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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about using my son's name?

34 replies

MidniteScribbler · 26/10/2013 10:43

OK, so I'm not one of those people that think anyone owns a name. You can call your child what you like. So it comes as a complete surprise to me that I'm even posting this.

But....

A person that I am friends with in an assisted conception group I am in (we all meet in person, this is not an internet group) has had her second cycle of IUI (she's a single mother by choice, so only her second cycle of trying) and she had a positive pregnancy test, but has had a D&C at about four/five weeks gestation. She's now named this child the same name as my son and has declared that no one may use his name in her presence. She actually told me off today for calling my son over to me and said that I should not "say that word in her presence".

I'm sympathetic to her, it took me seven years to conceive my son, but I'm not going to refuse to call my son the name I gave him two years ago.

AIBU?

OP posts:
KippyVonKipperson · 26/10/2013 10:46

Whaaaat? That is truly bonkers!

I think you should use your sons name as much as possible in her presence now, just to wind things up. What do your mutual friends think?

CailinDana · 26/10/2013 10:46

She is upset which is understandable but her demand is totally unreasonable. I would just end the friendship tbh.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/10/2013 10:47

Not sure I understand why you felt the need to put about her being a single parent or about a previous d&c and I think its quite ur that you did and it makes you sound rather unpleasant.

But the name thing and the name thing alone yanbu.

Mattissy · 26/10/2013 10:48

She's a fruit loop, completely bonkers to think you wouldn't speak your own dad's name!

NotYoMomma · 26/10/2013 10:49

sad for her but ffs it is the name of your child! she is being totally UR!

KippyVonKipperson · 26/10/2013 10:50

Oh sorry, I've just understood she lost the baby, I should have read things properly.

You are still not being unreasonable, but maybe have a quiet word with her and offer her a friendly ear.

Sorry my earlier post sounded so heartless

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/10/2013 10:50

Yanbu and all I can say is, whatever her conception history, issues or not, she will have her work cut out exercising a blanket ban on the rest of the world using that name.

PedlarsSpanner · 26/10/2013 10:51

Sorry to be thick, she lost her recent PG? And named that baby the same as your two year old? Poor lady but yes, YANBU to refuse to do this.

beansmum · 26/10/2013 10:53

Of course YANBU.

Presumably she knew your son's name before choosing it for her baby? Weird.

RegTheMonkey · 26/10/2013 10:53

I was just about to say the same thing as Donkeys. How can she stop everyone in the world whose son has the same name, or men who have that name? She is being very, very unreasonable. And your son had his name first!

DontmindifIdo · 26/10/2013 10:53

Ignore, use your DS's name around her. If she pushes again, as nicely as you can, point out that your DS has had that name for 2 years, you aren't going to rename your child just to please her, and if she wants to avoid hearing that name she might need to avoid being in situations where people she knows are called that name are in the room, which includes the DCs of people she's spending time with.

LittleBairn · 26/10/2013 10:54

She's being very silly I had a late miscarriage I named my son a name that's now very popular I have no 'rights' to that name. Just because she is grieving gives her no more rights than usual.

Surely at 4/5 weeks they wouldn't even know the sex?

Mattissy · 26/10/2013 10:54

Stupid predictive text, I wrote "DC's" not "Dad's"

quoteunquote · 26/10/2013 10:54

Bonkers, what does she want you to call your son?

If you want a unique name then you have to come up with one.

Either, leave the group (take a break), as she is unlikely to, or never take your son along, and never mention him.

I am involved with a baby loss group, it can get intense, we had a couple who named their daughter Jasmine, and would get frantic each time they heard the name (in group or out and about), super popular at the time, she will have to struggle with this, just don't be the one she focus on. or it will become tiresome and stress you.

It's a bit crap, but other than making her suck it up, which she is unlikely to do quietly and gracefully, you may have to bow out,(or arrange separate meetings).

DontmindifIdo · 26/10/2013 10:54

(I think the bit about her being a single parent might be relevant because she doesn't have someone else doing this with her who might point out this is odd behaviour, or be the one who picked the name)

BoundandRebound · 26/10/2013 10:55

Just day I am extremely sorry about your miscarriage but I am afraid I will not speaking to my son in your presence, because he is 2 and that is his name. if you find it too difficult you may wish to take a break. I'm sorry for your loss

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 26/10/2013 10:57

YANBU

If she 'tells you off' again for using your own sons name tell her to stop being so bloody ridiculous

Beastofburden · 26/10/2013 10:58

People name their stillborn babies of course, and although I have never thought about it, I guess you could extend that back into losing a child fairly far into a pregnancy. But I am stunned that someone would name a 4 week gestation.

She chose that name in the full knowledge that your son exists and is called that. She even knew your son. I am afraid I think there is an attention seeking and competitive thing here. She wants a baby, you have got one and she hasn't.

Stay away from her, is my advice, this will not get any better.

Original poster
MidniteScribbler · 26/10/2013 10:58

The name is not a unique one. It's a name that dates back centuries, so I had no illusions that no one else would use the name. I don't actually care if anyone else uses the name, nor would I have a problem with her choosing to use the name for the child that she lost. My issue is that I'm now apparently not allowed to call my son by his own name whilst in her presence.

OP posts:
AngelsLieToKeepControl · 26/10/2013 10:59

Do you think she is trying to engineer a situation so she can direct her anger at you?

When my son and daughter died I found myself doing this, there was no actual, real thing to be angry at so I would start arguments just so I could vent my anger (Im ashamed to admit).

Is there a possibility this is what she is doing?

DontmindifIdo · 26/10/2013 11:10

My issue is that I'm now apparently not allowed to call my son by his own name whilst in her presence. - no, this is not the case. She doesn't want you to use your DS's own name in her presence, but she has no authority to allow or disallow this unless you give her that authority. She's being silly, the fact that she's grieving makes you feel you can't call her on her bonkers behaviour, but that is just in your head, you can.

If she hadn't just lost a baby, and just decided she didn't like hearing that name for some other random reason so told you that you weren't allowed to use your DS's own name in her company, you'd tell her no. It's just because it's linked to her losing a baby (which was so early she doesnt know even if it was a boy or girl) that you feel you have to go along with her bonkers suggestion. But you don't. That's just you being overnice.

And if it's not an unusual name, then she'll be hearing it anyway.

Call her on it, she's being a drama llama, losing a baby doesn't stop you being able to think clearly. I've been there, I'd named the one I lost, I have had a baby since and couldn't entertain that I could use that name again for a future child, that doesn't mean I thought the whole world should stop using it, or the people who already have that name should all be renamed...

DontmindifIdo · 26/10/2013 11:11

Oh and I think AngelsLieToKeepControl might be right, she could well be trying to make you and your DS the focus of her anger.

StUmbrageinSkelt · 26/10/2013 11:12

I assumed you added the info about single parent by choice as it is relevant--she's got a fairly good chance of conceiving again, it's not like she is necessarily only ever going to have this one pregnancy.

She is utterly utterly barking mad. I've lost babies at 4 to 5 weeks, 14 weeks and 36 weeks and I think she is totally out of line to demand you stop calling your son his name because she had a D&C and chose to use the same name. I'd think she was barking if it had been a fullterm delivery as well. It is a sad loss for her but she cannot expect you to call your son, hey you in her presence for all time.

Original poster
MidniteScribbler · 26/10/2013 11:21

I only added the single parent by choice to say that she was only on her second month of trying to conceive. I am also a single mother by choice, so it's not a judgement about being a single parent at all.

OP posts:
mojojomo · 26/10/2013 11:27

If there's a group leader, officially or unofficially, can they have a word with her?

Due to the nature of the group, I suspect any one of you could find a reason to behave this way if you wanted to, e.g. "I don't want to hear about anyone getting a positive test" or a further round of treatment or more eggs being harvested.... So you all have to accept that you'll hear this stuff at the group.

Anyway, user your son's name when you're talking about him. If she says anything next time just say something factual like "it's his name". Don't get into conversations or explanations about her behaviour or her being upset.