AIBU about using my son's name?

[MidniteScribbler]

OK, so I'm not one of those people that think anyone owns a name. You can call your child what you like. So it comes as a complete surprise to me that I'm even posting this.

But....

A person that I am friends with in an assisted conception group I am in (we all meet in person, this is not an internet group) has had her second cycle of IUI (she's a single mother by choice, so only her second cycle of trying) and she had a positive pregnancy test, but has had a D&C at about four/five weeks gestation. She's now named this child the same name as my son and has declared that no one may use his name in her presence. She actually told me off today for calling my son over to me and said that I should not "say that word in her presence".

I'm sympathetic to her, it took me seven years to conceive my son, but I'm not going to refuse to call my son the name I gave him two years ago.

AIBU?

She named a 4 week old foetus? With a boy's name? Did she even know the baby was a boy?

That is incomprehensible to me. When my son was conceived due to it being the only time ever I'd not used contraception I knew from day 1 of first day after missed period I was pregnant but , and this may shock some of you, it was a while after that before I started thinking of what was inside me as a baby.

BTW, I was delighted I was pregnant even if not planned. The not thinking of it as a baby was partly about not tempting fate.

She is being totally ridiculous. What does she expect you to do? If she got her way, your son would become 'persona non grata'. She knew your son's name. She is just going to have to deal with it.

I am sympathetic to her loss but not in the slightest to her demands and I would be quite firm with her.

Im confused . not unusual

Surely as you have known this woman for at least 2 cycles of IUI then she would already have known your son and what his name is. So how can she now say that you are not allowed to call him by this name?

Definitely barking and needs to be steered well clear of.

Oh - and I would use the name at any opportunity.

She hasn't got a balanced view on it. I hope she does, or she will not get far in life through her grieving process.

You are entitled to call your son by his name, not because he had the name 2 years before she did, but because you are entitled to use whatever name you want to for your own child.

If she lost the pregnancy 2 years ago and you wanted the same name afterward (which I know is not the case), that would be fine too.

If everyone worked on her logic there would be no names left in the world because we humans have a nasty habit of leaving grieving loved ones behind by dying eventually!

OP really wouldn't be doing this woman any favours by going along with the request. She needs help. That may be professional or possibly just the help of the group but she needs those around her to help her keep sight of what is reasonable.

The woman is obviously grief stricken but you are not being unreasonable.

I lost my baby at 12 weeks & there's no way of knowing whether they were a girl or a boy. I chose to mark their life in other ways - I've got a plant potted in an angel tub. It's obvious she wants to remember her child too but there are other ways & to "own" a name is silly.

Could you direct her to the MC association & the MC boards here. Was such a big help to me.

I have had some experience with very vulnerable people who have become totally unreasonably and tbh I have found that you often help them more by calmly and matter of factly refusing their unreasonable requests at first than by going along with them and simmering inwardly.

Just about the gender - if she had a D&C, they could have retrieved tissue and been able to identify it as a boy. I was told after an early mc and D&C (empty sac at 8 & 9 wks) that it was a girl with an extra 11th chromosome. The sac has the same DNA as the fetus would.

So, she may have known it was a boy, or she may have decided she felt it was a boy. Either way, she is completely unreasonable to tell you not to use your son's name. Completely.