfish to just have one?

I didn't think it was but I can't get my mom's response out of my mind...
I did explain our reasons to her and although she took them on board she certainly wasn't too convinced by the argument.

OP posts:

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Blu · 27/10/2013 17:55

You parent in the way that suits your needs and the needs of our child. / ren Your child will not be all lonesome on holiday because you will take the kind of holidays you all enjoy, and you will choose hols where there is a kids club, or a pool shared with a few other families, or go with friends you make with similar aged kids.

In the same way that parents with lots of children make sure to spend some time alone with each child occasionally, or that each child's preferences get met in the choice of activities etc.

You will be a very happy family however many children you have.

swampytiggaa · 27/10/2013 18:38

DS best friend is an only child. He is lovely and very sociable. We have 5 DC (4 at home) and DS loves going to his friends house to escape his sisters!

We have the friend around and include him in days out etc so he gets the bigger family experience.

teacher123 · 27/10/2013 18:54

I have one DS who is 18mo and I'm 99% sure he'll be an only. He is a lovely lovely toddler, who is affectionate, funny, eats/sleeps as he should etc and yet I still am completely overwhelmed by the constant NEED for me. I don't think I could do it again.

CanucksoontobeinLondon · 27/10/2013 19:19

YANBU, your mother is. I was an only and I survived just fine. The only angst I had about being an only was because both my parents wanted more kids and couldn't have them due to health problems. But that was their desire, not mine. Your kid will be just fine.

foreverondiet · 27/10/2013 19:45

Wait and see but if he does end up being an only child (for any reason, health or otherwise) then its up to you and your DH only.

MidniteScribbler · 27/10/2013 19:53

I'm an only child and never really had any deep yearning for a sibling. DS will be an only child also. Do what's right for you, and let everyone else have however many children they think is a perfect number.

Lazysuzanne · 27/10/2013 19:58

even if there is anything 'wrong' with having an only child (and I dont for one minute think there is) surely it would be far more wrong to have a second child because of pressure from other people when you know deep down it's not what you really want for your own life.

DeckSwabber · 27/10/2013 19:58

Few of us have a family exactly how we 'planned' anyway. I didn't choose to have all boys. I would have liked a fourth but am now glad that I didn't because I think it would have been too much for me.

I have a brother but we don't get on and never have. I think he would have been happier as an 'only'.

My mum was one of six and hated it.

SunshineMMum · 27/10/2013 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/10/2013 20:03

YANBU, upto you the number of children you have.

I only wanted one as grew up in a large family. No one to one time, no time to help with homework, not able to attend clubs etc. With just one i can always be on hand to help with homework, dont have to drag others along to clubs, have the money to do nice things etc.

He is not lonely in the slightest, he can bring friends home whenever he likes and enjoys his own company. After seeing his best friend constantly fall out with his brother he has no desire for a sibling.

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2013 20:06

a) you don't need to tell anyone you don't want anymore, if they ask or if MIL mentions it again, you can just say "we can't have anymore." and leave it at that. If anyone MIL is rude enough to ask why not, you can say you don't really want to discuss your gynaecological health.

b) re family holidays, there are options, you go somewhere that's full of other DCs, you go somewhere with a kids club, you take one of your DC's friends with you on holiday, you go on holiday with another family (sharing a villa type affair).

c) having DCs hurts, is expensive, is emotionally draining, don't do it for any reason other than you really, really want to.

Jinsei · 27/10/2013 20:11

I just look at future family holidays and imagine our child there on his own with nobody to play with, stuck with his 'un-cool parents' etc. I just couldn't bear to have a lonely child, bored at home, and feel that we did it to him.

My dd is an only, not through choice, but because I miscarried her sibling. She isn't lonely at all, and she rarely gets bored. She's very sociable and has tons of friends. We enjoy our holidays as a family as she is comfortable in adult company, but we also go away with friends so that she has company sometimes. It works for us!

QueenMedb · 27/10/2013 21:29

You don't owe anyone an 'explanation'. For some reason, it's something otherwise polite people feel able to comment on, but that's no reason why you should have to enable it. I was happily child free until the age of 39, and people were shocked and disapproving. I had a child. Were they pleased? Nope, they were horrified I wasn't planning to have another.

dollywobbles · 27/10/2013 22:36

My DS is an only, and will remain so.
On announcing my pregnancy to my parents, my DM's response was 'don't let it be an only'.
It had taken me 8 years to get pregnant. I sort of felt that was a bit of an inappropriate comment, really.
I think feelings run high on this subject. For me, I'd have rather been an only when I was growing up. Having a sibling brought me no happiness at all.
I am completely and utterly happy with the idea of not having any more children. Even if I didn't have my history, of struggling to conceive, I don't think I'd be taking steps to have another.

pinkr · 28/10/2013 05:33

I could've written this op! My dd is only 9 Weeks and already people are talking about number two. We always just wanted one and are delighted with dd...I love my sister but my husband isn't close to his brother, we're financially unable to support two children at nursery and I don't want to step out of my career although I am going to only work two days for a few years, I had pregnancy complications that ate likely to be worse next time and I consider us lucky top have emerged unscathed, and i'm 34 now and can't say I fancy doing this any older! I told my doctor I didn't want anymore and she offered birth trauma advice...I told her my birth was just fine and I wouldn't not have another because of one day of pain but because I know my own kind and dh. It is quite annoying the assumptions made.

MyBaby1day · 28/10/2013 06:52

YANBU, I am an only child and LOVED it!!. I also want to adopt just one. However many children you have (or don't have) is your choice and no business of anyone elses. As this thread proves many people now have just one and are happy with it. There are many advantages, more money to go around with just one, you can give your child all the attention, no sibling rivalry and he'll be just fine!. Yeah, sure at times I got lonely but I think there were also other factors at work when I did and I think being an only child is a really cool and unique experience.

Squitten · 28/10/2013 07:18

Don't worry - we're about to have our third and EVERYONE has an unhelpful opinion about that too.

Do what you YOU want and your child will be fine

Laurel1979 · 28/10/2013 07:25

YANBU. I have an only child and we have a fantastic time together. I sometimes get asked why there's "only one" and "surely you want to have more" but they tend to back off when they find out that DD's dad died when she was a baby!

Look on the one child family forum under Parenting for some great responses to this if you need any quick answers for these intrusive questions........

soislife · 28/10/2013 08:49

DD will also be an only child. Didn't plan it that way (I wanted 2, DH 3) but we lost a baby at the start of the year and neither of us can risk going through that again. We get told we will "one day" and MIL also told me I was being "selfish" making the decision and constantly tells me "so and so is pregnant". It was hard to make the decision and I even had counselling, but now I look forward to having a one-child family. DD is a sociable little thing, since she turned 1 (she's now 2) she's been in nursery 3 days a week & we always go to playbarn where she always seems to make a friend! As long as you're happy it's no-one else's business :-)

frogspoon · 28/10/2013 09:17

YANBU

I don't understand why anyone thinks it is their business how many kids you should have.

teacherandguideleader · 28/10/2013 09:21

I am an only and hate it for a variety of reasons - I would not choose to have an only child (however, I realise sometimes it just works out like that).

It is noone's business but yours and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about your choice.

violetbean · 28/10/2013 10:27

DH and I are both only children and we grew up very happy without siblings. We only want to have one child at the moment. Not looking forward to all the comments mentioned above but hopefully our own good experiences and memories will see us through any negativity.

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jeanmiguelfangio · 28/10/2013 11:57

I'm an only and I have one DD, I was questioning another because of all the selfish comments and I really don't want any more. I saw a girl riding her bike and talking to herself and singing. I asked my mum about it. She said were you lonely? Were you unhappy? I really wasn't, I had a lovely childhood, I also didn't have any cousins and was th only grandchild. My LO won't be.
Looking at her laying asleep on me now, I want to be her mum, no one else's. I want to focus on her forever, and now she has started grizzling that has cemented that

Seriously, life takes so many twists and turns that you can't plan it as much as you would like, no one is selfish in the decisions they make, it's your life, you live it how you want!

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 28/10/2013 12:56

Hurray, a thread about having one DC with compassionate and reasonable responses.

DoudousDoor · 28/10/2013 13:09

Haven't siblings wuldn't guarantee that your DS would be a blood uncle! I know a family with 3 children, none of whom have children and they are now all beyond the age of having them so will remain so.

You can't make your choices based on possible futures.

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