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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my Dh should be more pissed off that his friend made a pass at me

49 replies

theuntamedshrew · 25/10/2013 21:32

About 5 years ago be of dh's best friends made a pass at me, if I recall when dh was in the loo, he leant over and rubbed the inside of my thigh, I took his hand off, gave him a stern look and nothing ever more happened, I decided not to tell my Dh because this guy is such an old friend of I didn't want to affect their friendship. However I've recently decided this guy is a real tool and hence told my dh about him making a pass at me all those years go. My dh doesn't seem that bothered and says that's just the way he is, a flawed character. AIBU to expect my dh to be a little more upset?

OP posts:

Original poster

theuntamedshrew · 25/10/2013 22:38

Something like.....'Jesus, really! WTF!, I'm not so sure he's such a good friend' etc etc, ie, questioning the relationship, instead what i Get is, shoulder shrug and I'm off down the pub with said matey boy?!

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 25/10/2013 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 22:40

'How did you want him to react?'

If I was telling DH that I would hope he'd be concerned.

Concerned why I hadn't felt I could tell him (intimidated?), whether this bloke has done anything to me or anyone else since, about why he'd misjudged the bloke to be OK.

Lots of things that don't involve brushing it off and carrying on as per.

QuintsHollow · 25/10/2013 22:41

5 years from now, dont be surprised if your dh punches his mate and says "this is for making a pass at me wife" - Just to keep the element of surprise fresh.

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/10/2013 22:43

I get that op.

My dp has reacted disappontingly following an issue with a friend. I was assaulted by his friends girlfriend and he didn't exactly deal with the situation as I expected and thought appropriate. It caused issues for long time and he now accepts he did the wrong thing.

The only thing you can do is vocalise how unhappy the ossification made you. Even though it was quite a long time ago, you only kept quiet for his benefit to the detriment of yourself and he should at least appreciate that.

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/10/2013 22:44

The situation not ossification.

Really must learn to proof read!

TheGinLushMinion · 25/10/2013 22:44

5 years ago??? Why have you brought this up now-I'm presuming there is a reason?

Original poster

theuntamedshrew · 25/10/2013 22:47

Yes I have grown tired of the friends womanising ways and seriously the only reason I did not say anything at the time was because I didn't want to cause what I thought would be a huge shit storm between dh and one of his oldest friends , a decision I now regret, you live and you learn

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 25/10/2013 22:52

My dh would act the same and certainly wouldn't be angry.
I think this would be the best reaction tbh and especially after all these years.
Its a bit cave man to react in an agressive "get your hands off my bird" way surely? You are your own person and you told him to get off, so why bring it up now after all these years.
Why do you think your dh has wool over his eyes, maybe he knows exactly what this friend is like after all the years he has known him.

TheGinLushMinion · 25/10/2013 22:53

Not surprised at his reaction tbh, give it time & it's likely to all come on top-unfortunately.

PosyNarker · 25/10/2013 22:56

I have friends (male and female) who are really crap partners. I know this, because they have ridiculous expectations / can't keep it in their pants / 'it's my way or the highway'.

They're still mates. If they're good mates, then they know exactly what I think about their behaviour. If they introduce partners they also know I will not lie for them.

They are not actually bad friends, bad employees or bad sons / daughters. They are just flawed individuals.

So in that, I can see where your DH is coming from, given you didn't mention it for 5 years. On the other hand, if DP mentioned that one of the 'keep it in their pants' offenders had made a serious pass yesterday, I would have words. At 5 years ago what do you expect him to do? He can't possibly confront him, so either continues the relationship or tries to withdraw from it...

Imgettingthere · 25/10/2013 23:18

Hmmmmm. 5 years thats far too long to say something, best said straight away. It was not nice so dh should have known about it then straight away same night or at latest next day. As for him acknowleging he is a sleeze bag then thats no excuse I would either expect something said or all contact broken with this chap to show disgust
Been there done that if the sleeze is told FO straight away then they move on to thinking its not ok.

livinginwonderland · 26/10/2013 07:14

It was five years ago though. If you found it so offensive, you should have said something at the time.

If this was DP and it had happened yesterday, he'd smack his so-called "mate" in the face, but if I told him five years in the future I wouldn't really expect him to be too bothered.

Mojavewonderer · 26/10/2013 08:00

Get over it! It happened 5 years ago and it's not like he made the mistake twice!

miss600 · 26/10/2013 08:57

Maybe your hubby is secretly smug that his friends desired his woman and his woman knocked him back. Massive ego boost for some men!

SarahBumBarer · 26/10/2013 09:01

I think that unfortunately your motives for telling your DH are to try and make him question the friendship because there are other aspects of the friendship that upset you. This is different to telling him because it is something that upsets you intrinsically and your DH probably senses that and his reaction is accordingly different to how it would be if you were telling him because of how the incident itself affects you.

FredFredGeorge · 26/10/2013 09:25

I'm afraid by you not telling him for 5 years made it not a big deal, if it was a big deal then you had to have told him at the time. So in DH's head it's not a big deal - if it was then you betrayed him, and he'd rather not think that.

So you either need to accept that YABU for expecting more, or accept YABU for not telling DH for 5 years and explain why it's a big deal and why you betrayed him...

Original poster

theuntamedshrew · 26/10/2013 11:02

Yes I think you are right, 5 years is a long time, but it's not the length of time we are talking about here, it is my Dh's reaction, but blimey o'reilly, me betray him??!!

OP posts:

spongebob13 · 26/10/2013 11:08

recently told dp that a lad he has working for him gives me the creeps. has grabbed my boob, commented on my bra, puts hands on my hips when trying to get by ... dp's reaction? I must be giving him some vibe!

AgentZigzag · 26/10/2013 11:23

So by your DH's reckoning spongebob, if you kicked him squarely in the nads, that'd be OK because he must have been giving you some vibe that he was up for it?

That 'lad' sexually assaulted you and your DH thinks it's your fault?

Teaexpert · 26/10/2013 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWickedWitchOfTheWest · 26/10/2013 11:33

Something similar happened to me only it was DH's brother making the pass at me. It happened a really long time ago before I got fat and I decided not to tell DH at the time. Years later BIL was being a spectacular arse to DH again I told him what had happened. He didn't do anything about it either. It did bother him, but he chose not to say anything. It made me question DH's loyalty to me, and I started to look at him in a new light. I had to just let it go in the end though.

spongebob13 · 26/10/2013 11:42

agentzigzag made me feel it was my fault alright

Strumpetron · 26/10/2013 12:00

After 5 years I'd expect him to be angry but not really go around raging.

Not sure what you expected him to do?

And why tell him now? Do you feel you needed a reaction from him?

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