sorry to post on here but need mixed advice - and lots of!

[noideawhattodoatall]

Hi,
I'm worried and sad for my ten year old son. He's always been painfully shy but seemed to generally cope OK in social situations and branch out with friends. We went to a party for a child his age - the whole class was invited. He didn't want to go. Not because he didn't like the child, but because he reckons he doesn't like parties. I said I would stay with him, as the invite was extended to parents and siblings.

At the party he just sat there twiddling his clothing, looking nervous and sad (like he was trying not to cry). Several children from his class tried to get him to join in but he refused. I have another child who is a few years younger. She is so outgoing - the total opposite. She was joining in with everything.

I wouldn't mind the fact that he wasn't joining in, if I thought he was happy to just sit and watch, but he wasn't, he was a bag of nerves and I felt for him.

I know he has confidence issues (he's ever so slightly overweight) and he does not run around or engage in typical child like behaviour. He is not confident enough to initiate a conversation with someone. He has a few really good friends (who were at the party), but because they were all running around and playing, he 'couldn't' join in.

He is a lovely, caring and sweet boy. He has never been any trouble for me and is well behaved at school. But he has become a very anxious, apologetic, shy boy. He is so worried how people portray him. I am careful never to make comparisons to him and his sister, and am always trying to boost him with confidence. He is due to go secondary school next year and I'm really worried how he will cope.

Just to note, I suspect he is dyslexic and suffers with dyspraxia. I think school is getting on top of him a bit too.

Does anyone have any experience here, of know where I can get some advice to help me help him? It really needs addressing now. He has no interests outside the house as he is not good at cycling, swimming or sports - which I suspect is due to dyspraxia .

Thank you

I would encourage/facilitate his friendships outside school. Some people hate parties, especially children's parties.

Also please don't take this the wrong way but you are obviously quite concerned, it doesn't sound too bad to me (but me and siblings were all shy) and although you say you are trying to boost his confidence, could he pick up on how you are feeling?

I think generally if you have achieved something/are good at something in one area it spreads confidence in giving other things a go/sense of self. So I'd try and get interested in whatever he is interested in, in and out of school. Especially if it gives him some responsibility. I can't list everything but there are lots of things where dyspraxia shouldn't hinder him. Are there things you do as a family?

some of the things that go with dyspraxia are emotional immaturity, dislike of loud, crowded places, also physical tiredness.

DS was like this (and diagnosed). Hated busy places, never enjoyed parties.

He has grown out of lots of things that broke my heart when he was younger.

But still doesn't like parties or crowds or loud noises!

He did say he didn't want to go...and with good reason, it seems.

He has friends, but clearly prefers one to one or small groups. Not being able to manage large gatherings is not a sign of social failure, he was probably just having to work really hard to manage how bad the environment made him feel.

I'd agree with others that if his shyness isn't getting in the way of making friends on a 1:1 basis then I wouldn't push the issue too much. Even in my thirties I'm a lot more comfortable and happy in small groups than in large gatherings. It's just the way I am and I'm perfectly happy with that. I can go to larger occasions if I have to, but it's not that I dread them - I simply wouldn't choose to go if I was given the option.

You have to be careful that you don't turn it into something that is an issue - if he's self aware enough to know what he does and doesn't like then respect it and focus on what he does enjoy. It''s almost a form of stage fright and the more your forced to face those situations the more anxiety builds up in advance. Imho exposure doesn't do much for shyness issues, it just gives you a large bank of mortifying memories that increase anxiety levels.

Is he happy to go out with small groups of friends to activities like bowling or each others houses for sleep overs etc? Encourage those types of things if your worried about his bonds with other children. The happier he is, the more confidence will follow as he matures to cope in situations that he doesn't find easy because he will be secure in himself.

I would let him chose wether or not engage in parties etc. he seems to have friends so I wouldn't worry about that. I wouldn't encourage going to groups either.

I would discreetly look at a better diet at home and more physical activity as a family.

Find things he is good at and enjoys Nd take an interest in what he likes.

These things will boost his esteem without forcing social situations.

Could you try some role playing with him?

Like set him up with a few conversation openers, let him know how it feels to chit chat/small talk and that nothing bad will happen if he does it. (has he had any bad experiences with this in the past that have put him off?)

Is there anyone close to him (but not immediate family) who he would feel OK practicing with?

It's just making that opening few minutes totally normal and something he does without thinking twice.

There is a bit of a miss match between him being so worried about how he portrays himself that he closes down and can't interact, and how people will view the closed down him IYSWIM? That people like to have a connection with other people, but to do that you have to 'give' a bit of yourself.

Like other posters have said, my DD found it much better going into secondary. It's not a magic solution, but it can ease the pressure off a bit which is sometimes all they need

So much great advice - thank you.

I see, I guess, that pushing him into larger groups isn't wise. To be fair though, I didn't actually realise until now, how much he would struggle in such situation. He gets on really well with a select few friends. But when those friends engage in more boisterous high energy games, my son opts out - always looking lost (like he wants to join in, but feels awkward/uncomfortable/un natural) He said that he feels like people will think he looks ridiculous. Or people might mock him because he is not sporty or fast.

With regards to his suspected dyslexia and dyspraxia - if the school really won't budge (which they really won't), what is my next point of call? The GP?

GP. Dyspraxia is classed as a physical disability so you can get a GP referral for testing.

But if I were you I would firstly research the OT, physio, Paed provision in your area first so you have a clear idea of where you want him referred to and why.

My youngest son (8) is very slow to warm up in social situations. The more children, or adults, encourage him to engage, the more he backs off. He has his circle of friends at school but goes shy if he has to engage with them in a different situation. He finds it hard to acknowledge them on the walk to school!

I can remember being like that, I was soo shy as a child. Funny thing is, as an adult, I now have a lot of deep down inner confidence. I do like people, I do love a laugh, I overlook a lot of crap and try to get on with people. I am still not a bubbly person and don't want to be best mates with everyone at work. I over heard a conversation the other day where I was described as always looking serious but actually a good laugh. Bitch man at work is a bit scared of me.

Completely off the wall suggestion; Do you have a Games Workshop near by and a willing adult who may like that sort of thing. The guys who work in our local one are great. It is an expensive hobby but will suit some people. There's a nice social vibe at ours.

AgentZigzag - I came on here for advice, so I will certainly try. I think he would role play with me, but also, he is close to other members of the family, that he may like to do that with.

I think that he can't quite grasp the miss match you mention. I gather that he feels he might say something that will make his peers think he is stupid, or boring - and I would imagine that stems from the fact he feels pretty stupid as he struggles at school with the work :-(

Canthisonebeused - His diet is actually not too bad. It's not perfect, but I suspect it's the complete lack of physical activity is contributing to his weight gain. If he is dyspraxic, then it makes sense that he finds exercise tiring or hard - even walking looks like an effort at times! I work full time, so we have very limited time in the evening for outdoor activities - especially with the clock change looming..

enriquetheringbearinglizard - thank you for your kind words and advice! He does have a few hobbies, but they are computer base or arty.

DS found swimming a great activity because he was made buoyant by the water so took the strain off his body.

I'm the same noidea, I find it incredibly difficult to give anything of myself because I think it'll be used as a weapon against me at some point.

I learnt it through experiences of being bullied and my mum picking up on stuff I'd said, so now I don't say anything of substance, and when I do I obsess about it afterwards and how they'll hate me now because of it.

Something that helped me a little bit was realising that it's OK for someone to think something negative about me, that people can think that at the same time as liking the rest of me. It's not either/or.

Are there any things he doesn't like about another person he likes? (not saying encourage him to start criticising other people or anything!) So he can see it's possible to think the two things about one person.

OP - I have a younger son (6) with dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder. They often go together. Not wanting to go to parties, and not being able to cope with all the action going on could be something to do with him not being able to process all the information and keep up with it all - it might just be too overwhelming, which is why he said he didn't want to go.

In many ways you're describing my eldest DS. He now does drama which he loves, and that really helps as he's not v good at sport except for climbing. Also when he went to secondary school we asked that he should be in the same tutor group as his best friend, and that helped enormously. But yes - playdates with one or two children to build up his confidence and lots of praise for what he does do well.

Twenty years ago (when my lot were that age!) the junior school ran a chess club...would this be an idea for your son? A quiet, calm environment, but with the challenge of chess?

And as a volunteer of many years standing...is anything to do with animals a possibility for him?

I wonder if you have a dog? Getting him to walk it would be some exercise and shy children (in my experience) often thrive having a pet?

noidea this is a 'you are not alone' post. My DS has dyslexia and he is very socially awkward. Doesn't understand the hidden rules of friendships and can't read body language. Take heart from the friends he has already made. My DS found it hard in Y5 & 6 because whilst some people like him he wasn't close enough to make birthday party invites. I understand how anxious you feel about secondary school and how he'll manage in the workplace later.

Someone said to me going to secondary will be better because there will be more boys like DS2. He'll meet similar boys. I've been clinging to it all first term

The reality has been ok actually. I did some coaching with him about social situations after SATs had done - gave him a way of talking to people, there has been some bullying but he told me and the school were really good at dealing with it, he has started talking about new friends. I keep asking if he wants to see pals out of school so he knows he can but accept he likes being home because it's where he's happiest. He plays rugby - there are loads of kids with SEN at the club. It seems it takes all sorts of skills, shapes and sizes to play a game. My DH and I make more of an effort to go out so he can see that it is fun.

It will be ok, I've found being a mother to a child that is a little different has been quite challenging for me personally and I feel guilty all the time.

Hi OP. Is there a climbing wall nearby that runs junior training nights? Climbing, as mentioned by a PP, is good for dyspraxics because it uses closed static movement. The belayer/trainer will be working with him 1:1 so group interaction isn't an issue. He'll get stronger quite fast if he does it regularly and the problem solving will help with agility.

HTH.

I think the NHS has begun offering parents training in CBT so they can help their own child with anxiety. I think I read about it in Prof Tanya Byron's column in The Times.

Found the details:

www.youngminds.org.uk/news/blog/1577_parent-led_anxiety_treatment_could_improve_children_s_lives

Maybe investigate this with your GP? Or, the School Nurse?

mAYbe check out resources online for aspergers and see if he fits the criteria and think about getting him assessed.

Exercise rise could you not invest in a Wii or Xbox both actually give you work outs. Or we often put music on and have a dance. Or what about weights.

With regards school get in touch with your local parent partnership they will help you deal with the school to get him support. Speak to his teachers and be persistent sadly you will have to push and push. Even without a dyslexia or dyspraxia diagnosis he isn't happy and they need to support him.

I would also encourage interests, would he enjoy geocaching? Fun, exercise and no pressure.

Would second the Games Workshop idea. He can be as singular or as teamlike as he wishes. And would probably suit his arty/computer character. Staff used to be ever so helpful a few years ago. I expect it is still much the same. They should be able to tailor things to him. Would advise that your first visit to them with your son, is not at a busy time for them such as weekends.

Other than other things already suggested, I would buy some confidence books. For you to read, even if he doesnt read them. You might pick up some tips.

DS1 is dyspraxia, he is generally fairly outgoing but gets a bit giddy at times!

You mention that he is slightly overweight which will not help his confidence. DS is just in the healthy weight range and it is hard keeping him there - Dyspraxic children tend to avoid sport. One piece of advice our OT gave us was to find a sport that he likes. DS isn't a fan of team sports (wish I could get him to give up football), but he does enjoy swimming and tennis (we have invested heavily in this and it has really helped his general co-ordination). The one sport he loves is skiing and he's joined the local race club at the dry slope - he'll never be a champion, but at the age of 8 there is no way me or DH will ever catch him!

My son was very similar at the same age, his classmates liked him but he just couldn't see it. Very shy, very anxious, very low self esteem and no confidence

The junior school gave him weekly one to ones with a teacher trained in behaviour issues, it worked wonders. Se got his lass mates and teachers to write positive things, worked on his friendship making abilities all sorts of things (he was so lonely)

If I am honest it did go down hill at the start of senior school but I talked to them and they gave him one to one time with a learning support person who was there to talk and help him

He is in year 10 and a lovely boy, good set of friends (he doesn't see them much out of school but he is fine with that)

It will get better, but see what the school can do (I did speak to his doctor but even he said try the school first as it can take a while for referrals)

Feel free to pm me and I can try and find out what sort of stuff the junior school did for him

FFS

She got his class mates !!!!

Although I would be pleased with him having lass mates!