To be annoyed that DH has gone out?

[tearoomtrash]

We have a 13 month old who has been ill with one thing or another for the past 3 weeks (nothing serious but enough to badly affect her sleeping). I'm a full time teacher, and have been getting, on average, 3 hours sleep each night. His sleep is also suffering, but he works for himself and therefore has the flexibility to stay in bed if he needs to.

He is a hands on Dad and a good husband. I love him.

Anyway. I am on my knees with tiredness. My sister very kindly offered to babysit over night to give us some quality time together, and a decent night's sleep. I have been looking forward to a relaxed night in all week.

This afternoon, DH came in from playing football and asked me if I fancied a night out. I declined and explained why. He said he really wanted to take the opportunity to go out with his team mates. Fair enough, it's his free time too.

I don't begrudge him, but know that he will stumble in in the early hours, wake me up and then spend tomorrow grumpy and hungover while I take care of our toddler. Also, we so rarely get the opportunity for time alone together and feel that his night out goes against the spirit in which my sister's generous offer was made.

AIBU?

Ok he's gone out, which would annoy me hugely too in this situation, however there is no excuse for waking you when he comes in so I agree he should sleep elsewhere- sofa/ spare room etc so you can catch up on rest without being disturbed.

And in the morning there is no extra lie in for him above what you get, if he is hungover that's his own fault and no excuse for not being a part of what you need to get on with tomorrow. Yy to hoovering, strip the beds etc.

I'd not be impressed.

Ring him and tell him to stay at a mates. You won't sleep knowing he will blunder in like a fucking rhino.

I think he owes you a night in a hotel, a nice one. ON YOUR OWN. With wine and a book. And 12 hours solid sleep.

Hairybabysmum - I don't want to tell my sister he's gone out. She knows how much I was looking forward to tonight and she'd be really pissed off on my behalf, and I don't want to spoil the fact that she thinks very highly of DH.

She is really lovely though, I'm very lucky.

AFBH that's my idea of heaven - OP store this one up in the bank!

You sound really nice. Too nice. You don't want to spoil the fact she thinks highly of your dh? Why is your dh on such a pedestal?
Sorry another knackered teacher here. Don't know how you do it.

I'm not very good at implementing my hangover antagonism plans, I'm afraid. He always looks so forlorn & childlike, I end up bloody feeling sorry for him!!!

I am very annoyed tonight though, and he has spoilt my relaxation (and therefore my evening), so maybe tomorrow is the day that I get tough and expect him to get up bright & early and make me breakfast in bed...

Yanbu i would feel the same

Sherazade - I've no idea how I've survived this term. Strong coffee & adrenaline I think.

The thing is, he genuinely is a top bloke. He is lovely with our toddler and I never have to worry about him - he's reliable, caring etc so I suppose in the great scheme of things it's not a big deal that he's gone out. I'd just rather it hadn't been tonight.

Sleep in DD's bed, so that he dosnt disturb you ?

Fair enough. Now off mumsnet and go and have a relaxing bath and early night in. I know I will! x

Anyfuckersbighat - that sounds like bliss...

Shosha - she still sleeps in a cot. Maybe I should send him in there. He's 6ft 3

That's out of order. He could go out with his mates another night while you look after the baby. Passing up a night alone together and leaving you on your to dis not nice. Yanbu.

and when you voiced the last para of your OP to him - stumbling in, waking you up and being useless tomorrow - what did he say?

The fact is he's sabotaged your much longed-for and needed relaxing evening and good night's sleep.

It sounds as though you haven't explained that to him and he's chosen not to think about. All because you think he's such a 'top bloke' and you don't want to ruffle his feathers. Does he think you're a top woman? How come he doesn't think and act accordingly then?

You're being a bit of a drippy doormat and he's taking advantage of this. (He must know from past experience what effect his going out is going to have on your sleep). That is not 'top' behaviour and you kow it - hence your embarrassment at admitting his thoughtlessness to your sister.

He owes you an evening to yourself and a good night's sleep and can deliver that this week - Friday night? Make it a date.

Lottie - he doesn't go out very often, very rarely in fact (thankfully). I'm bloody annoyed with him tonight because the timing is bad, and it has ruined my evening because I am annoyed and therefore unable to relax (I had intended to be deep in sleep by now).

However, this thoughtlessness is far from typical of him, and it is the thoughtlessness of this isolated event that has annoyed me. You can be pissed off with a situation without it completely writing off a person's good character.

My husband, like all human beings, has the capacity to disappoint. The choice he made tonight has disappointed me. A lot. However, it doesn't wipe out the fact that he is generally a good person. If acknowledging that makes me a "drippy doormat" in your opinion, then so be it.

I can't bollock him for something he hasn't done yet, and I will not send him out on the condition of X,Y and Z as he is not a child and I'm not his mother. I hope that he will be considerate about when and how he returns home. Maybe he will. If not, I will discuss it with him tomorrow.

I will update.

So make him do the childcare tomorrow and you go back to bed.

Hungover or not, he can still do the toddler care tomorrow. So I would make him do that and explain cheerfully that since he got to do his stuff all day yesterday, he is covering tomorrow on his own and you will be out with your lovely sister

I would also move into the spare room yourself tonight. No, you shouldn't have to be the one to move, but that way you are less likely to get him blundering in and waking you up. Just leave a note on the bed saying you are in there to get more sleep and please leave you till the morning.

I don't think all this makes him a terrible person/husband necessarily, but it does merit payback.

The payback thing I totally agree with, Merit & Pobble. And I intend to cash in

*Mellow (apologies! )

It's ok - you're sleep deprived! I'm surprised you can remember your own name

I talked about behaviour, not character, and was just reflecting back to you what you'd said to us.

You could easily have raised a concern about his waking you up, in the course of the conversation about him going out - no need to 'bollock' him or set conditions(!) just talk and try to find a mutually acceptable solution. You have been very clear that this always happens, so he knows this too.

Anyway, I hope you're asleep now and that you don't get woken up and you get today's lie-in tomorrow.

I do think he owes you a peaceful evening and night. As you said, his actions weren't in the spirit of your sister's kind offer. He's had his night out though, so can now afford to be generous with another night.

Well he's home and I'm awake.

He is currently throwing up all over the bathroom, which he will be cleaning tomorrow.

He is sleeping on the sofa tonight.

I will not discuss it with him until the morning, but I am seething.

Sorry it has turned out this way. But keep hold of the seething feeling. He has a choice to drink or not and to get in this state ia pathetic. Stick to your guns. though that it's happened