To stick with only one child (aged 41 with 3 frozen blastocysts)

[AnnieDelores]

I've been agonising over this for weeks now. I really am 50/50 over the whole issue which doesn't help.

We have a beautiful IVF son aged 2.3. I'm really enjoying him now but did not enjoy the baby months as, quite frankly, they are intense and boring when you don't get much back. Now I have a little friend whom I adore and we have great fun together as I work part time.

DH would like us to try for another using our frozen embryos, mainly to give DS a sibling, but also because he would like the "buzz" of a family of 4. I think he wants to recreate some episodes of "outnumbered"!

I, however, am now getting my (our) life back and am looking forward to holidays again..... Skiing, safaris, a trip to Australia to see close friends, weekends away visiting friends and family etc. All of that would be tricky and expensive if we have another child.

My fears are that as my husband has a corporate job with an active social life attached to it, that I will be bored and lonely with another baby. I'm scared I will be shattered and stressed trying to please two children 3 years apart and won't be able to go out as much and enjoy being a "couple". Our parents live too far away to babysit so that's costly too.

Saying that, I fear I will regret not having another and I simply don't have any more time to procrastinate. I also worry DH will resent me for not giving him another child even though he says he won't. We could save up some cash and get a nanny to help with the tough months and solve that problem. But is having two children really worth it? Is it much more expensive ? I need to decide this year really and I need some help :-(

Talking of having 3 dcs, would you have a two embryo transfer? This is often recommended for over 40s although you can say no.

The argument about an only child having to look after elderly parents doesn't wash much with me as for e.g. one sibling might go and live in another country and not help anyway.

From a selfish point of view, one thing that makes me feel sad is the reduction in my chances of having grandchildren as I love the idea but with only 1 dc it might never happen. Similar to the above though, it could still never happy with 2dc but chances are obviously higher.

Another question for you (can you tell I've agonised over this for a long time) is if you didn't need to have IVF would you feel differently about having another?
That will not give you the answer but it's useful to think things through.

My answer to that is probably yes. I have had 1 more fresh cycle (flipping hard work) and 3 frozen cycles (medicated mostly and with big eff off injections into the muscle, not piddly sub-cutaneous fresh cycle ones), and one cancelled cycle, since dc was a first time lucky IVF baby. Two early miscarriages in this lot too. If it were easy, I'd have had another.

That said, dc is incredibly not at all lonely. I honestly don't think has any stereotypical only characteristics now (wasn't great with other kids before started school). Dc is extremely happy with life as it is and loves the calmness of our house, our little family of three etc.

DH strongly wishes we'd tried harder to have another but I feel like I tried pretty hard. That is the most problematic piece of it.

Oh one last thing, sometimes I wonder if I kid myself I don't really want another that much due to a fear of being hurt if IVF fails. Worth considering if that could apply.

I wasn't having a go - you don't have to justify it .

I am just deciding i don't want another. I had thought it was because i hated being pregnant, had a small health scare shortly a few weeks after birth, and have a very feisty little girl who was a pretty rough sleeper, but actually, when i hear my colleagues talking about all the ferrying around between activities for their multiple dc, and the chaotic lives they lead, coupled with stress about having to pay another £25 for another pair of shoes, it honestly makes me think the baby part is the least of the issues. We are going to NZ next year to see relatives - couldn't afford that with two. Also I'm a not-so-lonely only, have always been perfectly happy.

just saying don't feel guilty if you decide you want to stick, just look at the positives and make the most of whatever is great about your particular size of family.

I had your dilemma too. Older mum. Partner and I wanted another. For me the driving force was a younger sibling as a playmate and lifelong friend for DD1

Her sister has ASD and it hasn't worked out as expected. :-/

Hi Hovelinspector. I would only have one blasto transfer at a time to avoid risk of multiple pregnancy and the Docs seem to think I will be fine with a natural cycle (can't remember why but think its because my periods are regular and I'm all up together). I'm very fit and healthy with normal fertility. It is poor DH with the crappy sperm, love him. He doesn't care though because he has a perfect son! Wouldn't go through IVF again due to my age and stress etc. Natural blasto cycle would be easy, but I don't share the same need to give them all a chance. They are just cells at this stage, although I appreciate others feel differently and respect that.

But will admit that having a young toddler and a newborn nearly finished me off.

I used to cry when DP left for work.
It was exhausting, soul destroying, lonely, boring and nearly broke my spirit.
I realise that's not the same experience for everyone.

We were in a similar situation last year and decided not to have another for very similar reasons. DD1 is now here, 12 weeks old and naturally conceived after we were told that that would never happen.

She's very much wanted and appreciated now but we both had a difficult time coming to terms with things during the pregnancy. Think about contraception whilst you're deciding, no matter how unlikely your chances of conceiving, just in case fate decides to intervene sooner than you'd like!

I wanted to make the point that the things that are really tough about having our DC1s as babies (loneliness, isolation, being exhausted, being bored etc) perhaps won't be so much of a problem if you decide to have a DC2. It won't be as boring with a toddler in tow, and if you have a nanny, you'll have some adult company, too, not to mention a babysitter - so you and your DH will be able to have the odd night out/lunch out/do things together without DCs.

There are some achingly honest and thought-provoking posts on here. Lots for me to think about over the next month or two. You have helped me focus in on one or two key issues rather than 5 or 6 issues. That's progress at least. Thank you. Lots.

Having one dc was more than we dared dream of, given we had 6 failed IVF cycles under our belts, so having more than one wasn't even on our radar.

We always talked endlessly about the downsides of only having one (dh and I both have lots of siblings between us), as things turned out our 7th cycle very fortunately resulted in twins. If it had it been a singleton pregnancy, we would have used any blasts we had in an attempt to get a sibling.

Seeing them play together is a joy and they have a bond so strong that it will no doubt support them both through the ups and downs of life.

There are so many positives either way, it's really hard to say. I do understand. We wanted 2, really, really wanted 2 but in the end weren't able to. It was so difficult at the time but now we are very happy with one Dd. Our lives are brilliant. We feel as if we have lots of time for her. We are financially secure, I am able to work part time. I think for me the best part is that parenting her is hugely enjoyable and managable and I never feel too stretched. She is a really happy, sociable girl and has friends over alot. I honestly never think about having wanted a 2nd child now.

The only time I ever felt bad about it was when I was very ill last year and she was really upset and I felt she had to go through it on her own whereas with a sibling she'd have had someone to share the experience with.

Good luck with whatever you both decide.

Can you imagine getting a call to say that the blasts were for some reason no longer viable (realize this wouldn't happen but go with me)?

What would your immediate reaction be? Relief? Regret?

I think that might tell you a lot. Bit like tossing a coin: you often find that your reaction to the outcome tells you where your true desires lie.

Also - what would you do with the blasts if you didn't use them? Does that affect your choice (would you be happy destroying them or using them for research)?

FWIW I think you're more likely to regret not trying than trying, but I say that as someone about to start trying for #3, so my opinion may well be of no use.

I think you should think about how much your present child would gain from having a sibling (please don't shoot me, but I want to say 'especially as an older parent') The tricky phase of having 2 young ones really doesn't last long IME, I found going from none to 1 really quite tricky, but from 1 to 2 was much easier, and by the time they got to an age where they were playing together, although logistics at times can be tricky, it really takes the pressure of in terms of providing 'entertainment' yourself all the time.
I love to see how close mine are (despite the arguing) and really hope they always will be, because all being equal they should have each other a lot longer then they have me and dp.

I think you should stick with one. You can pretty much carry on as normal with one dc. I often envy my friends with one child and their fabulous holidays and regular time away with their dh. You are right a baby and a toddler is the most difficult combination even with lots of help. One of my daughters wishes she was an only child as she can't stand her 3 brothers! Hopefully she'll like them a bit more when they are all older.

Reading your posts, Annie, I think it is quite clear whatever you decide and whatever then happens you are likely to have a happy family .

I agree with everybody who said try and take the long view: don't think too much about baby/toddler years and all that entails, but where and how you see your family being in 5/10/30 years' time.

I also think there are advantages and disadvantages to being an only child or one of two/more, so there is no real need to base your decision on how it would affect your existing DS. He will be happy and thriving with happy parents who care for him and love him. He will also be happy as an older brother and either way he'll not know it any other way.

There are so many threads from people agonising about what the perfect number of children might be for them and I really don't thank that there is every a Right or Wrong answer.

Fwiw, I am an older mother and am v lucky to have the size of family I wanted. I do not enjoy looking after babies/toddlers but love the company and chat with my older children. And seeing siblings interact will melt your heart unless they are taking lumps out of each other...

V best of luck, whatever you decide.

Saying that, I fear I will regret not having another

This to me says go for it.

You will never regret having another child but you will regret not having a try.

Well it's your choice OP but I agree with MissSmiley, if you stick with just the one you will have it easier. I'm an only child and I loved it!! . Wish you all the best

My DD2 was way easier than DD1, she ate & slept better, although now she is much more feisty than her sister! DD2 just slotted straight into the family, we carried on much as we had done, there is much more upheaval with the arrival of the first, than with subsequent children.