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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childcare and friends - am I unreasonable in thinking you shouldn't have to pay them?

56 replies

beansmum · 24/10/2013 21:47

I need before school childcare for a week in November, I've advertised at uni for a student to do it and of course I would pay them. I mentioned it on facebook and a friend says she'll do it, for the same pay.

I would have been a bit annoyed anyway, I wouldn't ask a friend to pay me. Also, a student would come to my house and do breakfast etc, my friend would want me to drop ds off at her place and she'd walk him to school with her son. She's going to school anyway so I'm not sure what I'd be paying her for.

But to make it even worse, last year I looked after her son every morning for a term, gave him breakfast, got him ready and walked him to school and didn't even think of asking for money.

I've just replied on facebook - "um, no thanks, unless you want to pay me for looking after your ds last year?"

Unreasonable? Or a bit snarky but not unnecessarily so?

OP posts:

Mintyy · 24/10/2013 22:36

Yanbu, given the circumstances. Bit that anyone thinks yabu, or have they just not bothered to read the op as is so often the case ?

KhunZhoop · 24/10/2013 22:38

So, you mentioned, publicly, that you'd be happy to pay someone, then were bitchy when someone took you up on it? YABU. Was she thinking of paying someone else last year before you stepped in for her? If so, YANBU. If not, well, if you say you're willing to pay, then you can't blame someone for asking you to pay, sorry.

ballstoit · 24/10/2013 22:40

YANBU. It would be illegal to pay her in these circumstances anyway, unless she's a registered childminder. If she was caring for your ds, in your home, then you could pay her.

I wouldn't expect a friend to pay me for doing a favour for a week. I'd be happy to do it, as never know when I might need someone to repay the favour.

MidniteScribbler · 24/10/2013 22:44

Could it be that you posted it on facebook in hopes she would take the bait and offer to do it for free? If you think she owes you, then you could have approached her and said you needed help and you thought she might be able to do it since you helped her last year. Playing out these things on facebook will never end well.

morethanpotatoprints · 24/10/2013 22:44

You are going to trust a student you don't know rather than pay a friend.
Maybe your friend needs the money and not a nice thing to post on fb
YABU to your friend but mostly to your kids.
Please don't allow a stranger to look after them.

AlexaChelsea · 24/10/2013 22:45

It wouldn't be illegal, Jesus. Her DS would be going to a friends house for breakfast. For a week.

It would be insane for your friend to ask for payment. I can't believe people would do this?!

ENormaSnob · 24/10/2013 22:48

Yanbu

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 24/10/2013 22:52

However much it would have annoyed me I would have just paid a person I trusted with my DC.

Mamafratelli · 24/10/2013 22:52

Yanbu. Has she replied??

Mellowandfruitful · 24/10/2013 22:55

The fact that you'd previously done it as a favour for her is crucial. It is very cheeseparing of her to get you to take care of hers for free but then expect to charge you in return. YANBU and I think your post at 22.31 has it covered

morethanpotatoprints The friend wasn't forced to reply publicly on FB. She could have contacted the OP privately and explained her money difficulties if that was the situation..

Original poster

beansmum · 24/10/2013 22:55

She hasn't replied yet.

I've posted an ad on a student job search website - I've had a couple of replies from teaching students. I intend to meet them and check their references etc, so I'm not that bothered about leaving ds with whoever I choose.

OP posts:

ThistleVille · 24/10/2013 23:03

I know you can't turn back the clock but, in view of the help you gave your friend last year, couldn't you have just asked her to return the favour?

trixymalixy · 24/10/2013 23:06

You can delete posts on Facebook you know, if you feel that uncomfortable about it. She may not have seen it yet and even if she has it would stop anyone further reading it.

I can't believe anyone says YABU. I suspect they may not have read properly that you looked after her DC for a term for free and your friend wants to charge you for doing the same for just a week.

ballstoit · 24/10/2013 23:11

Caring for a child, in your own home, in return for payment, is illegal unless you are a registered childminder. Why would anyone go to the hassle of registering with Ofsted if it wasn't?

Caring for a child in their own home, is fine.

ballstoit · 24/10/2013 23:11

That was in response to Alexa, sorry.

gamerchick · 24/10/2013 23:12

Just delete the post.

maddening · 24/10/2013 23:13

a - it wasn't worth the same pay as you were paying for someone to come to your and "do" the whole morning prep etc.

b - she had free childcare off you

yanbu to think her offer was cheeky but yabu to put your point across to her the way you did - a simple no to her offer was enough

Goldmandra · 24/10/2013 23:15

In thirteen years of registered chidminding I have never offered to have a friend's child for payment.

If I have a contract which covers a long term need after being approached to childmind by a friend, and there have been dozens of them, I bill them for those hours.

If I know that a friend needs helping out I offer to do it and I don't allow them to raise the issue of money.

Even as a childminder I need friends to step in and help me now and then and I will do the same for them.

I wouldn't dream of confusing the two in this way and I think this 'friend' is a user.

I wouldn't have posted a reply like that on Fb though. Private messages are much better or, even more civilised, a phone call to explain.

foreverondiet · 24/10/2013 23:17

I think ok to pay a friend - BUT NOT IF YOU HELPED HER FOR FREE.

What a cheek! But you should have replied in a private message not on facebook publically.

SuperiorCat · 24/10/2013 23:25

Wow so she took advantage of free childcare, saw you posting about your own need and didn't offer to return the favour for free?

You're right she is not that good a friend.

Original poster

beansmum · 24/10/2013 23:26

I've deleted my message - I'll mention it to her though, I'm pretty sure she would have seen it anyway. But you're all probably right that it should have been private.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 24/10/2013 23:28

Good move.

She's still a cheeky mare though.

AlexaChelsea · 25/10/2013 10:26

ballstoit

People register with Ofsted because caring for children in their home is their career.

People don't register with Ofsted when they are giving breakfast to their mates kid for a week and then walking him to school.

If you did this for your friend as a one off, and they paid you a few £, I really don't think any authorities are going to come down and arrest you for such illegal activities!

Regardless. The point stands that no friend would ask for payment for this agreement. It is insane.

harticus · 25/10/2013 11:53

Friends are friends.
You buy them a bunch of flowers or a bottle of plonk to thank them for doing you favours and they do the same for me.
Well that is how things work in my world.

fairylightsintheautumn · 25/10/2013 12:40

I'm pretty sure you can look after kids in your home (ie not theirs) for a couple of hours a day without it being illegal but even if it was, it would be ridiculous to not do it for that reason. Its a favour for a week, not a permanent thing, and given the circumstances OP YANBU but I would have PM'd her on fb, not publicly commented.

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