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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my Dh should be more pissed off that his friend made a pass at me

49 replies

theuntamedshrew · 25/10/2013 21:32

About 5 years ago be of dh's best friends made a pass at me, if I recall when dh was in the loo, he leant over and rubbed the inside of my thigh, I took his hand off, gave him a stern look and nothing ever more happened, I decided not to tell my Dh because this guy is such an old friend of I didn't want to affect their friendship. However I've recently decided this guy is a real tool and hence told my dh about him making a pass at me all those years go. My dh doesn't seem that bothered and says that's just the way he is, a flawed character. AIBU to expect my dh to be a little more upset?

OP posts:

HellMouthCusty · 25/10/2013 21:34

everyones different i suppose - but my dh would have punched his lights out - its a working class thing

QueenofKelsingra · 25/10/2013 21:35

if it had happened yesterday then yes I would expect him to be more upset. it was 5 years ago, it clearly wasn't that much of a big deal or you would have mentioned it at the time. I think I would struggle to get worked up about something that happened so long ago, assuming there has been no repeat since.

letsgotostonehenge · 25/10/2013 21:35

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, not sure why didn't you tell him five years ago?

NoAddedSuga · 25/10/2013 21:36

I think he would be more annoyed/angry if it happened very recent.

No point in getting annoyed at a minor thing that happened years ago

Coldlightofday · 25/10/2013 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 21:37

5 years is a long time.

If df found out that recently this had happened, the same as pp, he'd probably hunt him down and give him a hiding (definitely not just a working class thing as we are very much middles dahling :P)

5 years ago though? I think it more likely that df would have a real go at me for not telling him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2013 21:37

I think you should have told him 5 years ago. That is what I would have been pissed off about.

MimiSunshine · 25/10/2013 21:39

Sorry he made a pass at you. but "you gave him a stern look"? It must have been some look.
You didn't want to affect their friendship then but you do now. Well to be honest your DH is probably thinking if it didn't bother you enough back then for you to tell him then it's probably not worth being too bothered about it now.

That doesn't mean it was awful for you back then, but you've stomached him for 5 years so I can see why he wouldn't necessarily go running to punch his lights out.

ProphetOfDoom · 25/10/2013 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hoobypickypicky · 25/10/2013 21:40

It was 5 years ago, you dealt with it at the time, you've remained in contact with the man for 5 years, you didn't feel it necessary to tell your Dh during all that time but now you have you expect him to be upset to a level of your choosing?

Is it not possible that your Dh is satisfied that you're able to look after yourself and that he doesn't need to beat his chest and protect the little woman?

Original poster

theuntamedshrew · 25/10/2013 21:54

No I do not expect dh to bare his chest and growl, but he has been on a couple of serious drinking a sessions with sex pest since I told him, so it doesn't appear to have dented their friendship at all, I find that some what odd, because I know if one of my friends did the same I am not so sure I would be so matey with her, I'm a bit confused and bemused about it really,hence posting here, not sure how I should feel , but I think in general this guy is a bit of a sex pest, he has a six month baby at home and is still trying to cop off with other women.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 21:59

It doesn't matter how much time has passed or what your reasons for not saying were, it's still important.

If you're confused/bemused it's possible your DH could be too?

Could you talk to him about how his reaction has made you feel?

Original poster

theuntamedshrew · 25/10/2013 22:08

Yes I have told him, he thinks I am making a big fuss, which I probably am, but I just can't believe he can carry on a normal friendship with this guy, but maybe I'm just being up tight and old fashioned

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 25/10/2013 22:11

This reply has been deleted

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MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2013 22:14

Presumably, he already knew this guy was a twunt. He has been friends with him for years knowing that.

ProphetOfDoom · 25/10/2013 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 22:17

Did your DH know he is a 'sex pest' before you told him?

If they've known each other a while, could he pass off any unreasonable behaviour on the 'high jinx' some younger people see as OK? (I'm not saying it's OK, but behaviour in teenagers who are part of a group of friends can be seen as different to that of a 30/40 year old bloke)

Original poster

theuntamedshrew · 25/10/2013 22:17

yes exactly sshmaltzingmatilda I feel betrayed and let down, and why has he got such a sleaze ball for a mate? you have encapsulated my thoughts exactly, I feel a little bit more heard and understood, so thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

theuntamedshrew · 25/10/2013 22:19

Not teenagers no, 30s/40s

OP posts:

SeaSickSal · 25/10/2013 22:20

I think the problem is that you've kept it a secret for five years and only told him now because you're pissed off about something else entirely.

It would be really obvious to him that you have only told him now because you want to convince him into breaking off this friendship because you have decided you don't want them to be friends.

I'm not surprised he's not reacted in the way you've been so transparent, it's obvious that you are trying to get your own way. If he's decided that he wants to stay friends with this guy you're going the wrong way about convincing him not to.

SeaSickSal · 25/10/2013 22:21

What has he done now which has upset you? Why doesn't your husband think what he's done now isn't worth breaking up the friendship over?

Original poster

theuntamedshrew · 25/10/2013 22:26

I am just tired of pretending things are one way when they are not, and yes I wanted to pull the wool away from my husbands eyes about this friend, I don't think I had an ulterior motive

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 25/10/2013 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/10/2013 22:33

How did you want him to react?

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 22:36

'Not teenagers no, 30s/40s'

I meant that if your DH knew before you told him that his friend is like this, that he's passed it off with the same justification as he did when they were teenagers (if they've known each other that long).

But that behaviour in teenagers is different to that of a man in his 30s/40s.

I'm not being snippy asking this, but the posters who've said it's been five years what does she expect bringing it up now, would your advice be different if the friend had made a more serious/violent sexual assault on the OP?

Would her reasons for not saying/time passed be seen as less important?

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