To stick with only one child (aged 41 with 3 frozen blastocysts)

[AnnieDelores]

I've been agonising over this for weeks now. I really am 50/50 over the whole issue which doesn't help.

We have a beautiful IVF son aged 2.3. I'm really enjoying him now but did not enjoy the baby months as, quite frankly, they are intense and boring when you don't get much back. Now I have a little friend whom I adore and we have great fun together as I work part time.

DH would like us to try for another using our frozen embryos, mainly to give DS a sibling, but also because he would like the "buzz" of a family of 4. I think he wants to recreate some episodes of "outnumbered"!

I, however, am now getting my (our) life back and am looking forward to holidays again..... Skiing, safaris, a trip to Australia to see close friends, weekends away visiting friends and family etc. All of that would be tricky and expensive if we have another child.

My fears are that as my husband has a corporate job with an active social life attached to it, that I will be bored and lonely with another baby. I'm scared I will be shattered and stressed trying to please two children 3 years apart and won't be able to go out as much and enjoy being a "couple". Our parents live too far away to babysit so that's costly too.

Saying that, I fear I will regret not having another and I simply don't have any more time to procrastinate. I also worry DH will resent me for not giving him another child even though he says he won't. We could save up some cash and get a nanny to help with the tough months and solve that problem. But is having two children really worth it? Is it much more expensive ? I need to decide this year really and I need some help :-(

You sound exactly like me. I had the same dilemma but my husband was happy to take my lead. We stuck with one, and could not be happier. She is upstairs asleep with a friend from school who she is inseparable from, so we often have 2 or more kids running around the place.

She also has cousins and neighbours kids who are in and out a lot.

Your DH would be very mean spirited to resent you for sticking with one.

I have one child and have no intention of another. I didn't enjoy the baby stage at all, and as a single parent I know that I'll be able to travel with him a lot easier than I would if I had more than one. It's selfish to an extent, but on the other hand I can give him much more of me and my resources than I could if I had more. I was an only child and it's certainly never bothered me, I've never felt that desperate need to have a sibling. Do what feels right for you.

To give the other side from the first 2 posters - I have 2 DCs. Sometimes I look at people with onlies and am slightly envious of how easy some things are with only 1. But I love to see my 2 DCs playing together, and amusing each other, and know that they have each other for life. Best of all they have just started playing together for an hour in the morning at the weekend while we have a lie in....DS2 is the same age as your DS though and I am also looking forward to getting my life back!

The IVF has pros and cons: can you and your DH handle the rollercoaster of IVF (I have seen what my Dsis went through) and would that rollercoaster impact negatively on you enjoying your DS? On the other hand you maybe don't have to hurry into a decision, as another 41 yo might have to, seeing as you have 3 blastocysts frozen?

AD this is a big one to put out there and no one can tell you what to or not do but hey I'm sure you know this only too well. YAMDNBU! I am weary writing this but any of us ought to be on the 99% camp of decidedly wanting a/another child before having a baby. Do your future self a favour and place YOU firmly in the centre of any decision you make.

MonkeysTypewriter thanks for your help. We have decided that another round of IVF is out if the question and would simply use the frozen blastos. The chance if success is only around 12 to 15 % so it's highly like to fail anyway. In weaker moments, I often think that I should go for it and let fate decide. But that's a cowardly option and not one I could forgive myself for.

Dc2 is 16 months and I have a 2.5 year age gap so dc1 is nearly 4. I feel I am just emerging from the hardest year of my life . DH and I have been so stretched, we are like ships passing in the night. It didn't help that dc2 didn't sleep for more than 2 hours in a row for the first 13 months!
However, the kids are now starting to interact positively and play together. When we are at a toddler group, or singing group, to see them dancing together or looking after each other is really lovely. So I guess I am saying, there is definitely payback for having two, but it is in the long term, and you have to get through a hellish year or two first!
I will admit to having spent the last year thinking people who stick at one are very sensible but that is starting to diminish as time goes on and I am enjoying my two a bit more. Also I am back at work now and enjoying my job so I get a bit more me time.

That's exactly how I envisage it being Thing1and2. That the reason for being 50/50. Perhaps a nanny in year one would help and fu*k the cost.....no nice new things for a year or two! But yes, I should be more than 50% sure before I do anything. Just hoping I can get to a decision before Christmas.

I have a 5 yo DC and felt like you until very recently. We have now decided we might have another. It is such a hard decision as my life is easy. We can go anywhere at the drop of a hat and we can fly anywhere as cost is less of an issue, but most of my friends have more than one and I feel like something is missing.
My DC was a non sleeping baby and I had horrid PND and my DH is not around much to help eve though we both work full time so it is really a huge change for me mostly. I am terrified but really think it is the right thing for us now.

I am in a very, very similar situation but with older dc1.

Try and think through how you will feel in 20 or 40 years time looking back on your decisions now. Would you look back and think damn I should have put up with a few tough years and had another or not?

I tried and failed (so far). It's very hard even with blasts frozen.

Fwiw I have the impression from my doctor that the age you were when the blasts were created is far more important than how old you are in determining success, provided you have a medicated cycle.

Think carefully too about whether your dh really, really means that about not resenting it if you don't try. It is not nice if they do...

Some things are definitely easier 2nd time round. You know how quickly things pass and that most things just work themselves out in the end so you definitely don't stress as much. But then your life just goes into fast forward even more than after 1 dc and the months stream by and you wonder where all your life has gone . A nanny would probably help, but I survived just with a cleaner and doing all shopping on the Internet.
But I can already feel we are getting some life back. We took the kids camping for a night and dc2 sleeps from 7pm throughout the evening now so it's easy to go out in the evening leaving kids with a baby sitter. All in I am glad I went for the 2nd one, but I know lots of people who are really happy with one and that's a good choice too.

What's wrong with letting fate decide, though? I mean, given how ambivalent you feel. That's how we approached baby number 2 - after multiple losses, we had had the stuffing knocked out of us and genuinely didn't know how we felt so we stopped trying percse and I'm 2 weeks away from giving birth now. And I'm still a mixture of joy and totally bricking it!!

Percse?? Per se, I mean.

PrettyFly that made me laugh. I'd be bricking it too! Good luck though x

I only have one DS, 3yo. Everyone says you "need" to give them a sibling, that they will have noone to play with etc. My boy is sociable, plays with me, plays with other kids well, and loves holidays. This last part sounds trivial but DH and I were real travellers before we had our boy, travel and holidays and foreign places and tramping are who we are. DS has been to the UK (from NZ) twice and Oz once. He recalls with pleasure the Fire Service Museum in Singapore and plays "flying to Germany to see my cousins". He has all of our time and attention and we have the time to give to him as well as the ability to show him lots. 3 seats on a long haul are a lot less than 4! If I was 20 years younger (43 now) I would maybe have another but life is short, pregnancy in ones 40's not without risk. Unless YOU want another baby I wouldn't fret about providing a sibling. I have spoken to the teenagers with whom I work all day and the onlies say that they are quite happy that way. Some even say it is great, for all the reasons above.

I think you have already decided the answer to this one. You don't need to have another child if you are perfectly happy with one. Oh, and don't worry about your child being an 'lonely only' as I've charmingly heard it put - I speak as an only child who had a brilliant childhood. I have two DCs, which I wouldn't change for the world, but the first year of DC2's was the most extreme of my life! You take a step back to the beginning and your old life seems even further away. Good luck with making your decision.

I agree with thehovelinspector try the 'how will I feel when I'm 70' test- for us getting pg wasn't so hard but pg was awful. Despite this we decided to give it another go and he's fast asleep upstairs. He's 4 now and in many ways he is the glue between our older girls, who are more prone to bickering.

I can see where you are coming from as life with just him is easy while the older two are at school, but also I see them playing together and running around in the park, and they occupy each other which saves me having to do so much!!! Only you know how much you can manage and those early days are tough so if you can get some help in it would be worth it. I think whatever you decide you need to go with it 100% as otherwise you might always think what if.

I wasn't sure if I wanted a second child. Felt pressured by everyone and their dog to have another. It's not fair to dc1 otherwise. Decided to try and then changed my mind. Found out a week later I was pregnant. Dh thought he was a stallion, I was gutted. Dc2 is now a few months old and whilst I don't regret him (he is gorgeous), I very much regret the life I have lost.

You mention being worried your dh will resent you, but you don't want to end up resenting him.

We had conception issues too, and as a result the gap between ds1 and ds2 is much bigger than I would have wanted - over 3 years.

The baby years were loong. very loooooong. I hated them.

But, and this is a big but, now ds2 is 3 and ds1 is 6 I look at them together and thank my lucky stars that we were able to have ds2.

There is nothing better for me, in the whole universe, than seeing my two boys playing together. They absolutely adore one another. That makes it all worth while for me.

bloody glad it's done and over, though

Athrawes, you have some good points. Both DH and I are travellers too. I worked as a journalist for 15 years and lived in France and Australia as well as spending time in the USA. DH loves skiing. We both love hiking, camping, visiting funny little towns in funny little places and packing bags for a spontaneous weekend away. We recently took DS to Ireland to meet his cousins and spend some time on the coast. It was easy and DS sleeps well wherever we take him. I can't wait to take him to see dolphins here in the UK and elephants in Africa. I know we could do all of this eventually with another child..... I'm just yearning to do it in the next few years when he is 4 or 5 and old enough to appreciate it.

I couldnt read and not reply. I am a twin and have been fortunate to have twins myself so the question of only 1 has never been an issue! Its very difficult to know what is right, only you know how you'd feel and what will work for your family. I agree with a previous poster in that you need to think about the future and not just now. I know my MiL is an only child and says she was lonely but also as her parents got older, she felt they were quite a burden (as awful as that sounds). They both lived into their 90s and all the responsibility for them fell on her (whilst she was juggling her own family). Slightly different perspective. I'm not advocating having another child for that reason, its just another factor!

I'm sorry Curiosity. Funny how life plays tricks on you! I'm sure you will be bouncier in a few months time once you've emerged from the dark months! I appreciate your honesty very much.

A big factor for me would be how I felt about donating or destroying the frosties. I think I'd struggle with either. (We're about to do our first stimulated IVF round where there is a chance of this, after 3 natural rounds where it was never a possibility, so it is something I have been thinking about.)

My bestie had similar considerations and was lucky that her last frostie worked and she completed her family without any embryos "spare".

BTW, I am an only and whilst my childhood wasn't awful by any means and I got a lot of benefits from not having to share my parents' attention, it isn't what I ideally want for my own family. I would definitely like two, if I am able to have them (running out of time now though). Being an only can be lonely, and you face quite a lot of prejudices (it's still ok to say "only children are ....." in a way it wouldn't be if you substituted an ethnicity into that sentence and tried to stereotype them)!

OP - I don't think you'll be bored and lonely if you have another DC in the same way you were when DC1 was a baby; it'll be completely different.

For starters, you'll have the company of DC1 who you have great fun with, plus, by the sounds of it, a nanny about the place. You won't be as tired and stressed if you've got a nanny - you'll be able to have naps.
I'll get slated for this, but tbh it sounds a little bit like a walk in the park compared to what having a toddler and a newborn is like for most people.
It's such a personal thing but then basically boils down to what do you want more - to carry on with expensive holidays, or to have another child. I agree with poster who said you should be more than 50% though.
You'd have to have 3 DCs to act out an episode of outnumbered, though, otherwise it would just be equal-numbered, surely. Anway, hope you're happy with whatever decision you decide.

Like eurochick I'd also be wondering about what to do with them if I didn't use them. I have two DC two years apart from the one fresh cycle. DC2 is only four months but they are already starting to interact and although it is tough with two it is nothing like as tough as having the first one IMO.
I also have 3 frosties, all blasts. I'm in my early 30s so have more time to decide but I know deep down that I will need to give them all a chance. Both of my DC could so easily still be in that freezer if they hadn't been the ones selected and when I think of it that way it makes me certain I need to use them.
Best of luck with your own decision x

Misfitless, I know a nanny is a luxury that most can't afford and I know I'm lucky to be able to afford one, but only just. There would be no holidays or new clothes or treats for a couple of years to justify the cost which would come out if savings. I'm simply thinking of ways to survive the tough times to make it through to the rewarding times. The IVF was free fortunately but the blastocyst cycle will cost us!