sorry to post on here but need mixed advice - and lots of!

[noideawhattodoatall]

Hi,
I'm worried and sad for my ten year old son. He's always been painfully shy but seemed to generally cope OK in social situations and branch out with friends. We went to a party for a child his age - the whole class was invited. He didn't want to go. Not because he didn't like the child, but because he reckons he doesn't like parties. I said I would stay with him, as the invite was extended to parents and siblings.

At the party he just sat there twiddling his clothing, looking nervous and sad (like he was trying not to cry). Several children from his class tried to get him to join in but he refused. I have another child who is a few years younger. She is so outgoing - the total opposite. She was joining in with everything.

I wouldn't mind the fact that he wasn't joining in, if I thought he was happy to just sit and watch, but he wasn't, he was a bag of nerves and I felt for him.

I know he has confidence issues (he's ever so slightly overweight) and he does not run around or engage in typical child like behaviour. He is not confident enough to initiate a conversation with someone. He has a few really good friends (who were at the party), but because they were all running around and playing, he 'couldn't' join in.

He is a lovely, caring and sweet boy. He has never been any trouble for me and is well behaved at school. But he has become a very anxious, apologetic, shy boy. He is so worried how people portray him. I am careful never to make comparisons to him and his sister, and am always trying to boost him with confidence. He is due to go secondary school next year and I'm really worried how he will cope.

Just to note, I suspect he is dyslexic and suffers with dyspraxia. I think school is getting on top of him a bit too.

Does anyone have any experience here, of know where I can get some advice to help me help him? It really needs addressing now. He has no interests outside the house as he is not good at cycling, swimming or sports - which I suspect is due to dyspraxia .

Thank you

Can't help much other than to say DS2 hated parties as a child. Couldn't cope with them at all - we would take him along, he would scream and cry at the door and we would take him home. He had plenty of friends and normal social relationships, just hated to be in an over-excited crowd.

Luckily the other parents were nice and used to always give him an invitation card but would say to us not to feel obliged to bring him. They would bring the party bag to school for him so he felt part of it all.

We sent him to drama and dance clubs at school in the hope that performing would help his confidence. He was the star of every show, always took the lead part, loved it, but still hated parties.

Today at 21, he's Mr Popular, party central, party organiser and the hub of his group's social life. Go figure.

Can I suggest an alternative to sport. Sport tends to attract extrovert kids, I used to loathe all sport.

Music, oTOH is perfect for the introverted. You have an instrument, you have the music, everyone has a role. You don't have to explain why you are there, or make small talk. But it is very sociable. As he is going to secondary school, now is a good time for him to learn something. Violin is good as he can then learn viola and always be in demand. If he is dyspraxic then he might find a wind instrument easier.

I haven't read all the replies, so this might have already been mentioned.

My son was exactly the same, although after a long spell in hospital and large doses of steroids for his illness he became much more introverted and felt 'unable' to join in (I think he basically forgot how to tbh - exacerbated by the weight he put on with the steroids). He is also dyslexic and dyspraxic. Eventually in 2nd year (year 8 I think) I took him out of school to home ed. That's a different story.

Anyway, I thought it was better I 'helped' him socialise and found an inclusive basketball club where they knew what he had been through and all the players were really nice kids. He built up his confidence (and his basketball skills!) and he started to come out of his shell a bit. I also got him Xbox Live (this is where some people might not agree) but it meant he could talk to people he had something in common with, without them seeing what he looked like IYSWIM (this was, and is, still closely monitored). He now records and posts walkthroughs on youtube of the games they all play.

However, the best way of getting him his confidence back (because I think that's mainly what it is) was sending him to cadets. It's very structured, they're treated more like grown ups (camping, shooting, etc) and his Staff Sergeant is brilliant at persuading him to try new things. He still has wobbles about very new things, and still finds it difficult (but not impossible) to meet new people (esp. when there are the bigger camps) but he knows that there is always someone there that he knows and can 'chum around' with until he feels ready.

Hope this isn't too long and rambling, but I remember having tears in my eyes when watching him struggle with everything that the rest of my kids seemed to take in their stride.

Btw, he seems to have grown into his weight and is now a near 6 footer with rugby player build at 14.5.